El Guapo in DC

I am El Guapo. The most Guapo man in all of DC. Mucho Amor

Monday, December 26, 2005

DC Hispanic Hierarchy: Dios Mio

Flavor. Any way you say it, Hispanics have it. We can’t help it, it’s just there. It’s that extra skip when we walk, that extra swing when we dance, that extra something when we talk. It’s the way is. Vanilla is so 1997 muchachos. Coffee es la cosa. The thing is, some of us have more than others. Lets talk about that for a segundo. Vamos hablar about the hierarchy of the beautiful Hispanic population of DC as requested by mi nuevo amigo Dudley.

It would be too complicado for me to rank every single type of Hispanic. There are too many of us in this area, so I’m going to focus on the people who are most available to rank and those people are the Central Americans.

Not all of Central America. No one gives two pieces of mierda about Belize or Panama. Come on, Belize used to be called British Honduras. Fuck them. If it weren’t for the fact that most of them speak Spanish, I’d take away their Latino card. That’s right. El Guapo can give and take anyone’s Latino-ness anytime he wants. Third-person, tercera persona, it’s strange I know. I’ll try to stop. You don’t want me talking about what I think about Panamanians or their pock-faced former dictator pussies.

Let’s concentrate on who is in DC in order of geographical proximity to our great city: Guatemala, El Salvador, Honduras, and Nicaragua. Dudley, espero that this can help you in your quest to find out the pecking order of the brown in town.

For the record, I love all people. Now, the ranking:

El Salvador

1. Guatemala – Claro, El Guapo is from Guatemala so he’s going to put his country up front. No putos, that’s not true. I can admit that other Latinos are better looking than my countrymen (muy pocos), but I carefully thought about these rankings. Most people from Central America came here because of civil wars and wars. Guatemala never had any real wars with any of these others. They had a very bloody civil war (36 years!!) and came here. Plus, most Guatemalans are Mayan and todo el mundo sabe que Mayans rock the fucking house. That’s right, none of this Aztec maricon shit from Mexico.

Also, Guatemala told the British to stick it up their culos. That’s right. We wanted our land back, but the British had to send half of their pinche military to make us back off. I wonder how tough it made the British feel to try to dominate a Central American country. If you tell Britain to fuck off, that makes you cool. Unless you’re Argentina. I hate them.

2. Honduras – This choice may surprise some people. I like Hondurans. They’re just muy pobre. Hondurans are hard working people from a piece of shit country that come here and work 57 jobs to send back home. We all do that, but I like Hondurans because they had problems with El Salvador back in the day. Plus, I absolutamente ADORE their fashion sense. When you see a Hispanic dude with a mustache wearing a hat with some kind of a bird on it, HONDURAN. You need to love that. They’re good simple people with mustaches. Not all of their women have mustaches and I like that. Look at the women from Belize, full beards, no joke. Estoy serio.

3. El Salvador – El Salvador. Thank Dios that very few of my people go on the blogs or I would be getting all kinds of shit for this. Look, they are all over DC, NYC, and California. The reason they’re all over DC is that they CAN BREED. They look at their girl and boom, triplets. I saw a midget Salvadorian on the bus the other day. He told me that they had too many people living in one room, so his mom made him smaller!!! If you want to see some good ejemplos of Salvadorians, go to 14th Street by the Fire Station on Saturday mornings. There will be 4 of them laying on the ground passed out on glue and cheap alcohol. They do work hard, but man they like the tequila!!!

Numero tres because they start shit with everyone. In 1969 they had a war with Honduras because of a soccer match. Know porque? Because they were going into Honduras illegally and it was starting “race issues”. Anyway, the Hondurans were all upset that the Salvadorans were opening too many shoe stores and caused problems. Anyway, the Hondurans kicked their brown asses back to their country. Word to the gringos, do not make them mad or they WILL form a pussy gang like MS-13. Sorry, MS-13 knocked them down to #3 of the DC area. Desculpa-me chicos.

I have many Salvadorian friends. That’s why they are ahead of Nicaragua.

4. Nicaragua – Nicaragua is to Central America what Mexico is to the United States. Like any other person on this list, they too are hard workers. I’m a little ashamed to put them ahead of El Salvador, but I put them here because they are simple people. Campesinos, farm boys. I love them, but for the reason that they can’t grow facial hair. The mustache, yes, but only that. It’s a strange phenomenon. They can only grow hair below their nose. I used to think that Dominicans were the only ones that did that. They had a civil war, the Contras bothered them a little bit, US bailed them out, boring stuff. Nothing really exciting here, so this is why Nicaragua is here. BUT they’re ahead of Belize and Panama. Oh, and Costa Rica.

