New Technique

A large group of mis amigos were at a bar yesterday when one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen sat two seats down from me. Her hair was dark and straight, her eyes were a faded blue and her lips were pouting for something. She wore a low-cut dress that made even me stare for a moment too long. She was gorgeous. If she told me to vote Republican, I’d actually think about it.

You may be thinking why I didn’t go up to her right away, but I couldn’t. You see, she had two guys with her. I quickly disliked them. One had the glazed eyes of a chipmunk and the other had a top lip struggling with his overbite.

It’s very hard to approach a woman when she is with two guy friends. The guy friends always have a dream that they’re going to fall in love with them and get offended when guys approach because ‘how dare the guy not assume that she’s with him’ type of thing. That’s where Miguel steps in.

“El Guapo. I see you looking the difficult situation here. Are you going to try to break the wall or stare the whole night?”

Miguel and I have discussed this conundrum on several occasions. By this point, lip quiver had noticed the attention his amiga was getting and was making unnecessary touches to ward us off. I’m Guatemalan baby, I can’t be shooed away so easily.

“El Guapo, tengo una idea. I’ve been thinking about this for some time. It is the ultimate wing-man approach and I’d like to try it out.”

This should be interesting.

“Do you know how women love gay guys? Women ask them to touch their butts, breasts and other things I probably don’t even know exist. Right? Well, what has NEVER been tried before, is to use a gay guy as a wing man.”

A gay guy as a wing man?

“Si. Pay attention. You have a gay guy. And you have the gay guy go up to a woman you’re interested in. Think about it. A gay guy can walk up to that woman and say in his gay voice, ‘Honey, listen. I’ve seen many breasts in my day, but yours, oh my, yours are just fabulous,” and that would be perfectly ok.”

Oh my.

“Si, pay attention. Then, the gay guy wing man introduces you as one of his best friends. Are you kidding me? It’s gold. A woman would love that you are comfortable enough with yourself to have a best friend who is gay.”

Miguel, that’s pretty good.

“Good? No. It’s genius. I am a genius. You are lucky to be around me. Tonight you should light a candle in my honor.”

What happened next was classic. Miguel told me that he owed me for being a good wing man, so he was going in. He dipped his fingers in his beer and spiked his hair with it. Interesante. Then, he walks right up to the woman and says, “Mi amor, ay, you, look, FABULOUS. Who made that dress? It looks perfect on you.”

And, well, that was that. No details, but I walked her home.

Miguel, the best wing man ever.

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo