El Guapo in DC

I am El Guapo. The most Guapo man in all of DC. Mucho Amor

Monday, April 27, 2009

Sigh...

Ola my friends, mi amigos of long ago. How are you? Bien? Good.

Have you made love to a Latino man since we last spoke? Do you long for his touch, his stone washed jeans and magical loins? Bueno.

I do not write to you today with something good to say. In fact, of late, there have been tears slowly dropping and clinging to my mustache. My beautiful mustache that is so lustrous in the spring is now damp with Latino sadness. And trust me, Guatemalan tears are often cultivated by gypsies to keep raccoons away, so this is no good.

What makes this Mayan descendant fall to his knees and sob?

The women of Washington, DC. They have once again conspired to make mi vida hit the brick wall of life.

Spring is my favorite time in DC. The skirts get more colorful, shorter and tighter. The Hill interns skip and hop as they learn the business of giving and taking away hope. The Ivy-league graduates come to my city with their new business suites and glasses ready to change the world. But this year is different.

This year something has happened to my city. Is it because I have grown accustomed to the bleach blonde, madras wearing women that have flocked here over the last 8 years? Is it some kind of early swine flu that made things different? That made the women different? That made the women crazy?

El Guapo! What are you talking about???

Calma. Please. Calma. I will tell you what me cringe while I walk down the street of my fair city. I will tell you what makes me overlook the Pakistan-like terrain of the National Mall. I will tell you.

Ballerina flats.

Si, ballerina shoes. The women of DC have for some reason turned to wearing ballerina shoes. Have they done this to spite me? I think so. Is this their way of telling me that I’ve mistreated women in the past? Lo siento. En serio, I’m sorry. Please, por favor, put the heels back on. I cannot take this anymore.

Do you know what ballerina shoes do? NOTHING. They do nothing. Nada. In fact, they ruin everything. They are the footwear equivalent of sweatpants.

Every February I start to think about April. In March I start to pace around mi casa thinking about April. The skirts, the high heels, the beautifully shaped calves that have been screaming “El Guapo, I missed you so much!” Not now. Those days are gone.

Do I blame that Latino president that is in the White House (Yes, he’s part Guatemalan. No black man is that smooth)? I don’t know. I don’t want to point fingers. No fingers pointing at Obama. But there were no ugly ballerina shoes when Bush was in town. All heels. All the time.

Then Obama comes in with hope, walking on water magic Guatemalan smile and the women of DC forget about shoe etiquette. They might as well donate all their heels to charity. Their calves will never recover.

No. I’m sorry. That is wrong. While their calves will never recover, I ask that they put them in the closet to give to their daughters one day. One day, my children will ask me, “Papi, is it true what Mr. Jones said about heels? That one day women decided to ruin the world by wearing ballerina flats?” And I will say, Si. It was an ugly time.

So, basically what I’m trying to say is that our economy’s condition is based solely on the fact that women are no longer wearing heels. Want economic proof?

I’m Guatemalan. That’s my proof.

Please bring the heels back. You look horrible. Seriously.

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo

75 Comments:

At 10:45 PM, Blogger Velvet said...

It is soooooo wonderful to see you back!

And I couldn't agree more. I am over this whole skintight jeans with ballerina flats "I'm a lesbian" look. Ugh. It grosses me out. I wear the heels still, every day, all day long. Except when I run. Then I wear asics!

Smooch! Missed you!

 
At 3:25 AM, Blogger Washington Cube said...

Honey you know I'm in stilettos...it's not even an issue. I've worn heels since I was twelve, for God's sake. Where have you been? I left a comment over on DC Blogs to blow the end out of it, I was so happy to see you back. I've been sending your link out to everyone to let them know.

And you know some pretty fancy lesbians, Velvet. The ones I know dress just as you would expect, looking like they just climbed down off a telephone pole with a work belt on.

El Guapo is BACK. Man. The whole city needs to get rip roaring drunk and shoot things.

 
At 7:34 AM, Blogger Kim Ayres said...

I'm afraid I haven't made love to a Latino man since we last spoke. My wife wouldn't let me.

Good to see you again amigo :)

 
At 9:31 AM, Blogger Phil said...

It is truly a sad state our country is in when the women folk no longer dress for our arousal.

 
At 10:20 AM, Blogger A Margarita said...

Ah, welcome back! We missed you! And I agree, as a woman, ballet flats aren't even that comfy - they don't provide support.

 
At 10:59 AM, Blogger Mad Cabbie said...