I don’t like long posts. Con permiso, they blow. Costa Ricans think their mierda doesn’t stink. I hate that. They’re below any other Central American and they can hang out with Argentineans all day long. The funny thing is that Argentineans wouldn’t even let them at their table. You see, Costa Ricans are ashamed of who they are. Even though I was put in the position to rank my people, I am proud, muy proud of all of us. We are the hardest working people that you will ever meet in your life. Una promesa, I promise, that you will never meet more hardworking, more loyal, better people than the fine Latinos of DC. Even algunos Costa Ricans are ok. Just algunos. Dudley, I hope this helps amigo.

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo


At 12:41 AM, Blogger Dudley said...

El Guapo,

Muchas gracias por su ayuda (wow, I had to reach into some hardcore high school spanish to whip that [most likely] crappy espanol out).

One that I was really interested to see in your pecking order were the puerto ricans. For the record, I can't stand these putas. I dated a puertorican once - biggest friggin mistake. Let's just say I have dropped my bean queen status since then. Actually any of the island folks I have had a problem with - cubanos, republica dominicana, puerto ricans - bitches all around. That's why my dating card has gone aryan nation up in this piece.

Either way, el guapo, you are still mi favorito.

At 2:52 AM, Blogger El Guapo in DC said...

There aren't too many Puertoriquenos in the DC area, so I didn't speak sobre ellos. Latina women in general are difficult my friend. My Mercedes says that the American women are too easy on their men. I like my women con pimienta (spicy).

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo

At 9:44 AM, Anonymous Aja said...

Hondurans rock!!! I agree about Costa Ricans, if they could braek of from CA and attach themselves to Argentina or Venezuela they would. I can't talk bad about Belize those are mi gente as well.

At 2:14 PM, Blogger Namaste said...

El Guapo, mi amor, you have outdone yourself with this post. I just laughed my culo off...and even though I used to have a thing for Puertoriquenos...I'm still down with the brown. Is it posible to be hispanic on the inside and gringa on the outside?

At 3:17 PM, Anonymous aja said...

yes, a fig newton

At 3:42 PM, Blogger El Guapo in DC said...


You have suerte that Mercedes is around because I'm starting to like you baby.

Aja, quien eres? Give me an e-mail, so I can reply!!! What is a Fig Newton?

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo

At 6:12 PM, Blogger Saucy Lil' Tart said...

I have a thing for Latino men in general. I haven't been discerning enough because I don't have a favorite yet. It seems that I gravitate toward los Mexicanos, pero, me gustan los Dominicanos, tambien. But I have so much to experience...!

At 7:43 PM, Blogger El Guapo in DC said...

I didn't know you white girls loved us so much. Es una pena that my Mercedes has a tight hold on me... Rrrrrrrrrr Saucy.

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo

At 9:34 AM, Blogger Dudley said...

Yeah, you latinos are a definitely a cute bunch, a lil short, but damn cute.

Perhaps, El Guapo, the next educational post could explain why latino men are always DRENCHED in cologne??? I'm talking smelling a friggin french whore! Yeah, it's better than smelling like pit stank, but sometimes hosing oneself in the eau du toilette is a little much!

At 10:13 AM, Anonymous Aja said...

Fig Newton

white on the outside, brown on the inside!!!


At 5:30 AM, Blogger Roonie said...

I like short. Maybe that's why I love Latino men.

I'm half Egyptian. We like us some spice in our lives, thank you.

At 3:16 PM, Blogger Chica Rosada said...

Ahhh mi amor, soy Cubana and I have to admit that I don't date the Latinos myself. Mucho machismo and not enough to back it up sabes? Wonderful amigos but when it comes to amor, Americanitos is where it is at for me.


At 3:56 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

dude, you are so far up ego creek, its unbelievable... plus you can't spell Spanish for shit.... if you think segredo means secret.... you're very wrong... nothing is as unsexy as someone who is uneducated.

At 1:12 AM, Blogger El Guapo in DC said...

You got me anonymous. I have fixed the mistake. Gracias! My spelling is not perfect.

Uneducated? Quiza, Perhaps. But guapo? Muy Guapo.

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo

At 5:26 PM, Blogger Michael said...

What you say may be true, but the Mexicanos eat better than anyone else in Brown Town. For example, Menudo is very good for a hangover. What boy band named after soup isn't?

I really enjoy your musings and would like to subscribe to your newsletter.

At 11:57 AM, Blogger Burlas said...

i didn't speak Spanish language but i have known some Spanish word.

Neuse River News - Oriental NC


Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home