El Guapo in DC

I am El Guapo. The most Guapo man in all of DC. Mucho Amor

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

The line

For the most part, I enjoy living in Washington DC. It has everything I need like check cashing stores, stores that sell pupusas and of course a decent selection of flan at my grocery store. Yes, the dining, museums, memorials and all that other stuff are pretty great too, but flan is flan.

Today I was tired and thirsty and did what I do, what you do, what we do when we’re tired and thirsty: I read some Kierkegaard.

Jesus, I’m kidding, I went to a bar to have a beer.

So, I’m in my “alone” mood. I get these every once in a while and I think it’s normal. I just need to be away from it all and concentrate on seeing what the bottom of my beer bottle looks like. Several times. I don’t do this often, but I was today.

I wasn’t really in the mood to talk, but people talk to me. If I wanted to be completely alone I would have stayed at home, but there is something soothing about the smell of a smoky, wooden bar.

“Hey amigo! Let me buy you a beer.”

Note that the way he said “amigo” was said like this: aah-mee-goe You know the accent if you have ever been to the South of the United States. I like it when southerners try to speak Spanish. When they say the word “quien” I always think they’re calling for “Ken”. Anyway, I wasn’t in the mood for talking, but free beer is free beer. There are some things that you don’t turn down. Please try to read this gentleman with a thick, friendly Southern accent.

“Man, I’ll tell you what, it’s hotter’n hell out there! I’m sweatin’ up a storm and that rain ain’t makin’ it any better.”

Yes. Thanks for the beer.

“No problema amigo. You looked like you were thirsty and I felt like buyin’!”

I am his ameeego. Please note my excitement. Can you feel it? Feel my excitement. Feel it.

“Man, mah old lady has been harpin’ up a storm lately. (Now in a female voice) The roof is leaking, the cat needs to go to the vet, the lawn needs to mowed, you need to buy weed killer, put on more deodorant, man, I wish she would just sheut up sumtahms!”

Yes. Sometimes woman can be difficult. This is what makes them fun and interesting.

“Fun n till you get them a ring! Then, man, it’s all down hill from there. They change man, they change, trust me, they change.”

The bartender makes eye contact with me and winks. It turns out that my desire for a free beer has now obligated me to listen to this man’s tale. I forgot about that rule. I was too busy thinking about a free beer. He ordered me a Guiness. I don’t even like Guiness. Does this count then? Seriously! Does this count? Deodorant? Put on more deodorant? What is that?

“Yeah, man, I don’t know sometimes. I don’t know. Weh, weh, weh, Man, when she starts going, she starts going.”

I have a question. She complains about deodorant?

I know, I know. But then I thought: If you talk to them that means you’re showing interest. If you show interest they’re going to talk more. If they talk more, you’re going to be miserable. If you’re going to be miserable, you’re going to drink more. If you drink more, you’re going to get drunk. If you get drunk enough, you’ll forget everything. So, in theory, I was asking with the knowledge that I was going to forget.

“Yeah man, I’m allergic. I just do the motion of putting on deodorant so that she doesn’t complain. I barely smell at all, look.

As I had a man bring his chest close to mine I quickly realized a few things: 1. Yes, he did smell, not barely; 2. People from the south are very friendly; 3. People should start offering flan instead of beer.

The next topic of conversation, after he bought me a second beer (I know, I know, I can’t turn down free beer, it’s my disease) was how he shot blanks.

The bartender was in the corner laughing into a napkin (acting like he was blowing his nose).

When does one draw the line? I was never taught this rule. Do you draw the line when the topic comes to shooting blanks?

I wish he had offered me flan.

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo


At 11:39 PM, Blogger Velvet said...

First - you really tell a great story. But you know this already mi amor.

Second - this is what we ladies go through when a man buys us a beer. We can't act rude or he'll think we're a bitch. So we have to sit there and take it. Once I had a guy motion for the bartender to get me another beer, and the guy was behind me. I ended up playing pool with him, just because of that free beer. And all I wanted was to be alone. Sniff sniff.

Glad you're back on a regular basis. I missed you when you were away!

At 12:23 AM, Blogger Asian Mistress said...

"I wish he had offered me flan."

Oh...don't we all...

At 12:44 AM, Anonymous Siryn said...

I love flan.

How old was this dude?

At 1:06 AM, Blogger El Guapo in DC said...

Hard to tell. Late 40's, early 50's?

You're all up late tonight!

At 1:08 AM, Blogger Raincouver said...

Hey- I thought of you last night when I was at JPauls. DC Rose guy came in!!! I wanted to ask him how things were going with his lady, but I thought it would get personal.

And Velvet, I hear ya on this one. Maybe you should do like guapo and say "I don't feel like having a drink, but if you wanna buy me flan that would be okay".

I'd love to see the look on his face.

At 4:55 AM, Blogger P1P said...

You could have headed to the toilet and out the window. The beer talk exchange is fine but you aren't married to the guy, especially if he asks you to smell him or starts talking about his faulty love juice.

I am intrigued by flan. Is it like cheesecake? Does it exist in England? Where can I try this ambrosia?

At 7:53 AM, Blogger Prom said...

What Velvet said. In some guys' minds if you were a girl, you'd be obligated to fuck him rather than just listen to him.

At 9:23 AM, Blogger Raincouver said...

P1P, Flan is a milk based dessert, similar to a custard. The French call it Creme Caramel, and the Spaniards, Flan.

Mr. Guapo is a fan of Goya products.

Personally, I like to pour a little Don Julio Añejo on the flan. Gives it that extra kick!

At 12:37 PM, Anonymous Sweet said...

Who randomly buys someone a Guiness of all beers? Weird. Sorry about having to smell the stench. It made me laugh, but it must have been rough.

At 7:10 PM, Blogger Lisa said...

Hahaha! El Guapo! You have the best stories! Why isn't my life as exciting as yours?!

At 1:15 AM, Anonymous robyn said...

dios mío, guapo...

i bought some flan mix at the grocery store just the other day...now i'm gonna be thinking about B.O. when I attempt to make it. i mean it's bad enough i'm trying to make it from a jell-o lookin box, but now the B.O. thing?...que pena. :) besos!

At 5:37 AM, Blogger P1P said...

Raincouver. I shall try flan directly. Anything like custard has got to be excellent!

Just checked out the website too

At 11:02 AM, Blogger Debby said...

OMG, what an absolutely hysterical story, but tsk tsk Guapo you gave yourself away with the Kierkagaard reference.

At 12:17 PM, Blogger El Guapo in DC said...

What? Guatemalans can't read a little philosophy? Vamos...

At 4:14 PM, Blogger Rev. Smokin Steve said...

I hate to break this to you, but if a man ever buys you flan, you're on a date with him.

Buying another guy a beer is acceptable man behavior. Buying him a dessert is definitely crossing the line into you know what.

Not that there is anything wrong with that.

At 8:02 PM, Anonymous Emily said...

El Guapo, I adore your blog.

At 9:11 PM, Blogger Little Miss Anthropic said...

El Guapo, I'll gladly serve you flan. I remember when we met at an airport. I wanted to give you my own security frisk. Instead, I just stared at you...thinking to myself.."OH MY GOD!!? IS THAT EL GUAPO?? HE'S SOOO HOOTTTTTT!!!!!...I wonder if I can get him to talk to me.." :)

At 2:21 PM, Anonymous Sini said...

I love your blog. :)

At 10:04 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have a friend with stomach cancer. One thing he will eat is the flan that comes in the jello looking box. Problem is that they don't sell it in any stores here. His wife has tried recipes for it, but he just likes the boxed kind. Does anyone know the company that makes it? Rose

At 10:09 AM, Blogger El Guapo in DC said...


E-mail me directly with any questions. Good Luck.


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