El Guapo, I am with you bro! Chics wearing those ugly ass shoes don't enforce any kind of sudden movements in my pants, and on top of that it could make them look heavier.

It's good that you are back, finally they let you back in to the country!

Cheers.

 
At 5:14 PM, Blogger Blackbeard said...

Better than fucking flip flops and uggs.

 
At 6:47 PM, Blogger 2B said...

blackbeard I'd like to add Uggs to that lineup!

I will be wearing the highest of heels this spring and summer. I can't speak for the rest of those broads...

handsupgunsdown.tumblr.com

 
At 12:24 PM, Blogger resident of limbo said...

I couldn't agree more - even with the comments adding Uggs and flip flops to the list!

 
At 5:49 PM, Blogger Redhead said...

Glad you are back.
I totally agree. I wear heels all the time (mostly because I'm 5'2"). Katherine Hepburn said it best, "Flats are unflattering" or something like that.

 
At 11:59 AM, Blogger Sini said...

You are back!!!
:) :)

 
At 1:17 PM, Blogger Fozylet said...

welcome back!!! :)
now lemme go read the post...

 
At 1:15 PM, Blogger Sara said...

Hey... I love me some heels as much as the next chica out there because they make your ass look fabulous but give us a break. It's hard to run around on a pedestal 24/7. Jeez...

 
At 11:44 AM, Blogger Studs McManly said...

Good to see you back, Partner...

 
At 3:49 PM, Blogger Melissa*Laughing said...

I am throwing my flats away today!

(Thank you for writing again!!)

 
At 4:10 PM, Blogger Fruit said...

É muito bom ler seu blog de novo, moço.

Um beijo.

 
At 1:49 PM, Blogger deenaanddavid said...

Do not miss the Reggae Sound Clash at the Palace of Wonders in Washington, DC this Wednesday, June 24th.

Jonny2Bad and his selection of roots with brethren DJ More Fyah all present to entertain you.

FREE Admission and drink specials for everyone present.

For more details, check out the site : www.jonny2bad.com

 
At 2:55 PM, Blogger EvaMaRie said...

I'm so glad you are back!

 
At 5:39 AM, Blogger l said...

It was fate... while reading Restaurant Gal, I glanced over to the side menu, what to read next ... I definitely intended to visit Beentheredonethat blog .. but my cursor began to slide mysteriously by itself, landing on El Guapo in DC. Huh? so I clicked and his heart is beating! ..oooh and I love it - the ballad of "The Ugly Time!" welcome back ElGuapo

L.

 
At 4:59 PM, Blogger Studs McManly said...

El Guapo, you tease!

 
At 2:49 AM, Blogger Veronica said...

Miss you.
XOXOXO

 
At 7:11 PM, Blogger TheAmpuT said...

So happy to see you back.
I missed you even more that I miss my high heels (and I used to be a shoe ho...had to give 'em up, too much teetering on one leg...but you will NEVER see me ballerina flats).

 
At 10:21 PM, Blogger Andraste said...

Hey, you little bastard. back without me knowing it?

For the record, I also don't like ballerina flats - but I also do not wear the heals. I'm a boot girl - I presume you don't have a problem with boots? Boots are sexy, and you KNOW it.

But hell, man, you need to make your presence known when you post. Take a look around, see who's linking to you, to whom you link. See who's doing what.

Oh, fuck it. Blogging is a pasttime and you may have done the drift like many others, I can't judge.

Final note - my word verification is "sista" no shit.

 
At 11:41 PM, OpenID lizever219 said...

Wait, are you back? I can only dream....

 
At 1:22 PM, Blogger LegalMist said...

Wow, I'm late to the party. Just stopped by on a whim to see if you are back, and I see you posted once, in April...

Ahhh, hope springs eternal.

When will you come back for good?

 
At 9:04 AM, Blogger Candi said...

I don't "get" the whole ballerina flat trend. I feel nekkid without heels on.

Come back.

I need some inspiration.

All your talk about mustaches makes my heart skip a beat...

 
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At 3:29 PM, Blogger Moxie said...

Oh El Guapo, it is so good to see you here!

I agree that flats do nothing for anyone except the wearer, who is obviously too much of a pussy to wear heels. No pun intended.

 
At 12:48 AM, Blogger dd said...

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At 9:50 AM, Blogger 如此的 said...

廢話不多,祝你順心~^^........................................

 
At 12:47 AM, Blogger 馬甲 said...

您的部落格文章真棒!!有空我一定會常來逛!!........................................

