El Guapo in DC

I am El Guapo. The most Guapo man in all of DC. Mucho Amor

Sunday, July 22, 2007

A Mother's Worry

“El Guapo! Do you know any women who had artificial insemination?”

Que? Um……Si. I know one.

I was watching TV on the couch and mi madre was yelling from the kitchen. I wasn’t even really paying attention while answering her. This is when I get into trouble with her, when I answer things or say things when I’m not paying attention.

(Ten minute lag)

“El Guapo! Was this girl, the one that went to the sperm bank, could she not find a man?”

I don’t know mama. I don’t think it was a problem of finding men. It was finding one that she wanted around. I didn’t ask too many questions. It’s personal.

By this point, I was fully alert. Maybe it was something to do with the fact that mi madre had just uttered the word “sperm” for the first time in my life. Whatever reason, I was wondering what was going on in that little bunned up head of mi madre’s…

She walked out of the kitchen drying her hands with a dish rag and a somewhat stained orange apron.

“That artificial insemination. It’s dangerous.”

Why? I think they’ve been doing it for a while.

Right after I uttered those words I shuddered a little bit because I knew the continuation of this conversation would only result in mi madre having to say “sperm” again.

“How do they pick the sperm they want?”

I think they have a book of sperm donors. Like a catalog.

“Like a Sears catalog?”

Yeah, a Sears catalog full of sperm donors. It shows all their stats, pictures or whatever. I don’t know. I’ve never looked for a sperm donor.

“El Guapo, it’s dangerous. Mira. Sperm banks, they usually get the sperm from the area where they’re located. So, let’s say one gringo goes in there to sell some sperm. He’s tall, blonde, muscular, smart, well educated, comes from a nice family and has blue eyes. All the women see this man in the Sears catalog and want his sperm. So, in one month, there have been 10 women who used this man’s sperm. In one year, maybe 100. If all these women are from the same area, then maybe half of them will raise their kids here. If they got the sperm in the same year, then their children could maybe go to the same school and grow up together. Maybe they will be friends. Maybe they will date. Maybe they will marry. Then what? Then the world will be full of brothers marrying sisters! It’s very dangerous. Very dangerous!”

I sat there looking at mi madre with the worried look on her face.

“Be sure to tell that friend of yours to tell her child to be careful when dating. You don’t want them to accidentally marry a brother or a sister. This is very important! Tell me that you’ll tell her.”

I’ll tell her mama. I’ll tell her.

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo


At 11:00 AM, Blogger valiantqueen said...

huh! good point!

"bunned up head"--today's lol moment!

At 2:06 PM, Blogger Kim Ayres said...

Rent Code 46 on DVD to watch with your mother, then she'll be able to sit and tell you she told you so.

At 6:11 PM, Blogger Fozylet said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

At 6:33 PM, Blogger MaLady said...

Considering where you came from it is funny that you wince hearing your madre say "sperm". As if she never knew about how she got that infected water. I'm the mama that doesn't get embarrassed so easily anymore so maybe I'm.

She has a good point, anyhow...

At 6:33 PM, Blogger MaLady said...

...so maybe I'm in a different category.

At 8:10 PM, Blogger C'est la vie!! said...

she does make a very valid point...

hmmm now i see where ur thinking logic/process comes from

was she watching a news story on "Primer Impacto"?

At 9:33 PM, Anonymous la cubana gringa said...

Claro! Hay que tener cuidado con las espermas donadas!

At 10:37 PM, Blogger question girl said...

mama rocks again

At 1:36 AM, Blogger Moxie said...

This sounds like similar conversations I have had with my mother. Lately she has been watching "Gene Simmons' Family Jewels" and carrying on about how beautiful Shannon Tweed is and how Gene is a shit for not marrying her. It is very odd to hear your mama talking about aging rockstars and their porn actress lovers. Very odd indeed.

At 8:36 AM, Blogger ADW said...

Your mama is very smart...

At 8:43 AM, Blogger Fabulously Broke in the City said...

I never thought about it in that way. :\

To Moxie: My parents do the same thing to me as well - specifically, they bring up faintly embarassing facts about celebrities' lives and expect me to know what they're talking about and offer an opinion...

Mom: FB, WHY would she want to show and have her coochie photographed in public?!?!

Me:....There are no words.

At 9:14 AM, Anonymous angela said...

hahaha, that thought has actually crossed my mind prior to this post, and while wildly unrealistic it's still kind of funny to think about.

At 12:30 PM, Blogger la guera loca said...

Artificial insemination can also be done between two committed, married people. Sometimes the fishies don't swim so great, so they give 'em a good wash and get rid of the bad ones. It's a pretty common infertility treatment.

Now, trying to convince a latino to go along with artificial insemination is apparently the equivalent of lopping off his balls.

At 2:33 PM, Blogger Melanie said...

oh dear. I hadn't thought of that.

one more thing to worry about. :lol:

At 5:21 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

El Guapo, I do not wish to offend, but I have to ask out of curiosity: Have you been to Utah lately?


At 10:22 PM, Anonymous Debby said...

Christ, as if I didn't have enough things to worry about already, your mother comes up with something new and valid!

I just finished watching one of my favorite HBO series, Big Love, and without the artificial insemination being brought in, I'm thinking those polygamists ought to have a few worries of their own.


At 8:19 AM, Anonymous Restaurant Gal said...

I love your mom. She is welcome in my house to talk about anything, anytime.

--The Gal

At 8:59 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I thought about that very thing a long time ago!

To Debbie: Yeah I thought about the polygamists too... they kinda already look "tardish" (not wanting to offend anyone.)

Coming to you from Texas


Post a Comment

<< Home