El Guapo in DC

I am El Guapo. The most Guapo man in all of DC. Mucho Amor

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Passion and a Decision

As a Latino male I feel that I have cheated you all by not talking about something which is near and dear to my heart. For this, I am sorry.

It is something that that has the ability to make all of life’s worries disappear from your mind if only for 90 minutos a day. But mis amigos, it is the greatest 90 minutes split into 45 minute halves that exist.

Quizá some of you are wondering what it is that I am rambling about, but I know that most of you know exactly what it is that makes me feel this way: The World Cup.

The World Cup is a soccer tournament that seems to forget about the country of Guatemala, but I forgive them for this. The Guatemalan people are perfect in many ways, but for some reason our ability to score on the field has yet to be perfected. I do predict that that mi country will one day make it to the world’s greatest stage. But, it may take some time. A long time… I wish to not discuss the topic of Guatemalan soccer. Please, do not bring it up because it brings tears to my eyes.

Watching soccer is something that is special to Latinos. We watch men whom we idolize run up and down the field while secretly wishing that we could be them if only for a second. This dream is a dream that is born the moment that a soccer ball touches our feet. A dream that begins while watching our fathers, uncles and brothers yell at the television and radio with passion and fury. The sport of soccer is something that flows through our veins sometimes so strong that it wouldn’t surprise me if our blood is black and white like the ball we dream to dominate.

There is a game this Friday, however, that makes me confused. It is the match of Germany against Argentina. Now, I usually cheer for Latin American teams. I find something in common with them and wish for them to win. But we’re talking about Argentina. Argentina. How can I cheer for Argentina? It would go against everything that I believe to cheer for a team that plays so dirty that I believe water cries when forced to bathe them (if they even do bathe).

But Germany? Germany? I have nothing in common with any of players on the German team. I am Guatemalan, beautiful, sensual, perfect. They are, well, they are German. Blonde and normal. German. Just German. How can I cheer for them?

I made it my duty as a Guatemalan to find reasons to cheer for Germany so that I didn’t, for one second, cheer for anything Argentinean.

What is it that the Germans do or did that should give me a reason to root for them?

Well, did you know that Levi Strauss, the inventor of blue jeans, was German? Si. Does this give me reason to cheer for Germany? No. While I appreciate the idea of Levi’s, I am Guatemalan and only wear Tommy Hilfiger jeans. Was he German? No. Next.

Karl Benz invented a car with an internal combustion engine. Does this make me want to cheer for Germany? Cheer for Germany because some hombre invented a coche that I can only dream of owning? No. Next.

Elevators. Yes. Invented by Werner von Siemens. I like elevators. They take me up and down when I don’t feel like taking the stairs. That’s good, right? No! I didn’t know it until moments ago, but it is because of a German that we are lazy. Bastardo Siemens made it easier for people to cheat the impulse to exercise. Mierda! Why is this so hard?

Flourescent Lights- German Inventor
Diesel Engine-German

Aspirin, Ave Maria encantada purrisima! A German invented Aspirin? I can’t cheer for them because of that. Frankly, I’m a little disappointed by the German people for failing to invent one thing, uno pedazo de mierda, that would make me want to cheer for them. Damn you Germany!

So, here I am, left in what the Caucasians call a “conundrum.” I’ll be damned if I ever cheer for Argentina, but I have no reason to cheer for Germany. Their food is too fattening, their wine is too sweet (I made it into a wine bar recently…) and their women wear too much eye makeup.

Whatever. I’ll wait for the Saturday matches. This is too hard. Maldito Germany…

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo


At 2:46 AM, Blogger babyteks said...

I have one. Maybe.

Guess where these 90 minutes ecstasy sessions are taking place?


Which means, without the Germans, you wouldn't enjoy these 45 minutes halves! That's a good reason, right? Plus, what else is German?

Heidi Klum and Gisele Bundchen. They are quite nice even by Guatemalan standards, no?

And beer? OktoberFest?

I myself will be supporting Germany I think, as I'm currently studying here.

In any case, enjoy your 90 minute fun time. I know I most definitely will! I love the WM!

FRANKREICH WELTMEISTER (oh right, I'm French... and Jamaican too, but we didn't make the WorldCup and lke you, I wish not to speak of this.)

At 7:51 AM, Blogger KFarmer said...

This may have all changed since I lived in Germany but while there I learned this: German's make excellent chocolate, especially the cherries and brandy- yum, they can grow the most incredible flowers in three inches of dirt and brew tasty beer. I hope this helps so you can cheer for Germany with more gusto.

At 8:36 AM, Blogger Tricia said...

How about you cheer for Germany because they aren't Argentina?

and btw? C'mon Oktoberfest!

At 8:38 AM, Blogger Guy said...

