El Guapo in DC

I am El Guapo. The most Guapo man in all of DC. Mucho Amor

Monday, June 26, 2006

Texas beaches

The beach in Texas is an interesting place.

I saw a gringo with dreadlocks with the word “NAZI” tattooed on his chest. You may think that the tattoo threw me off, but it was, in fact, the dreadlocks that threw me off. A rasta white boy so pale that the sun was squinting with dreadlocks? No, not going to speak to him.

Texas was full of tattooed gringos. I saw several prancing around with Chinese tattoos. Si, you read me correctly. White people with Chinese character tattoos. No, I didn’t speak with them. Porque? Well, I make it a rule to avoid white men bearing Chinese tattoos. It’s a very simple rule, but think about the people you know who have these. Wouldn’t it have been better to have never spoken with them? You see?

Then I saw the sun-beaten, mullet having, skin begging-for-a lift-men wearing the leopard skin speedo. Leopard skin. Are there any women out there who have a strange attraction to any kind of leopard, zebra, tiger, cheetah print anything? Por favor, let me know. In my years I’ve come to realize that the men who sport this style seem to repel women, but for some odd reason I see them in hordes at the playa. Why is this? Was there a memo that I missed? I would like to know if there is a secret society of animal print loving women. Many of these men also had Chihuahuas. No comment here...

Then I saw a kid, who was actually Latino (BUT NOT GUATEMALAN) running around with a jelly fish on a stick. He was running after his sisters/cousins/friends with his arm outstretched, and his right hand holding a long stick with a purplish jellyfish dangling about. The girls shrieked in terror in fear of being stung, but my only thought was, “Oh great, the Latino kid is running around with a jellyfish. I’m too close to Mexico. I'm going to be blamed.”

I thought that I could feel people staring at me, but they weren’t. I'm in Texas. I'm not a rarity here and it seems these people know that being a moron isn't a racial trait.

They were actually laughing at the kid. While he was running, the wind had blown the tentacles (is this what they’re called?) and got him on his arm. It was he who was doing the shrieking to the amusement of his brothers/cousins/uncles/father.

I was too far away to hear what was going on, but I did see the kid shake his head “no” in a violent manner. Then, about 5 grown men held him down. I’ve seen a lot, but I’ve never seen a scene like this. All of a sudden the men crowd around one man while a stream of urine began to splatter on the child’s arm. Every single person on the beach was laughing, but I couldn’t help but feel sorry for the muchacho. His arm may have stopped hurting, but he still got peed on. He’ll be reminded of this at ever single family gathering for the rest of his life: “Oh, you’re Susana’s boy? Yes, I heard Jorge peed on you at the beach.” “Papi, did uncle Jorge pee on you?” "Yeah, maybe you scored that goal on me, but no one has ever peed on me." "So what if you got all A's. You still got peed on." It will be a never-ending cycle. Pobrecito.

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo

19 Comments:

At 12:07 AM, Anonymous Lisa said...

Leopard skin?! That is not sexy at all!! I'm glad you enjoyed Texas. I went to San Antonio for spring break this past year and loved it.

 
At 9:18 AM, Anonymous pagalina said...

It is not the leopard skin that is the problem it is the banana hammock that is the problem. ewww. no speedos, por favor!

 
At 9:53 AM, Anonymous Sweet said...

Getting peed on in public no less! Poor fella, at least he wasn't wearing the leopard print as well.

 
At 10:00 AM, Blogger Woozie said...

Yes El Guapo...some women love Leopard skin print. Not me, not like them anyway.

I like men in tight "recreational pantz" (as noted by the great El Luchador, Nacho); but not if they can't carry it off. I mean they have to look good in them and have a muscular body and carry a big "gun".

I guess you know they peed on the boy to stop the burning of the jelly fish...but they could have used "Accent" which is a meat tenderizer. I am told it works.

Where in Texas did you go? It has a very big coast line and I would like to know.

Living and Coming to you from Texas
SussieQ

 
At 10:37 AM, Blogger El Guapo in DC said...

I don't think people bring meat tenderizer to the beach. I mean, I do, but wasn't aware it could help.

We were over by Corpus. I forget the name... Las Azarenas??? Also Padre.

 
At 10:45 AM, Blogger WickedlySharp said...

I heard a story on the radio this morning that made me thing of your blog, El Guapo.

Did you hear about the three Argentinians who got cheap seats at the World Cup by showing up in wheelchairs? They got busted when one of them LEAPT OUT OF THE CHAIR.

Morons.

 
At 11:18 AM, Blogger Big Pissy said...

This incident is just like that episode of 'Friends'.....

...except they were all white people

...and actors

never mind.

 
At 11:57 AM, Blogger jali said...

Nazi wearing dread...
Leopard speedo...
Pee on boy...


Good times.

 
At 12:05 PM, Blogger jaymichaelrivera said...

Oh, the homeopathic cures of my people. We Mexicans love our curanderas, our magic potions.

I had a rash on my arm when I was a kid and my abuela crushed a pill bug and put it on my arm. I got an ear infection once and my drunk uncle made a cone out of a newspaper, lit it and 'SMOKED' out the wax, or so he thought. I'm not sure it worked but it was a terrifying yet fun diversion having a large, burning object next to my head.

We (though NOT me) also eat grasshoppers covered in hot sauce (a regional dish from Oaxaca known as champulines), so I guess on the relative scale, a little pee pee at the beach is pretty mild.

 
At 12:07 PM, Blogger The Eternal Freshman said...

Sounds like a great time. You should write the Texas bureau of tourism, asking them to include these vignettes in their next brochure and commercial. "Come to Texas, home of the yellow rose and golden showers!"

 
At 1:07 PM, Blogger Raincouver said...

Don't kid yourself Guapo. That kid will remain obnoxious until the end of his days. He'll probably become a very successful businessman, with a leopard-print textile factory.

You must've been in Galveston, by the way. Hope you get to the NASA Space Center.

 
At 2:47 PM, Blogger angie said...

haha! i could totally picture the events of this obnoxious child and his antics . . . serves him right the little sh*t.

port arkansas, corpus christi or south padre? big difference between these places . . .

 
At 3:20 PM, Blogger Rev. Smokin Steve said...

You're right El Guapo.

For the rest of his life, he will be "piss boy".

And there is nothing he can do about it.

 
At 4:58 PM, Anonymous Divine Calm said...

poor guy

 
At 7:55 PM, Blogger C'est la vie!! said...

Funny...reminded of an instance when a couple of my friends got into a fight and one ended up with a cut on his chin...a guy kept telling him let me pee on u so it won't get infected. Haci es la RAZA!!

 
At 2:44 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey El Guapo, do you know these guys?
http://www.nydailynews.com/news/crime_file/story/430220p-362706c.html

 
At 3:55 AM, Anonymous Amelia said...

Ay Guapo! Where would we be without your reporting skills! This is right up there with the time my friend smeared baby poop on her little sister's wart because her mother's comadre told her it would work....She swears that it worked. Me - I'll stick to Duct Tape.

 
At 10:01 AM, Blogger la guera loca said...

Mexicans are always trying to put smoke in my ears too. I'm not sure what it does, but usually it just smells funky.

They also want to douse me in Mazola every time I burn myself heating up tortillas, put lime on every cut and rub quarters on my hickies. Weirdos.

 
At 7:50 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

For more making fun of white people with Chinese tats, see http://www.hanzismatter.com
:)

 

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