Throw me that blanket. It’s cold in here.
I’m making a visit to Miguel’s house. I saw a red blanket that was just out of my reach and asked my amigo for some help.
“That’s not a blanket?”
He barely looked up from the television, but I sensed a little bit of annoyance in his voice.
Miguel, come on. I’m cold. Give me the blanket.
“It’s not a blanket. It’s a sweater.”
I annoyingly got up to grab the red blanket that was soon make the cold go away when I realized that mi amigo was right. It was, indeed, a sweater. A red one. With a hoodie. I held it open and realized that it made up two of me.
Say Miguel, this is quite a sweater. A hoodie? Very cute. Why haven’t I ever seen you wearing this before?
“El Guapo, not now. Soccer is on. I had a special guest visit me last night. She left me a souvenir.”
Ah yes, I was familiar with the overnight guest souvenirs. For reason women of the world tend to “forget” items over at our houses when making a special guest visit. This is a phenomenon that continues to amaze me to this day. Earrings, hair clips, hair bands, sweaters, jackets, toys (don’t ask), bracelets, anklets, and sandals. Women, for some reason need to leave items behind.
The most difficult part, for me, in my newfound single life, has been to remember this strange phenomenon when I have special visitors. Why do you women leave behind items? Are you trying to mark your territory? Is it really so hard to sleep with your earrings on? Can’t you put the hair bands around your wrists? If it was cold when you got here, do you not need that hooded sweatshirt when you leave?
I have lost exactly one item of clothing in my teen years: a braided belt. I loved that belt. It had a buckle made of silver (probably fake) with an eagle holding onto some kind of green branch. I loved that belt. But did you see me go back to get the belt? Did you see me call to get the belt? Did you see me go up to one of her friends in an attempt to get the belt? No. I let it go. It was a great belt, but now, well now it was her belt.
Women, I’ve learned, are unable to do this. I say this because almost every time I’ve had something left behind they come calling wanting to get it back. I don’t understand. If they are your favorite earrings, why, why in the name of all that is holy would you leave them behind? Why would you take them off?
And God forbid your girlfriend finds a remnant of a visitor past… I have never cheated on a woman in my life. It’s not my thing. But because of these past special visitors, I have been accused of being a “whore,” “cheating bastard,” and a “typical Latin dickhead.” Earrings… Why must you take them off?
The phone rings. Miguel ignores it.
Who was that?
He looks and nods at the red sweater.
She wants it back?
“Si, but it is mine now.”
He grabs the sweater from my hands and puts in over his shoulders to protect himself from the cold. I look at his exposed left wrist and notice he is also wearing a yellow hair band…