 
At 5:34 AM, Blogger lady said...

大肚能容,了卻人間多少事,滿腔歡喜,笑開天下古今愁。 ..................................................

 
At 8:51 AM, Blogger 治男治男 said...

TAHNKS FOR YOUR SHARING~~~VERY NICE.................................................

 
At 10:40 PM, Blogger 于雅慧毓 said...

不勞而獲的事情,並沒有價值........................................

 
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At 7:22 AM, Blogger 鈺禎 said...

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At 9:17 PM, Blogger 仰士 said...

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At 12:37 AM, Blogger 淑君 said...

教育無他,愛與榜樣而已...............................................................

 
At 12:37 AM, Blogger 陳怡婷 said...

人不可以求其備,必捨其所短,取其所長...............................................................

 
At 4:01 AM, Blogger  said...

三分之一的人生,可以決定另外三分之二的人生!!共勉哦!.............................................

 
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At 6:33 PM, Blogger DennyR_Guari佳穎 said...

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At 5:23 AM, Blogger 昱宏彥良 said...

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At 6:22 PM, Blogger adkinsra said...

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At 3:43 AM, Blogger 雅馨 said...

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At 9:49 PM, Blogger 慧君 said...

More haste, less speed...................................................................

 
At 6:57 AM, Blogger 江婷 said...

死亡是悲哀的,但活得不快樂更悲哀。....................................................................

 
At 6:57 AM, Blogger 婷珊 said...

喜歡你的部落格,留言請您繼續加油.................................................................

 
At 3:43 AM, Blogger 江婷 said...

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At 3:43 AM, Blogger 嘉惠 said...

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At 7:44 AM, Blogger AlphonseH_Va哲維 said...

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At 12:07 AM, Blogger dawsonfelicia張君dawsonfelicia均 said...

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At 3:23 AM, Blogger 許紀廷 said...

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At 4:36 AM, Blogger 吳婷婷 said...

與其期盼別人疼你,不如自己疼自己。..................................................

 
At 4:37 AM, Blogger 佳皓佳皓 said...

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At 6:36 PM, Blogger 郁如郁如 said...

A stitch in time saves nine...................................................................

 
At 3:55 AM, Blogger 陳彥祥陳彥祥 said...

很用心的部落格 祝你人氣百分百 期待您的新文章..................................................................

 
At 8:18 PM, Blogger 楊儀卉 said...

好看耶~一定每天有空給你支持............................................................

 
At 6:27 AM, Blogger 吳庭 said...

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At 2:58 AM, Blogger 曹彥均曹彥均 said...

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At 2:36 AM, Blogger 楊燕沛楊燕沛 said...

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At 3:04 AM, Blogger 陳陳昀人良喬 said...

愛,拆開來是心和受兩個字。用心去接受對方的一切,用心去愛對方的所有。......................................................................

 
At 5:03 AM, Blogger 凱許倫 said...

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At 11:13 PM, Blogger 玄王季玄王季玄王季 said...

幸福不是一切,人還有責任。............................................................

 
At 10:35 AM, Blogger Mike said...

I am writing to ask for your permission to include your posts on
DCguide.com and include a link to your blog in our directory. We would
include a link back to your blog fully crediting you for your work
along with a profile about you listed on DCguide.com . Please let us
know as soon as possible.

Mike@dcguide.com

Mike Thomas
Editor-in-Chief
DCguide.com

 
At 2:07 AM, Blogger 皇紫勳紫勳豪 said...

Pen and ink is wits plough...................................................................

 
At 8:00 AM, Blogger 立和辛和胡辛和辛偉 said...

這麼用心的經營你的文章, 當然值得我們留連拜訪的!...............................................................

 
At 9:29 AM, Blogger 佳張張張張燕張張張張張 said...

用行動來支持你~~~不留言不行!............................................................

 
At 9:23 PM, Blogger 佳張張張張燕張張張張張 said...

死亡是悲哀的,但活得不快樂更悲哀。. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

 
At 7:32 AM, Blogger 文岳仲君 said...

到處盡心,即為快事;舉步踏實,便是坦途。................. ................................................

 
At 7:32 AM, Blogger fdsaf said...

唯有穿鞋的人,才知道鞋的哪一處擠腳......................................................................

 
At 10:22 AM, Blogger 王辛江淑萍康 said...

我來湊熱鬧的~~^^ 要平安快樂哦..................................................

 
At 12:58 AM, Blogger Burlas said...

well done,,

Neuse River News - Oriental NC

 

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