El Guapo in DC

I am El Guapo. The most Guapo man in all of DC. Mucho Amor

Saturday, July 15, 2006

Oh Canada

Have you ever woken up and realized that you were in a different country, lying on the floor, with Miguel feeding a goat in the corner of the room? Si? Well, this is the way I felt the first (and only) time I ended up in the country of Canada.

When one wakes up with his best friend feeding a goat in the corner, it’s… Well, how do I put this? It’s startling? Alarming? Freaky? Maybe I should just say that anytime you wake up to a farm animal and a headache, it’s been one of those nights.

Miguel had somehow gotten hooked up with these Peruvian guys who were going to give him a good deal on, chips, yes, supposedly the best chips ever. Now, back then, I enjoyed eating my chips, but Miguel was on the never-ending search for the BEST chips out there.

We met these Peruvians in a trendy part of DC where we normally didn’t venture. Not back then. Anyway, turns out their chips were indeed very good. VERY good chips. After that, it was kind of a haze. I remember a boat. I remember a life jacket. I remember a truck. A truck with a lifejacket. I think there was a very small plane involved? Again, these chips were so good that this may have all been in my head, but anyway, I awoke with Miguel feeding a goat.

Is that a goat?

“I think it’s a lamb.”

Oh. Why are you feeding it?

“It looked hungry. If a lamb looks hungry, you feed it El Guapo. Are you in one of your questioning moods again?”

Where are we?

“Ay, yes, he’s in one of his questioning moods again. We’re in Canada.”


“Calm down huey, you need to live a little and get out of DC.”

Miguel, we’re in Canada. Canada?

“Si, El Guapo. Canada. Heard of it? The state of Canada? It’s like the second largest state in the United States. I thought you were supposed to be the smart one.”

Times like this with mi amigo have always left me speechless. He hadn’t looked up at me since I had woken up. He just kept speaking to me in his condescending voice while feeding the goat, errr lamb, the hungry lamb. Incidentally, why is there a lamb indoors? Then I realize my surroundings and we seem to be in converted shed of some kind. The walls were definitely metal, but there was a futon. A zebra striped futon. And a lamb.

After staring, once again, at the ridiculousness of my friend feeding a lamb, I noticed that there was a larger bulge than normal in my pants. I reach down and find an envelope full of $20 bills. But wait, who the hell is this beady eyed woman? Do Canadians have pictures of Virginians on their bills?

Miguel, I have an envelope full of Canadian money. Why do I have an envelope full of Canadian money?

He looked up, pushed the lamb aside and snatched the envelope from my hands.

“El Guapo! There is $1000 in here! That’s like $5000 in US money!”

I don’t know why I believed my friend’s knowledge of the foreign exchange market, but suddenly I was excited.

Let’s go home. For some odd reason, I don’t think they have pupusas in Canada.

There is more to this story, much more (unfortunately) about our “adventure” in Canada. Perhaps I will write about it this week, but while at the airport, we met our first Canadian. Incidentally, she has started a blog: Blog. We only met once, at an airport, but we have remained in contact over the years. She's good people. Not Guatemalan, but still, good people.

Por favor be nice to her. She is Canadian and has money with beady-eyed women.

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo


At 6:56 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

so how did you end up in canada again? you and your crazy adventures el guapo...

At 11:37 AM, Blogger J-G said...

EG, read the ingredients list! Peru? Ay caramba. And when WAS this? It's like trying to follow the timeline in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless non-Guatemalans.
Y se escribe buey (and sounds like "way"). Non-Spanglish speakers may think Miguel called you a helicopter or something.

I wonder how THIS tale is gonna turn out? Inquiring Guapistas want to know...

At 12:22 PM, Blogger Little Miss Anthropic said...

I'm honoured to be the first Canadian that you met. And, you were definitely the first El Guapo that I have had the pleasure of meeting...to me, you are the only El Guapo...Miguel is cute....but, really, it's all about you.

At 3:24 PM, Blogger Roonie said...

Chips? CHIPS?

At 4:49 PM, Blogger El Guapo in DC said...

Jess, correcting my Espanol. That's why I like you. I think that the spelling of the word "buey" has changed in the wonderful world of street slang. I spell it "huey" because most people visiting my site are English speaking. Oh, by the way, it means dude. Buey, or huey, (however you wish to spell it) actually is a word to describe a castrated bull... When I use it, I'm saying dude, unless I'm on a farm, pointing to a bull, a castrated one...

At 2:11 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I still can't believe you didn't realize that the italian soccer team was full of gross argentinos like Camoranesi.

For shame!!

At 8:44 AM, Blogger Debby said...

beady eyed women on money - "do they have Virginians on their money?" just priceless hon, priceless - can't wait to hear the rest of THIS story!!

At 10:02 AM, Blogger Loudlush said...

First visit and I'm hooked. Chips. The root of all evil. The rest of the story is coming when??

At 10:04 AM, Blogger Woozie said...

I use to do chips -- a lot...still can smell the fragrance of chips crisply "frying" away. So wish I could still do chips....

Coming to you from Texas

At 10:13 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

riiiight.. chips.. if that's what you want to call it..

At 10:31 AM, Blogger la guera loca said...

I thought it was "guey". Maybe that's just in Mexican.

At 11:49 AM, Blogger Rev. Smokin Steve said...

I love Canada!

At 1:10 PM, Blogger Raincouver said...

When you come to vancouver, we will try the pupusas at El Cocal. First one is one is on me: I will pay with my beady eyed money.

God Save the Queen.

At 6:45 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

El Guapo seems to know lots of Canadians!

At 7:12 PM, Blogger Washington Cube said...

They may not have a pupusa van double parked in Canada, but they sure have poutine.

El G? Do not ask. You will become very disturbed. God Save La Reina.

At 8:19 PM, Blogger C'est la vie!! said...

I always say WUEY....huey, buey, guey...tomatoe/tomato...it's all the same...

At 1:06 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, goodness. This was my first visit to your blog, and I laughed far too hard. I live quite close to Canada but have only been there once. I was frightened by the milk being in bags.

I think I may have to get a blogger account to keep up with your crazy adventures. I have to say, it kind of makes me feel like my three years of high school Espanol weren't entirely wasted, although my Puerto Rican teacher was much more interested in talking about what she was cooking for dinner that night than actually teaching. Oh, public schools, how you amuse me.

At 9:56 PM, Anonymous Jackelyn said...

The milk isn't always in bags. That creeps me out too, and I'm Canadian.
Poutine is disgusting. No one should eat it.
Come to BC next time.. we don't have many sheep in strange buildings with futons.... though I'm interested to find out just how you ended up there.

At 10:54 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...



What the hell was in those chips, hombre?


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