El Guapo in DC

I am El Guapo. The most Guapo man in all of DC. Mucho Amor

Thursday, December 22, 2005

H&M are puta madres

“Excuse me, can I help you find something?”

Normalmente, for all of you out there, this wouldn’t be something out of the ordinary during the Holiday season. For me, in this instante, it wasn’t out of the ordinary. See, I was asked this by a security guard. Happens all the time and more during the holidays.

My boy Miguel and I decide to go to the H&M store over by Metro Center to see if I could find something for my girl Mercedes that was a little out of the ordinary. You know, hip, like the white girls on TV wear. Don’t get me wrong, my girl has a cuerpo, Dios mio, que cuerpo, what a body…., but still, girls like to tweak style and my girl deserves nice things too, so like any good Latino would, we were attracted by the big colorful signs.

Maybe if Mercedes stopped eating for 3 weeks, she could fit into some of the things in there. What is up with these white girls and their mascara? Chicas, less is more or whatever you say. Is it cool to look like you’re addicted to crack? If so, I didn’t know the people in my neighborhood were so trendy.

Miguel was being stupid wanting me to try on the sports coats made of corduroy and was being a puto. My dad has those in his closet with the suede patches on the elbows. He’s always bragging about how he is so cool for having what is in style. I'm not wearing that or wearing colorful shirts with the collar flipped up. It’s hard for Latinos to have a rep for style sometimes. Even if the majority of us dress well there always has to be some Mejicano that wears a hat with an eagle or something on it. Ruins it for our whole race. Just remember, Guatemalans are at the top of the chain.

So, Miguel is being a puto and the guard comes over.

“Excuse me, can I help you find something?”

Even if I did need help homie, why the hell would I ask a security guard? Of course, the Latino with the baggy clothes has to be hassled and made to feel like a Nicaraguan while he’s shopping. I work hard for my money. Leave me be. Go to your corner and make love to all the little girls with your eyes.

“No man. We’re good. Just Looking.”

“You’ve been looking for a while.”

Miguel got upset because he’s a Jesse Jackson in training for Latinos and made a big scene. His English isn’t the greatest, so it was kind of funny to watch especially since he gets all Guadalajara when he’s worked up. He also elongates his vowels when he’s angry.

“Ese, why don’t you aaaaaaask all them white people why theeeeeeey are looooooking for so long? I have money (he shows his two twenties wrapped around 40 one-dollar bills…) let me speeeend it!”

“Sir, please don’t make a scene.”

“Oooooooooh. Now, when the Hispanic starts being loud I’m sir? Listen, I don’t want to buy all this MIERDA anyway! I’m going to Hechts.” Hechts. Muy bien Miguel. Way to show everyone..... I wish Jesse Jackson was my friend.

So we leave and don’t go to Hechts. We walked over to “China”-town to look at all the Chinese people that don’t exist anymore.

Quiza Pentagon City tomorrow.

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo


At 10:33 PM, Blogger Namaste said...

I love your spanglish! It's muy caliente. Entiendes?

At 11:00 AM, Blogger Dudley said...

At the risk of having my newly appointed honorary Latino card revoked, can someone please school me on the Hispanic hierarchy in DC . . . excuse me for being a big gay Yankee white boy, but it's all mexican to me . . .


At 11:13 PM, Blogger El Guapo in DC said...

Your Latino card cannot be revoked. Nunca. You gave me an idea. I will write about that next. Give me time because mi madre is stuffing me with food.

Es complicado porque you can have Central American and South American divisions or an entire Latin American division. I'll do it from a DC perspectivo. Just remember that Guatemala is #1!!!

Mucho amor,

El Guapo

At 12:42 AM, Blogger Namaste said...

this mierda is funny as hell! muchas gracias for the laughs.

At 2:18 PM, Anonymous Aja said...

Don't believe el hype!!! Hondurans are the best!!! Ceibanos especifically.

Guapo, this is funny. I am glad Miguel recognized Hechts and not Fielines, but for the reala, Sears is where all our people go!!!

Catracha in DC

quiero tamales!!!

At 6:01 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The type of service you recieve depends on you and your behavior. Maybe you were displaying ignorance and reflected no class and looked like a "fresh of the boat" hispanic person. (And I'm Salvadorean so it's not a racial statement)

At 11:42 AM, Blogger Burlas said...

i don't understand any latino language.

but honestly i enjoyed reading you all conversation..
especially to the article..


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