El Guapo in DC

I am El Guapo. The most Guapo man in all of DC. Mucho Amor

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

A little peek

I shouldn’t have done it. I want you all to know that I felt bad before, during and after I did it. If I went to confession I would have potentially confessed to it. I’m not sure that it’s actually considered a sin, but priests like to hear these types of half-sins.

Dating is interesante. You get exposed to different types of people and sometimes, bueno, sometimes you want to get ahead of the game a little bit. You want to get some information that you aren’t getting while speaking to the person. I don’t call it cheating. I don’t really know what I call it, but I’m guilty of it. I’m guilty of looking through medicine cabinets.

I know. I know. It’s wrong. I feel bad about it. Trust me, I have a Catholic mother. I’m guilty enough.

So, this week, I was on a date. It was a “set up” by una de mis amigas. I was told that I dated too many Latinas, so I was set up with the gringa of all gringas. I believe this one was from Arkansas, the most confusing state to pronounce.

Anyway, I had to use the restroom, so I had a little peek. A little peek never hurt anyone, no? Si! It hurts me!

Porque? Because this is what I saw: Diclac. A box of pills with the words “BACK PAIN” written on the box with a black magic marker. Why the extra reminder for prescription medication? Oh, the girl from Arkansas had prescription pills from Brazil. Brazilian pain pills. Yes. This is my date.

I look through the drawer some more and find Advil, Aspirin and Ibuprofen. But wait, back pain. No big deal right? Right. The Brazilian pills were strange to have, but hey, pills, pain, we all have it sometimes. Next Item.

Tucks. Hemorrhoidal Pads with Witch Hazel. Medicated Pads. Soothes. Cools. Comforts. Safe for septic and sewer systems.

I have no idea what this looks like. I very much wanted to open this so that I could describe them to you, but I could not. Witch hazel? I was on a date with a gringa from Arkansas who had hemorrhoidal pads. Pads that soothe, cool and comfort. This was too much for me. Next item? Si, next item.

Hemorid. Hemorrhoidal creme. With Aloe. You see, for this gringa from Arkansas, the pads that soothe, cool and comfort aren’t enough. You see, aloe is also needed for the hemorrhoids. The soothing, cooling, comforting feeling isn’t enough. Aloe is also needed. I’m on a date with a girl from Arkansas that also needs aloe. Next item? Next item.

Dr. Scholl’s Deodorant Foot Powder. Contains Chlorophyll. Stops foot odor. Use daily for fit feet. Fit feet. My gringa date from Arkansas, with back pain and hemorrhoids also has foot odor. Foot odor. Foot odor. Hemorrhoids. I didn’t even know how to spell hemorrhoids until just moments ago. I didn’t need to know how to spell that word. I didn’t even know how pronounce Arkansas until a couple of days ago and I was very happy. Now, bueno, now I know how to pronounce Arkansas and spell hemorrhoids. It has two r’s. Two of them. Just one r doesn’t bring it home. It has to have two. It just has to.

As for the date, there was no date. Why? I wish I could tell you that it was because I was taken out of the mood, but it wasn’t. It was because the gringa from Arkansas with the soothed, cooling bottom with foot odor felt that I was invading her privacy and asked me to leave.

Now I’m the bad Guatemalan. I tried telling her that the hemorrhoids didn’t matter to me and she got very upset. She had one of those squeaky screams. She could really push though. She was a hard pusher. She pushed me out. Hard. It kind of hurt my back a little bit.

Good thing I kept some of the Brazilian back pain pills for myself. Addict...

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo


At 10:48 PM, Blogger Rebecca said...

That's... Awesome.

At 1:54 AM, Anonymous mel said...

How did she know you were snooping? Are you trying to behave like an Argentinian by not locking the bathroom door? Snooping is to be expected, you just have to be more careful. Besides, what kind of Ar-kansas redneck is this that she walks in on you while you are supposedly taking a wee?

At 3:41 AM, Blogger Kim Ayres said...

A truly excellent post, El G!

At 4:58 AM, Anonymous Brussel said...

Very very funny post.

At 8:33 AM, Anonymous La said...

As a long time reader, let me be the first to congratulate you on your quote in the Express today (page 32)! They quoted from your last entry - New Leaf (http://elguapodc.blogspot.com/2007/04/new-leaf.html).

It's about time they recognized your brilliance, or at least your tendency to stick it to the man.


At 9:04 AM, Anonymous Bob said...

Dude, that's just....wrong, man. Just wrong.

At 10:00 AM, Blogger UberSchatz said...

On the date from Arkansas:
It's okay dude, you would've been disappointed anyway. I have lived here for more than ten years. Trust me, YOU are NOT missing ANYthing.

On the hemorrhoid stuff:
A lot of times women use these kinds of creams cosmetically. I know, I know. Preparation H, etc. is useful for getting rid of puffy eyes or treating bags under your eyes (same thing). It works wonders in the morning after a late night out. So maybe she didnt have hemorrhoids.

Now, I don't know about the foot powder....

At 12:38 PM, Blogger Namaste said...

yep. still genius.

At 1:02 PM, Blogger A Margarita said...

Haha! You're a riot. Don't feel bad, I totally would have peeked too.

At 6:27 PM, Blogger Helen Skor said...

I think you are perfectly within your rights to snoop in people's medicine cabinets. That's why I have a guest bathroom with nothing in the cabinet but band-aids, neosporin, and advil! You should expect people to look . . . it's human nature. And obviously, this gringa es tan loca en la cabeza. Please don't judge us all by her!

At 9:39 AM, Blogger always write said...

Hemorrhoid cream is an old models' trick to de-puff the eyes after a night of hard partying. Your date is probably hemorrhoid-free... but she might be an alcoholic.

At 10:03 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hemorrhoid CREAM may take away the puffy eyes, but the Tucks medicated wipes? I don't think so. I think she's got something going on down there. Has she had any kids? A lot of women develop hemorrhoids during pregnancy...

At 10:09 AM, Blogger NurseWhoLvdMe said...

You know, taking it up the poopshoot will cause hemorrhoids.

/the wonders of nursing school knowledge...

At 11:32 AM, Blogger ADW said...

Mi nuevo favorito. I am Spanish by nationality (not ethnicity), does El Guapo have anything against the Spaniards?

At 10:21 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

um..I would have done the same thing arkansas did. It would have been so embarrassing for a date to do that.

At 1:07 AM, Anonymous steve said...

are you starting to regret leaving the venezuelan yet?

At 11:58 AM, Blogger avocadoinparadise said...

WOW. This must be why I'm leary of letting guys come to my place. If they're anything like you they'll be super-judgmental!!!

And you must have been noisily rummaging through her bathroom! I would have shoved you out the door too!

At 1:15 PM, Blogger Lee said...

Definitely confessional fodder. The priest would be so grateful.

At 8:45 PM, Blogger emeralda said...

leaving bathroom doors open is ... a nerve wrecking thrill that i admit to like. i don't know why. maybe it helps me pee.

hey, what about connecticut?????????
that's hard!!! or
okay that's a city

NEVER tell a girl something doesn't matter to you. IT"S ALWAYS GOING TO BE AN INSULT.
like 'i don't care that you don't have big breasts'
'that you have more to love!'
'that you snore!'

the 'i don't care' is too unstable
ignorance is better
pretending is better
everything is better

you should be lucky not to have a fork sticking in your tight little guatemalan ass


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