Song sent by God
I saw a beautiful woman today. She had shoulder length blonde hair, 5’4 frame, cute feet with unpainted, manicured toes and some kind of straw heels. She had a quiet swagger. The type that people have when they were told they were beautiful, but long ago.
We made eye contact at a corner and later down the block she slowed down and made more eye contact with me. She had beautiful green/blue eyes. The kind that I could look into for a while. The kind that if looked into long enough, you could see someone’s soul.
I did nothing.
It was strange. For a moment, we were walking side by side, each of us looking to the side with our eyes only, but not saying anything. As the man, I should have been the one to say something. Something good, not too tried, but witty. As if this moment were written by Jesus Christo himself, a car drove by with the song “You’re Beautiful” blaring. The windows were down in an unbearable heat, but whatever power that controls mi vida made it so that this song was playing.
I did nothing. Nada. Absolutamiente nada.
Why? What the hell is happening to me? Why am I being like this?
Lately, I have been different. Afraid. Not myself.
If one did not know me well, you would think nothing different, but there is. I feel it. I’m afraid of getting back there.
Don’t get me wrong. I’ve thrown myself out there and there have been women who take me, but I’m not ready. I wish I could be like some of mis amigos. I wish I could have a different woman in my bed every night. I wish I could delete names from my phone every day. I wish that I didn’t have a conscience. I wish so many things so that I could get through each day easier, but no.
I’m afraid of love. I’m afraid of vulnerability. I’m afraid of having mi corazon broken yet again. I’m afraid to trust. I’m afraid of so many things that it makes me feel un-Guatemalan.
Where are you? Where is the woman who will make me trust again? Where is the woman who will make me feel at ease again?
I feel pathetic. I feel alone. I feel, for the first time in mi vida, un-Guapo…
Estoy cansado.
To the woman on the street, I hope our paths cross again. You are, by the way, beautiful. I wish I had a chance to tell you that.
Mucho Amor,
El Guapo
posted by El Guapo in DC @ 10:26 PM
18 Comments:
I thank God that you're who you are.That certain someone will come along, EG.Just be patient.You have lots of that,don't you?
Sigh.
I was updating my wedding materials the other day. The stuff that I give couples when they hire me to help them write and perform their wedding ceremony. Anyway, I found this quote. I hope that it helps you. Although it's about marriage, one could remove that word and insert "love."
"It is, indeed, a fearful gamble . . . Because it is the nature of love to create, a marriage itself is something which has to be created, so that together we become a new creature. To marry is the biggest risk in human relations that a person can take . . . If we commit ourselves to one person for life, this is not as many people think, a rejection of freedom; rather it demands the courage to move into all the risks of freedom, and the risk of love which is permanent; into that love which is not possession, but participation . . . It takes a lifetime to learn another person . . . When love is not possession, but participation, then it is part of that co-creation which is our human calling, and which implies such risk that it is often feared and rejected." - Madeleine L'Engle
EG - it takes great courage to open ourselves up again, to risk, to choose to become more. Shutting ourselves off into the world of meaningless flings is simple. It doesn't encourage growth. It doesn't demand anything of our character or our conscience. But to risk revealing ourselves to someone else, to put it all out there . . . to risk being hurt again . . . that takes courage. It takes great strength.
It's within you. You'll find it again when you're ready.
my mama always said "no hay mal que por bien no venga" albeit the pain, it's a litle life lesson, we learn and we are better for it. sometimes it takes a little time for the magic to return pero con un poquitito de faith, it does return.
I knew exactly where you are, I was there for a long time after my divorce. It's ok, it takes time to heal & you need to give yourself that time.I promise you You will love & trust again .the heart that comes through your writing is not meant to be loveless & probably when you least expect it Your heart will be there. in the meantime spending time with friends & loving in that way is the best therepy. I'm looking forward to the post where your in love again this gringo has never seen a guatamalan love story
El G, don't turn into your amigos. There are way too many men like them out there, and trust me, they've got theirs coming. there are women out there who DON'T want a douche who forgets them after the first time they have sex. Seriously, don't change.
I think that instead of looking for the woman who will help you trust again, you need to find that trust in yourself. Only THEN the right woman will come along.
El Guapo, sometimes we need to retreat into ourselves for a little while; it's where we do our most significant learning. You will resurface.
Because self-loathing/pity/whatever gets you nowhere, I'm going to pick on you... It had to be a petite blonde woman didn't it?!
You'll be ready when you're ready. My grams used to say that to me and it took a long time for it to make sense, but there you have it.
Don't despair. There is nothing wrong with taking your time to figure out what is right for you and we all go through little funks now and again. Plus with that sexy mustache, I am sure you will have no problem culling the finest heifer out of the herd when she comes along *smile*.
This makes you neither un-Guapo nor un-Guatemalan...you are simply cansado and not listo. Rest. You'll be ready when you're ready.
No worries. She's out there somewhere and you'll run into her when you least expect it.
Chic is right. I didn't care, couldn't care, and wanted nothing to do with dating after my divorce. I didn't want the hurt and was having fun with the girls for nearly a year. I told him no for 6 weeks. One date, El Guapo, was all it took. I have what I have been looking for my entire life. And as Rev Brandy quoted... it is the Greatest Participation instead of battle of the wills.
It will happen! I have been in the greatest adventure of my life for 7 years now. And I said no many times..............
That post brought me close to tears. I don't think I can say any better than what 'no longer anonymous' said, that is:
'the heart that comes through your writing is not meant to be loveless'.
It'll take time El G, but being the beautiful guatemalan you are, you won't be alone for long.
Much love
xxxx
Things happen for a reason.
People don't believe that for some reason, but I've been that girl before, wondering why a stranger looks so intently and says nothing.
Now I know.
Gratzi,
Ally M.
P.S. You should try this line in Spanish "you shine brighter than the stars." It's what made me fall for my Linguist.
El Guapo, you are perfect as is. If you change, I will be very upset. It's tough, the recovery. Te mando abrazos . . . I think the grammar is right.
stop mewling.
te amo.
Too much mush in this comment page.
You should have told her 'I OWN THAT!'
My work here is done. ;-)
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