El Guapo in DC

I am El Guapo. The most Guapo man in all of DC. Mucho Amor

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Hygiene

What happened?

"I don't want to talk about it."

What happened?

"El Guapo, ahora no. Not now."

Lo siento. Tell me what happened..

"El Guapo, sometimes, sometimes, a man just can't take it anymore."

Did you punch someone in the face?

"No," said the great Miguel as the words came out of his wide as the Rio Plata grin. It was one of those grins that just put you in a good mood because you knew there was an amazing story behind it.

Digame. Vamos.

"Ok. It's pretty bad."

Yeah, no kidding. Come on. Let me hear this.

"Ok, you know George, the day assistant manager? Well, he was riding me the whole day. He had nothing to do. Dean (general manager) was out and all of a sudden the pinche idiota was on a power trip."

So what? Most restaurant assistant managers have power trips. It's the fun of being an assistant manager. You get to boss people around for the first and only time of your life.

"Si, El Guapo, pero this guy was out of control. He wanted to give me tests on the appetizer list, he kept walking around my tables finding things to complain about. It was like he was putting fire ants into a sore. So, I key culo'd him."



I looked at my childhood friend with squinted eyes and lips pressed tightly together. I knew that I wanted to know what the hell that was, but at the same time I really didn't want to know. I nodded my tilted head at him and motioned for him to tell me.

"Key culo. I invented it. I stuck my finger en mi culo. I put it in real deep and rubbed it around the sides. If you're going to key culo someone you have to dedicate yourself to this. I was in there for a long time. Deep tambien. Muy deep. It's better if it's deep. Then I wiped it all over George's key board, mouse and the little pad where his wrist goes by the keyboard. I REALLY put it on that. The smell is going to be on him for ever. Even if he washes his hands, he probably won't wash those gordo wrists of his. Perfecto."

Key culo?

"Key culo, El Guapo."

Miguel, you're a genius. So, what happened?

"Bueno, I sat there and watched him go downstairs to probably make someone's mierda schedule. Then I saw him come up to look at the counter. He scratched his nose. He smelled it then. It was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. Have you ever seen someone smell their finger in a way where they're hoping people don't notice, but everyone always notices? He did that like 20 times. He washed his hand in the bar sink a bunch of times, I even saw him rub lime wedges on his fingers. Lime wedges. So, I go over to get a dish and I asked one of the waitresses what that smell was. She pointed at George. I turned to him and winked at him."

"He will never be able to prove anything, but he knows that I did something to him. He kept on being a dick, so I told him that I quit."

You quit?

"Bueno, I told him that I couldn't work with a manager who didn't have good hygiene. I told him I was concerned for the customers. When I told him this, he rubbed his fingers all along his forehead. I've never been happier in all mi vida. So, que piensas?"

Stay away from my computer.

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo

17 Comments:

At 11:34 AM, Anonymous pagalina said...

EEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwww. Remind me to always be nice to waiters!

 
At 11:44 AM, Anonymous Siryn said...

Right now, "oh shit" is an understatement. muahahahaa!! Disgusting, though. And all I thought we had to worry about was the "special sauce"!!

 
At 11:49 AM, Blogger Velvet said...

As someone who spent 14 years in the restaurant business, this is PRICELESS and WELL DESERVED! Bravo Miguel!

You know....my ex boyfriend worked on a movie with Denzel Washington who is the biggest dick in the world. He made my ex's grandmother cry when someone in his group of bodyguards called her a whore. So my ex went into his trailer, took his toothbrush and scrubbed his balls with it. Then put it back in the container. THEN, he took his smoothie that was in the refrigerator, and wiped the straw through the crack of his ass. To this day, I won't watch a movie with that asshole in it.

 
At 1:47 PM, Blogger Rev. Smokin Steve said...

I hope Miguel didn't enjoy the deepness too much.

 
At 2:11 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

miguel has the right idea. so does your ex boyfried, velvet. revenge sure is sweet. el guapo forever.

 
At 9:49 PM, Blogger Veronica said...

I can't help thinking about all the people that weren't assholes, that will inadvertently touch a door knob or something that Assistant Manager Asshole touched. Eeeesh!

 
At 10:09 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ew. That was really disgusting and I hope he washed his finger after that.

Reminds me of a movie a once saw, I think David Arquette was in it, he was drinking a smoothie or whatever and he finishes and decides to stick a finger up his ass and complain to the person in charge of the little shop (7 eleven, maybe) that the drink tasted and smelled awful and wanted another one for free. (He would hold the cup with his finger inside the cup and hold it close to the cashier's nose. Really disgusting, funny in a twisted way).

 
At 10:42 PM, Anonymous Bob said...

That is absolutely disgusting. Couldn't he be a man and just punch him in the face?

 
At 7:36 AM, Anonymous mamasita said...

That is just so nasty.

 
At 9:37 AM, Blogger KFarmer said...

I'll have to remember that one- disgusting, but effective.

When I was reading your story it reminded me of that monkey on the late night videos who scratches his butt, smells his finger, then falls off the tree trunk in a dead faint. Funniest thing I have ever seen in my life-

 
At 11:19 AM, Blogger green_canary said...

Yuck.

 
At 12:22 PM, Blogger Raincouver said...

I don't think I could ever had that sort of "commitment"... but maybe some sort of chili would have worked best.

 
At 2:23 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

my ex angered me badly...so i swished her toothbrush in a bowl that had both 1 and 2. it even got a chunk on it that i had to shake off.

 
At 10:18 PM, Blogger Washington Cube said...

I love Miguel, even if he is only your alter ego.

 
At 8:44 PM, Blogger C'est la vie!! said...

That is the grossest thing I have ever heard.....eEEEEeeeWWWWwwwww.. that really takes a lot of effort to do

 
At 9:06 PM, Blogger Debby said...

and here i thought i had anger issues - LMFAO

 
At 9:42 PM, Anonymous restaurant gal said...

This is the image you leave us with as you go on vacation?????

But, as long as we are on a "THAT IS DISGUSTING" topic, who knows what lurks in the hotel swimming pool and hot tub....

--The Gal

 

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