There are some other German people who did a lot of good for the world - Johann Gutenberg (the inventer of the printing press), Albert Einstein, The Brothers Grimm, Martin Luther, and a whole lot more.

Another thing is that you can hope for a boring game (0-0 until the penalty kicks), so that both teams play a boring and disappointing game, and at the end Germany would win with a single goal. This way you hope for Argentina to lose, but not cheering for Germany.

At 10:35 AM, Anonymous Matt said...

Do Guatemalans drink Jagermeister? That could be a good reason right there. Plus contact lenses and motocycles were invented by Germans.

Maybe the best reason for you would be that it was Germany that stopped Argentina from gaining a second consecutive World Cup title in 1990.

At 10:36 AM, Blogger rwhgeek said...

The solution is simple my friend. You cheer for the referee. The ideal situation would be for Argentina to advance but have four or more players sitting on the bench (judging from previous games this could happen) for the next round. They are then crushed. The humilation the Argies would feel at not making it into the final round would cause such grief in the country it would be a joyous thing for you to watch. To come so close and fall short is more painful than to never have a chance.

You should come to a DC United soccer game and hang with Barra Brava. Free beer & true fanaticos what more could you want? www.barra-brava.com

At 11:18 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

gisele may have a german last name, but she is brazilian born and bred. and so, i believe you should just root for brasil because, in any case, they will beat argentina or any other team they may meet along the way. AUVIVERDE!

At 11:55 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think I've solved your problem. Stay with me.

* Cerveza Gallo is the best Guatemalan beer.

* The best Guatemalan beer must be the best beer in the world.

* Cerveza Gallo is a lager style beer.

* Lager beers originated in Germany.


* Germany played a role in creating the best beer in Guatemala, which is also the best beer in the world.

So, Viva Alemania, no?

At 12:15 PM, Blogger The Blonde Menace said...

Cheer for Germany simply b/c they aren't Argentina. That's what I plan on doing anyways. I definitely share your hatred of all things Argentinian, stupid pretentious bastards. I used to live in Bolivia... We made it to the Cup a few times, back in the day...

At 1:26 PM, Blogger Roxy said...

beer, sausage, chocolate - and a great tapas bar in Cologne -

these are my reasons...

At 2:28 PM, Blogger El Guapo in DC said...

Lager originated in Germany.... I have to think about this. I do like the cheering for the refs. I can't wait for the Argentinean players to cry to their madres when another player touches them.

At 4:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Cheering for the refs, excellent idea.
They're bound to cause trouble in this game. Maybe a new record of yellow and red cards...Now just cheer and hope they're all on Argentina.

it's bound to happen.

Look at the dutch/portugal game.

Hope for a russian ref?

At 5:46 PM, Blogger Rev. Smokin Steve said...

Beer should be enough to cheer for Germany.

Don't worry El Guapo. Diego Maradona is no longer on the team. At least he can't score another Hand of God goal.

At 7:09 PM, Blogger C'est la vie!! said...

This is why Mexico should had won (instead of argentina)... I am still sad about that

At 12:39 AM, Blogger pretty in punk said...

Germany and Guatemala both start with "g", as does Guapo, which you are. Also, on that day, all Germans hate Argentina as much as you do (well maybe not AS MUCH, but still a lot) and want to nothing more than to see them eradicated. The enemy of your enemy is your friend, El Guapo.

At 2:06 AM, Anonymous El Rosa, Malaisia said...

El Guapo > u r one hell of a Guatamalan....hot, sensual, beautiful & perfecto...
Long live Guatamala !

At 2:48 AM, Blogger sara said...

What about Brazil, El Guapo? Do you support the Samba team?

At 10:22 AM, Blogger El Guapo in DC said...

Brasil is my team for this World Cup. I just don't understand why it is that the Brasilian players don't get their teeth fixed. Don't get me wrong, I love them, but those dientes...

At 11:43 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

couldn't agree more...their teeth put me off watching. you rock el guapo.

At 12:45 PM, Blogger Raincouver said...

Oh my god... that Ronaldinho looks like he was hit with the ugly stick one too many times! But he's a good player, no doubt.

Germany 1 Argentina 1

2. AYALA Roberto (49')
11. KLOSE Miroslav (80')

It ain't over yet!

At 3:10 PM, Blogger babyteks said...



Now I know, Brasil's your team, but tomorrow, my country plays against Brasil, and I'm really hoping for a Frnce - Germany final, sooooo


(also long live Guatemala, just because)

At 2:17 PM, Blogger java bean rush said...

"I am Guatemalan, beautiful, sensual, perfect." -- El Guapo

"Blonde and normal" -- El Guapo

I will not pick on you for thinking blonde is normal.

I will not berate you for suggesting that anything other than blonde is abnormal.

It's just that you are Guatemalan. I'm surprised you would say this.

I like your writing anyway.


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