Oh Canada

Have you ever woken up and realized that you were in a different country, lying on the floor, with Miguel feeding a goat in the corner of the room? Si? Well, this is the way I felt the first (and only) time I ended up in the country of Canada.

When one wakes up with his best friend feeding a goat in the corner, it’s… Well, how do I put this? It’s startling? Alarming? Freaky? Maybe I should just say that anytime you wake up to a farm animal and a headache, it’s been one of those nights.

Miguel had somehow gotten hooked up with these Peruvian guys who were going to give him a good deal on, chips, yes, supposedly the best chips ever. Now, back then, I enjoyed eating my chips, but Miguel was on the never-ending search for the BEST chips out there.

We met these Peruvians in a trendy part of DC where we normally didn’t venture. Not back then. Anyway, turns out their chips were indeed very good. VERY good chips. After that, it was kind of a haze. I remember a boat. I remember a life jacket. I remember a truck. A truck with a lifejacket. I think there was a very small plane involved? Again, these chips were so good that this may have all been in my head, but anyway, I awoke with Miguel feeding a goat.

Is that a goat?

“I think it’s a lamb.”

Oh. Why are you feeding it?

“It looked hungry. If a lamb looks hungry, you feed it El Guapo. Are you in one of your questioning moods again?”

Where are we?

“Ay, yes, he’s in one of his questioning moods again. We’re in Canada.”

“WHAT???”

“Calm down huey, you need to live a little and get out of DC.”

Miguel, we’re in Canada. Canada?

“Si, El Guapo. Canada. Heard of it? The state of Canada? It’s like the second largest state in the United States. I thought you were supposed to be the smart one.”

Times like this with mi amigo have always left me speechless. He hadn’t looked up at me since I had woken up. He just kept speaking to me in his condescending voice while feeding the goat, errr lamb, the hungry lamb. Incidentally, why is there a lamb indoors? Then I realize my surroundings and we seem to be in converted shed of some kind. The walls were definitely metal, but there was a futon. A zebra striped futon. And a lamb.

After staring, once again, at the ridiculousness of my friend feeding a lamb, I noticed that there was a larger bulge than normal in my pants. I reach down and find an envelope full of $20 bills. But wait, who the hell is this beady eyed woman? Do Canadians have pictures of Virginians on their bills?

Miguel, I have an envelope full of Canadian money. Why do I have an envelope full of Canadian money?

He looked up, pushed the lamb aside and snatched the envelope from my hands.

“El Guapo! There is $1000 in here! That’s like $5000 in US money!”

I don’t know why I believed my friend’s knowledge of the foreign exchange market, but suddenly I was excited.

Let’s go home. For some odd reason, I don’t think they have pupusas in Canada.

There is more to this story, much more (unfortunately) about our “adventure” in Canada. Perhaps I will write about it this week, but while at the airport, we met our first Canadian. Incidentally, she has started a blog: Blog. We only met once, at an airport, but we have remained in contact over the years. She's good people. Not Guatemalan, but still, good people.

Por favor be nice to her. She is Canadian and has money with beady-eyed women.

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo