A New Leaf

“Sir, you should know that we also have appointments between 4-7PM for those customers who prefer the later times.”

This week, I did something that I never thought I’d do. Never. This week, I decided to pay for cable television.

“Yes sir, I apologize. We try to schedule appointments knowing that some will take longer than others. Our technician just got backed up today. Are you sure you don’t want to re-schedule for another time?”

As a resident of Washington, DC, it is my inalienable right to steal (borrow) cable television from my neighbors. Unfortunately, my neighbor of choice hasn’t been reliable in his ability to pay his utility bills and I was constantly having to suffer through having his/my cable cut off.

“I am going to give you a $20 credit. Again, please accept my apologies.”

Gol TV. That was the reason I decided to pay. I could have two channels dedicated to soccer if became a legal subscriber. It's hard for me to think of something better on TV.

“Sir, my apologies. I will give you a $20 credit for this tardiness.”

It’s almost 5 PM. You guys were supposed to be here between nine and twelve. You’re going to go bankrupt if you keep giving me $20 credits. I’m trying to pay you money for TV. I was getting it for free before.”

“Sir, you know that it’s illegal to steal cable television?”

What? Really? Well, I’m trying to turn a new leaf in mi vida. I want to pay for a service that keeps me waiting for 8 hours without any end in sight.

“Sir, again, I apologize for that. I see here that we have given you $60 in credits today. Is there anything else that I can do for you?”

I REALLY appreciate your giving me the $60 in credits. But what I really want is to have a slight idea of when to expect your technician.

“Sir, I suggest you reschedule for another day.”

Yes, I appreciate the suggestion, but see where I’m coming from. I’ve been sitting here for the entire day when I could have been doing things like playing craps in the alley, attending cock fights, or, I don’t know, going to work to earn money to pay for the not free cable television that you can’t seem to want to give me. So, I would reschedule, but I’m afraid that it will be another day of not being able to do anything. Can you guarantee that your technician will be here at an exact time?

“No sir.”

So you want me to take off of work again so that you may be able to come?

“Sir, I see that you are signed up for our Sports package. Would you be interested in receiving a free month of our adult oriented package due to this inconvenience?

Are you bribing me with porn?

Very smart Comcast. VERY smart.

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo