A little peek

I shouldn’t have done it. I want you all to know that I felt bad before, during and after I did it. If I went to confession I would have potentially confessed to it. I’m not sure that it’s actually considered a sin, but priests like to hear these types of half-sins.

Dating is interesante. You get exposed to different types of people and sometimes, bueno, sometimes you want to get ahead of the game a little bit. You want to get some information that you aren’t getting while speaking to the person. I don’t call it cheating. I don’t really know what I call it, but I’m guilty of it. I’m guilty of looking through medicine cabinets.

I know. I know. It’s wrong. I feel bad about it. Trust me, I have a Catholic mother. I’m guilty enough.

So, this week, I was on a date. It was a “set up” by una de mis amigas. I was told that I dated too many Latinas, so I was set up with the gringa of all gringas. I believe this one was from Arkansas, the most confusing state to pronounce.

Anyway, I had to use the restroom, so I had a little peek. A little peek never hurt anyone, no? Si! It hurts me!

Porque? Because this is what I saw: Diclac. A box of pills with the words “BACK PAIN” written on the box with a black magic marker. Why the extra reminder for prescription medication? Oh, the girl from Arkansas had prescription pills from Brazil. Brazilian pain pills. Yes. This is my date.

I look through the drawer some more and find Advil, Aspirin and Ibuprofen. But wait, back pain. No big deal right? Right. The Brazilian pills were strange to have, but hey, pills, pain, we all have it sometimes. Next Item.

Tucks. Hemorrhoidal Pads with Witch Hazel. Medicated Pads. Soothes. Cools. Comforts. Safe for septic and sewer systems.

I have no idea what this looks like. I very much wanted to open this so that I could describe them to you, but I could not. Witch hazel? I was on a date with a gringa from Arkansas who had hemorrhoidal pads. Pads that soothe, cool and comfort. This was too much for me. Next item? Si, next item.

Hemorid. Hemorrhoidal creme. With Aloe. You see, for this gringa from Arkansas, the pads that soothe, cool and comfort aren’t enough. You see, aloe is also needed for the hemorrhoids. The soothing, cooling, comforting feeling isn’t enough. Aloe is also needed. I’m on a date with a girl from Arkansas that also needs aloe. Next item? Next item.

Dr. Scholl’s Deodorant Foot Powder. Contains Chlorophyll. Stops foot odor. Use daily for fit feet. Fit feet. My gringa date from Arkansas, with back pain and hemorrhoids also has foot odor. Foot odor. Foot odor. Hemorrhoids. I didn’t even know how to spell hemorrhoids until just moments ago. I didn’t need to know how to spell that word. I didn’t even know how pronounce Arkansas until a couple of days ago and I was very happy. Now, bueno, now I know how to pronounce Arkansas and spell hemorrhoids. It has two r’s. Two of them. Just one r doesn’t bring it home. It has to have two. It just has to.

As for the date, there was no date. Why? I wish I could tell you that it was because I was taken out of the mood, but it wasn’t. It was because the gringa from Arkansas with the soothed, cooling bottom with foot odor felt that I was invading her privacy and asked me to leave.

Now I’m the bad Guatemalan. I tried telling her that the hemorrhoids didn’t matter to me and she got very upset. She had one of those squeaky screams. She could really push though. She was a hard pusher. She pushed me out. Hard. It kind of hurt my back a little bit.

Good thing I kept some of the Brazilian back pain pills for myself. Addict...

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo