"I don't want to talk about it."
"El Guapo, ahora no. Not now."
Lo siento. Tell me what happened..
"El Guapo, sometimes, sometimes, a man just can't take it anymore."
Did you punch someone in the face?
"No," said the great Miguel as the words came out of his wide as the Rio Plata grin. It was one of those grins that just put you in a good mood because you knew there was an amazing story behind it.
"Ok. It's pretty bad."
Yeah, no kidding. Come on. Let me hear this.
"Ok, you know George, the day assistant manager? Well, he was riding me the whole day. He had nothing to do. Dean (general manager) was out and all of a sudden the pinche idiota was on a power trip."
So what? Most restaurant assistant managers have power trips. It's the fun of being an assistant manager. You get to boss people around for the first and only time of your life.
"Si, El Guapo, pero this guy was out of control. He wanted to give me tests on the appetizer list, he kept walking around my tables finding things to complain about. It was like he was putting fire ants into a sore. So, I key culo'd him."
I looked at my childhood friend with squinted eyes and lips pressed tightly together. I knew that I wanted to know what the hell that was, but at the same time I really didn't want to know. I nodded my tilted head at him and motioned for him to tell me.
"Key culo. I invented it. I stuck my finger en mi culo. I put it in real deep and rubbed it around the sides. If you're going to key culo someone you have to dedicate yourself to this. I was in there for a long time. Deep tambien. Muy deep. It's better if it's deep. Then I wiped it all over George's key board, mouse and the little pad where his wrist goes by the keyboard. I REALLY put it on that. The smell is going to be on him for ever. Even if he washes his hands, he probably won't wash those gordo wrists of his. Perfecto."
"Key culo, El Guapo."
Miguel, you're a genius. So, what happened?
"Bueno, I sat there and watched him go downstairs to probably make someone's mierda schedule. Then I saw him come up to look at the counter. He scratched his nose. He smelled it then. It was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. Have you ever seen someone smell their finger in a way where they're hoping people don't notice, but everyone always notices? He did that like 20 times. He washed his hand in the bar sink a bunch of times, I even saw him rub lime wedges on his fingers. Lime wedges. So, I go over to get a dish and I asked one of the waitresses what that smell was. She pointed at George. I turned to him and winked at him."
"He will never be able to prove anything, but he knows that I did something to him. He kept on being a dick, so I told him that I quit."
"Bueno, I told him that I couldn't work with a manager who didn't have good hygiene. I told him I was concerned for the customers. When I told him this, he rubbed his fingers all along his forehead. I've never been happier in all mi vida. So, que piensas?"
Stay away from my computer.