Texas beaches

The beach in Texas is an interesting place.

I saw a gringo with dreadlocks with the word “NAZI” tattooed on his chest. You may think that the tattoo threw me off, but it was, in fact, the dreadlocks that threw me off. A rasta white boy so pale that the sun was squinting with dreadlocks? No, not going to speak to him.

Texas was full of tattooed gringos. I saw several prancing around with Chinese tattoos. Si, you read me correctly. White people with Chinese character tattoos. No, I didn’t speak with them. Porque? Well, I make it a rule to avoid white men bearing Chinese tattoos. It’s a very simple rule, but think about the people you know who have these. Wouldn’t it have been better to have never spoken with them? You see?

Then I saw the sun-beaten, mullet having, skin begging-for-a lift-men wearing the leopard skin speedo. Leopard skin. Are there any women out there who have a strange attraction to any kind of leopard, zebra, tiger, cheetah print anything? Por favor, let me know. In my years I’ve come to realize that the men who sport this style seem to repel women, but for some odd reason I see them in hordes at the playa. Why is this? Was there a memo that I missed? I would like to know if there is a secret society of animal print loving women. Many of these men also had Chihuahuas. No comment here...

Then I saw a kid, who was actually Latino (BUT NOT GUATEMALAN) running around with a jelly fish on a stick. He was running after his sisters/cousins/friends with his arm outstretched, and his right hand holding a long stick with a purplish jellyfish dangling about. The girls shrieked in terror in fear of being stung, but my only thought was, “Oh great, the Latino kid is running around with a jellyfish. I’m too close to Mexico. I'm going to be blamed.”

I thought that I could feel people staring at me, but they weren’t. I'm in Texas. I'm not a rarity here and it seems these people know that being a moron isn't a racial trait.

They were actually laughing at the kid. While he was running, the wind had blown the tentacles (is this what they’re called?) and got him on his arm. It was he who was doing the shrieking to the amusement of his brothers/cousins/uncles/father.

I was too far away to hear what was going on, but I did see the kid shake his head “no” in a violent manner. Then, about 5 grown men held him down. I’ve seen a lot, but I’ve never seen a scene like this. All of a sudden the men crowd around one man while a stream of urine began to splatter on the child’s arm. Every single person on the beach was laughing, but I couldn’t help but feel sorry for the muchacho. His arm may have stopped hurting, but he still got peed on. He’ll be reminded of this at ever single family gathering for the rest of his life: “Oh, you’re Susana’s boy? Yes, I heard Jorge peed on you at the beach.” “Papi, did uncle Jorge pee on you?” "Yeah, maybe you scored that goal on me, but no one has ever peed on me." "So what if you got all A's. You still got peed on." It will be a never-ending cycle. Pobrecito.

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo