Cologne: El Secreto (The Secret)

I see that Mr. Dudley is un poquito enthralled with Latino culture and has many questions that he needs answered. El Guapo is here to help you my pasty-colored friend.

Cologne plays a muy importante part within Latin American culture. It is MUY IMPORTANTE to note, however, that your observation: “latino men are always DRENCHED” in cologne” is incorrect.

We are talking about what many of my gringo friends have labeled as the “Puerto Rican shower”. I hate this label. I find it racist. Puerto Ricans rarely shower anyway, so giving them any label that implies personal hygiene offends me as a Latino male. Puerto Ricans are good for gold chains and traffic-stopping parades in New York. Once again, do you ever find Guatemalans doing this? Even Hondurans leave the traffic alone. Going forward, please call it the "Puerto Rican Substitute".

Why do we wear cologne? The truth is that we wear cologne to keep women in line. You see, our natural pheromones are something that the North American women cannot handle. We’re too sexy. Without this chemical protection, we would have to walk around constantly being harassed by your women. I have been in meetings of the Latin American leadership and it has been discussed that this phenomenon could create another civil war. Most in this area have been through our fair share of wars and frankly you can have your women if it will keep us in peace.

The Europeans were the first to introduce perfumes to our continent. If the smell offends you, blame the French while eating your Freedom Fries.

Look, we’re here to work and send money back home. Once in a while we give in and give the women a little taste of our Latin love, but for the most part we leave them to you. As the official spokesperson for all Latinos in DC, I would like to apologize for being so sexy. Our way of making up for our clear genetic superiority is to buy the Tommy Hilfiger $12.99 bottle of gringo-repellent at CVS and be on our merry way.

Look at the description: "Tommy captures the spirit of America. The smell of rain-swept fresh air mingles with Kentucky blue grass and Midwestern spearmint, the heady scent of Rocky Mountain blue spruce and the woodsy warmth of Vermont red maple. Optimistic and energetic, it is the embodiment of all-American style."

Do you think that we want to smell like "rain-swept fresh air" mingling with "Kentucky blue grass and Midwestern spearmint"? No! We do this to keep American society under control. Because if we don't, who will?

I hope this answers your question. The next time you find yourself next to a smallish, sexy Latino that is making your ojos (eyes) water, don’t hate. Pat him on the back, buy him a drink and say, “Gracias”. Then grab that cute blonde at the bar and go home. To please her poorly.

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo