For the most part, I enjoy living in Washington DC. It has everything I need like check cashing stores, stores that sell pupusas and of course a decent selection of flan at my grocery store. Yes, the dining, museums, memorials and all that other stuff are pretty great too, but flan is flan.
Today I was tired and thirsty and did what I do, what you do, what we do when we’re tired and thirsty: I read some Kierkegaard.
Jesus, I’m kidding, I went to a bar to have a beer.
So, I’m in my “alone” mood. I get these every once in a while and I think it’s normal. I just need to be away from it all and concentrate on seeing what the bottom of my beer bottle looks like. Several times. I don’t do this often, but I was today.
I wasn’t really in the mood to talk, but people talk to me. If I wanted to be completely alone I would have stayed at home, but there is something soothing about the smell of a smoky, wooden bar.
“Hey amigo! Let me buy you a beer.”
Note that the way he said “amigo” was said like this: aah-mee-goe You know the accent if you have ever been to the South of the United States. I like it when southerners try to speak Spanish. When they say the word “quien” I always think they’re calling for “Ken”. Anyway, I wasn’t in the mood for talking, but free beer is free beer. There are some things that you don’t turn down. Please try to read this gentleman with a thick, friendly Southern accent.
“Man, I’ll tell you what, it’s hotter’n hell out there! I’m sweatin’ up a storm and that rain ain’t makin’ it any better.”
Yes. Thanks for the beer.
“No problema amigo. You looked like you were thirsty and I felt like buyin’!”
I am his ameeego. Please note my excitement. Can you feel it? Feel my excitement. Feel it.
“Man, mah old lady has been harpin’ up a storm lately. (Now in a female voice) The roof is leaking, the cat needs to go to the vet, the lawn needs to mowed, you need to buy weed killer, put on more deodorant, man, I wish she would just sheut up sumtahms!”
Yes. Sometimes woman can be difficult. This is what makes them fun and interesting.
“Fun n till you get them a ring! Then, man, it’s all down hill from there. They change man, they change, trust me, they change.”
The bartender makes eye contact with me and winks. It turns out that my desire for a free beer has now obligated me to listen to this man’s tale. I forgot about that rule. I was too busy thinking about a free beer. He ordered me a Guiness. I don’t even like Guiness. Does this count then? Seriously! Does this count? Deodorant? Put on more deodorant? What is that?
“Yeah, man, I don’t know sometimes. I don’t know. Weh, weh, weh, Man, when she starts going, she starts going.”
I have a question. She complains about deodorant?
I know, I know. But then I thought: If you talk to them that means you’re showing interest. If you show interest they’re going to talk more. If they talk more, you’re going to be miserable. If you’re going to be miserable, you’re going to drink more. If you drink more, you’re going to get drunk. If you get drunk enough, you’ll forget everything. So, in theory, I was asking with the knowledge that I was going to forget.
“Yeah man, I’m allergic. I just do the motion of putting on deodorant so that she doesn’t complain. I barely smell at all, look.
As I had a man bring his chest close to mine I quickly realized a few things: 1. Yes, he did smell, not barely; 2. People from the south are very friendly; 3. People should start offering flan instead of beer.
The next topic of conversation, after he bought me a second beer (I know, I know, I can’t turn down free beer, it’s my disease) was how he shot blanks.
The bartender was in the corner laughing into a napkin (acting like he was blowing his nose).
When does one draw the line? I was never taught this rule. Do you draw the line when the topic comes to shooting blanks?
I wish he had offered me flan.