El Guapo in DC

I am El Guapo. The most Guapo man in all of DC. Mucho Amor

Sunday, July 01, 2007

Tequila vs. Beer

Sometimes I drink. Sometimes I drink with Miguel. Sometimes I drink very much with Miguel.

For me, there are two types of nights: 1) Beer nights and 2)Tequila nights.

They are muy diferente. I am not a good beer drinker. Beer is cheap and plentiful. When I drink beer, I can know for certainty that I will not be going home with any gringa because chances are I will not even be able to walk. If you see a gorgeous Guatemalan on a park bench, I was drinking beer.

Miguel is the opposite. He can drink beer all night long and you’d never know it. He’s even a better driver when he drinks.

Tequila, is better with me. If you find yourself being lured by an irresistible mustached Guatemalan, I’m either sober or was drinking Tequila. Miguel, bueno, Miguel is the opposite.

Miguel should not be allowed to drink Tequila. Ever. Nunca. Every bar in Washington DC should have his picture up with the words NO Tequila next to it.

Last night was a Tequila night. I know this for a couple of reasons. Miguel is on my floor beside the couch. You may ask why he is on the floor, but I put him there. Actually, I shoved him there. And then after I shoved him, I punched him a couple of times.

He didn’t fight back. Don’t worry. He’s not dead. Not yet.

Why the violence? Bueno, let me explain. I wake up this morning and see that my restroom trash bag is full of urine. It seems that Miguel felt it would be better to urinate in my trash bag than in the toilet, inches away.

Oh, it also appears that my stereo speakers also resemble a toilet because, well, my speakers are a bit sticky. I just got these speakers.

I don’t even know what to say right now. I think I’m going to punch Miguel some more. That seems to make me feel better.

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo

Update 11:28 PM: The smell of Guatemalan urine is so putrid, that I don't know what to do with myself. I threw away my speakers and dumped the urine in the alley where the homeless usually go. I later discovered that mi "amigo" went in the corner behind a bookshelf. I don't even understand what that's about. In order to get the urine back there, he had to wedge his... Nevermind. I hate Miguel.


At 3:25 PM, Blogger savannah said...

next time take miguel to his house!

At 9:32 PM, Blogger Rev. Brandy said...

When I was in college, my idiot roommate and her equally unintelligent boyfriend drank too much. In the middle of the night, he got up and used my closet as a urinal. I ran over and started to punch him, but it did no good. He was completely out of it. So were the shoes he eliminated himself upon, and the other belongings he spattered. It was really a messed-up scene. I empathize with the speaker situation. My shoes were never quite the same after "Scotty" peed on them.

At 1:48 AM, Anonymous AZ said...

My late mother-in-law (no tequila didn't kill her, but it didn't help either) and I went out one night and tried to drink each other under the mesa, I did 17 shots and then I laid down in the parking lot to admire the stars, she was still drinking when I left for home (no, I didn't drive)! My condolences for the funk smell in your house, but you should have left Miguel outside with the beautiful stars.

At 7:09 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

of all the stories Miguel starred in, this one was the one that made me believe he is real.

At 8:15 AM, Blogger Kim Ayres said...

You mean Guatemalan urine doesn't smell of roses?

Ah well. If I were you, I would consider getting any creature that wishes to spread it's scent around your apartment, spayed.

At 9:36 AM, Blogger ADW said...

Punch him again. In fact, wait for a couple of weeks and just walk up to him and punch him right in the face. That is too nasty.

At 2:15 PM, Blogger Namaste said...

poor miguel. nothing worse than a guy who can't hold his liquor.

At 2:43 PM, Blogger green_canary said...

Nothing ruins a friendship faster than tequila. And urine.

At 5:45 PM, Anonymous naija woman said...

This is priceless! Oh, El Guapo, I'm sorry, but I can't stop laughing!! Well, try not to kill Miguel please.

At 6:22 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hahaha. No comment. You should make Miguel wear a diaper.

At 8:21 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wait! Go get the speakers back! Go to the pet store and buy some Nature's Miracle to take the urine smell out. Why shouldn't it also work on human pee?

At 2:25 PM, Blogger Snark Scribe said...

Now you have a great story to tell the next time your "amigo" tries to pick up a woman.

At 6:37 AM, Blogger P1P said...

Some of the best nights I have ever had started with the words, "let's do tequila shots".

Although it does usually result in carnage.

At 9:24 AM, Blogger Mark Williams said...

Tequila was a drink with very specific properties for me. It turned me into an insect, one that had fallen on its back. I would lie for hours with my arms and legs sticking up, ineffectually clawing the air, unable to right myself. It was like a scene from that marvellous story by Franz Kafka. Now I am teetotal which has simplified my life greatly and I am no longer subject to any kinds of metamorphic interludes.

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At 3:00 AM, Blogger Burlas said...

if you were in need my opinion.

i only drink twice a year

and it would be my birthday and not my birth day..

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