El Guapo in DC

I am El Guapo. The most Guapo man in all of DC. Mucho Amor

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Left Behind

Throw me that blanket. It’s cold in here.

I’m making a visit to Miguel’s house. I saw a red blanket that was just out of my reach and asked my amigo for some help.

“That’s not a blanket?”

He barely looked up from the television, but I sensed a little bit of annoyance in his voice.

Miguel, come on. I’m cold. Give me the blanket.

“It’s not a blanket. It’s a sweater.”

I annoyingly got up to grab the red blanket that was soon make the cold go away when I realized that mi amigo was right. It was, indeed, a sweater. A red one. With a hoodie. I held it open and realized that it made up two of me.

Say Miguel, this is quite a sweater. A hoodie? Very cute. Why haven’t I ever seen you wearing this before?

“El Guapo, not now. Soccer is on. I had a special guest visit me last night. She left me a souvenir.”

Ah yes, I was familiar with the overnight guest souvenirs. For reason women of the world tend to “forget” items over at our houses when making a special guest visit. This is a phenomenon that continues to amaze me to this day. Earrings, hair clips, hair bands, sweaters, jackets, toys (don’t ask), bracelets, anklets, and sandals. Women, for some reason need to leave items behind.

The most difficult part, for me, in my newfound single life, has been to remember this strange phenomenon when I have special visitors. Why do you women leave behind items? Are you trying to mark your territory? Is it really so hard to sleep with your earrings on? Can’t you put the hair bands around your wrists? If it was cold when you got here, do you not need that hooded sweatshirt when you leave?

I have lost exactly one item of clothing in my teen years: a braided belt. I loved that belt. It had a buckle made of silver (probably fake) with an eagle holding onto some kind of green branch. I loved that belt. But did you see me go back to get the belt? Did you see me call to get the belt? Did you see me go up to one of her friends in an attempt to get the belt? No. I let it go. It was a great belt, but now, well now it was her belt.

Women, I’ve learned, are unable to do this. I say this because almost every time I’ve had something left behind they come calling wanting to get it back. I don’t understand. If they are your favorite earrings, why, why in the name of all that is holy would you leave them behind? Why would you take them off?

And God forbid your girlfriend finds a remnant of a visitor past… I have never cheated on a woman in my life. It’s not my thing. But because of these past special visitors, I have been accused of being a “whore,” “cheating bastard,” and a “typical Latin dickhead.” Earrings… Why must you take them off?

The phone rings. Miguel ignores it.

Who was that?

He looks and nods at the red sweater.

She wants it back?

“Si, but it is mine now.”

He grabs the sweater from my hands and puts in over his shoulders to protect himself from the cold. I look at his exposed left wrist and notice he is also wearing a yellow hair band…

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo


At 1:22 AM, Blogger Namaste said...

it's ok. you can keep the earrings. :)

At 8:38 AM, Anonymous red said...

I don't do it on purpose, but I have left stuff at the house of a guy I really liked. I wondered if it was some kind of subconcoius thing - "if I leave my ______ then I'll have a reason to go back there." In my case, it's completely not on purpose. (I'd also be in danger of losing my head were it not screwed on.) Maybe the girls just like you. After all, tu eres tan guapo!

At 10:03 AM, Blogger ADW said...

I wouldn't worry about it, as long as they are not leaving with something of yours....
Favorite sweatshit
a baby in their belly and a lifetime of cild support

See it could be worse

At 12:46 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Haha. That's kind of the opposite of me. If I leave something behind, I refuse to call to get it back. If they call me, then maybe I will discreetly ask if they have seen it. I think some girls call and ask for their lost belonging as an excuse to call.

At 3:53 PM, Blogger A Margarita said...

For me, it's a subconcious way of marking my territory. A way of letting other women know, "You see this sweater and this lotion? I was here before you. Now back off." For the most part, I don't care if I get it back, but one time I left my keys, and I hounded him until I got them back.

At 10:59 PM, Blogger Namaste said...

see? told you.

At 12:17 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Some kinds of earrings are really uncomfortable to sleep (and do other things) with on.

At 2:49 PM, Blogger Helen Skor said...

I never left anything behind in my younger, friskier years. I always did the mental checklist to make sure I had everything. Nowadays, I just don't sleep with random guys so I don't have to worry about this. If I leave my toothbrush, earrings, or whatever it is behind, it's because I have no reason to think that I won't be back for it.

At 8:54 PM, Blogger Fabulously Broke in the City said...

I too.. have never left anything behind, unless it's a boyfriend's place and I would be back.

I treasure my earrings and panties too much... :P

At 8:15 PM, Blogger Crankster said...

God, I hope nobody leaves a tampon.


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