El Guapo in DC

I am El Guapo. The most Guapo man in all of DC. Mucho Amor

Thursday, December 29, 2005

Cologne: El Secreto (The Secret)

I see that Mr. Dudley is un poquito enthralled with Latino culture and has many questions that he needs answered. El Guapo is here to help you my pasty-colored friend.

Cologne plays a muy importante part within Latin American culture. It is MUY IMPORTANTE to note, however, that your observation: “latino men are always DRENCHED” in cologne” is incorrect.

We are talking about what many of my gringo friends have labeled as the “Puerto Rican shower”. I hate this label. I find it racist. Puerto Ricans rarely shower anyway, so giving them any label that implies personal hygiene offends me as a Latino male. Puerto Ricans are good for gold chains and traffic-stopping parades in New York. Once again, do you ever find Guatemalans doing this? Even Hondurans leave the traffic alone. Going forward, please call it the "Puerto Rican Substitute".

Why do we wear cologne? The truth is that we wear cologne to keep women in line. You see, our natural pheromones are something that the North American women cannot handle. We’re too sexy. Without this chemical protection, we would have to walk around constantly being harassed by your women. I have been in meetings of the Latin American leadership and it has been discussed that this phenomenon could create another civil war. Most in this area have been through our fair share of wars and frankly you can have your women if it will keep us in peace.

The Europeans were the first to introduce perfumes to our continent. If the smell offends you, blame the French while eating your Freedom Fries.

Look, we’re here to work and send money back home. Once in a while we give in and give the women a little taste of our Latin love, but for the most part we leave them to you. As the official spokesperson for all Latinos in DC, I would like to apologize for being so sexy. Our way of making up for our clear genetic superiority is to buy the Tommy Hilfiger $12.99 bottle of gringo-repellent at CVS and be on our merry way.

Look at the description: "Tommy captures the spirit of America. The smell of rain-swept fresh air mingles with Kentucky blue grass and Midwestern spearmint, the heady scent of Rocky Mountain blue spruce and the woodsy warmth of Vermont red maple. Optimistic and energetic, it is the embodiment of all-American style."

Do you think that we want to smell like "rain-swept fresh air" mingling with "Kentucky blue grass and Midwestern spearmint"? No! We do this to keep American society under control. Because if we don't, who will?

I hope this answers your question. The next time you find yourself next to a smallish, sexy Latino that is making your ojos (eyes) water, don’t hate. Pat him on the back, buy him a drink and say, “Gracias”. Then grab that cute blonde at the bar and go home. To please her poorly.

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo

17 Comments:

At 12:10 PM, Anonymous aja504 said...

This is terrible. I like boriquas, in fact, last night I had a date and he smelled so good, not doused as you mentioned... very intoxicating, but yes, i find that Latinos under the height of 5'5 wear the most because they are basically asking for some attencion de lo max. Primero muerte antes que casar me con ese tapon!!! Latinos are sexy, but sometimes as I am walking down the streets of DC and see my 5'0-5'5 brothers and sisters I wonder how we missed the genetic lottery on height, how can a whole population of people be so short???

y perdon, aja504@gmail.com

 
At 12:18 PM, Blogger wdegraw said...

El Gaupo -

Why is it macho for latino men to threaten to fuck other latino men in the ass, but gay when others - say Irishmen - threaten to do the same to their own countrymen?

Also, how does the manhood of latinos stack up against the manhood of other ethnicities, particularly in the DC area?

 
At 12:54 PM, Blogger El Guapo in DC said...

Senor wdegraw... I like the Irish. I've never threatened to fuck anyone in the ass. Quiza this has to do with the crowd you hang out with? Do the Irish do this often? Threaten, that is? I say live the way you want to live. You only get one vida (life) have fun.

Guatemalans are the most manly. Costa Ricans are the least. Hope that helps.

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo

 
At 5:13 PM, Blogger wdegraw said...

First, this is not my way. Like you appear to be, I am a lover, not a fighter.

Secondly, this remains a serious question. I've heard it many times on the streets of my city. Two hispanics get into a fight, one says "I'll fuck you in the ass". The other says: "No, I'll fuck YOU in the ass." The first responds with "Not if I fuck you in the Ass first." This goes on and on - usually until someone gets beaten (but never fucked in the ass).

Normally threatening a guy's manhood in this way would constitute serious fighting words, but, in this scenario, the fighting words are as gay as they are apparantly manly.

So, I ask you again, is this a hispanic thing. Also, would this same threat be raised to a hispanic broad?

I think Jesus (played by John Tuturro) in The Big Lebowski also used the threat. Check it out.

So, my question is this:

Is it because hispanic man are so macho that they can say even this in a manly way? You may want to do some research and publish the results.

 
At 7:23 PM, Blogger El Guapo in DC said...

Si, I'll look into this strange phenomenon in your ciudad. What ciudad is this? Are you translating into English, or are they yelling this in Spanish. If so, could you write what it is they "say" in Spanish?

I know it is a huge offense to say someone gets fucked in the ass, but I've never heard anyone threatening to do so. In fact, in most of Latin America the symbol that Americans use for "OK" is bad and suggests what a man could do to another's culo....

In some circles, not mine, it is acceptable for a man to be the fornicator, but not the receiver. Comprendes? Depends on the country. Costa Rica & Belize are like that!

Es possible that we move on?

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo

 
At 8:32 PM, Blogger wdegraw said...

I may muy happy to move on. El Gaupo, suppose you were camping with your best Gautemalan buddy. In the middle of the night, you awoke to find your erect penis in his mouth. Assume you were horrified, beat him down, booted him from your tent, packed up and went home.

Assume that you were certain that your friend would never tell anyone what he did. Would YOU tell anyone what happened?

 
At 8:46 PM, Blogger El Guapo in DC said...

It seems like you had a bad experience with the Boy Scouts?

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo

 
At 12:10 AM, Blogger Dudley said...

Whoa . . . what is up with this fucked in the ass conversation?! As a raging gringo homosexual I find this extremely offensive!!! ;-)

El Guapo, many thanks for your Latino Educational Series! I feel I have learned quite a bit and it will certainly help me as I continue to uphold the honor you have bestowed upon me as an honoary latino.

 
At 7:55 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Senor El Guapo

Porque are Costa Ricans so low on your scale? I have heard this before. note.. no soy Costa Rican, i am Chinese.

lastly, u are hilarious.

 
At 2:00 AM, Blogger wdegraw said...

El Gaupo -

Would you rather go down on Chita Rivera, or give Esai Morales a hand job?

Mucho Amor to you, sir!

 
At 10:00 AM, Blogger Namaste said...

muy divertido. i love this post.

 
At 10:00 AM, Blogger Namaste said...

muy divertido. i love this post.

 
At 1:23 PM, Blogger hugaliciousgurl said...

This is the best - and most believable - explanation that I have ever read. Now I know why I am so attracted to Latino men.

 
At 11:40 AM, Anonymous JIGGA said...

wdegraw

you got some issues with culos and penisis,
that you need to sort out or figure out before you can comment on the macho thing!!
i am a LATINO and i live in CHICAGO,
LATINOS in CHICAGO are not considered minorities any more,
and i guarantee you that you or anyone for that matter will hear a LATINO speak in the form you say WE do.

 
At 11:44 AM, Anonymous JIGGA said...

i guarantee you that you or anyone for that matter will ~~ "NOT" ~~ hear a LATINO speak in the form you say WE do

 
At 3:08 AM, Blogger Abagale said...

I recently came accross your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I dont know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.


Margaret

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At 11:03 AM, Blogger Burlas said...

you've made an excellent post..


great...

Neuse River News - Oriental NC

 

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