Mi amigo Alberto recently purchased his first house. He has been talking about getting a house of his own since we were 18 years old, so this was a big moment for him. I was very happy that mi amigo had worked so hard and had achieved one of his dreams.
We all have dreams, but it’s interesting to note that very few of them actually come true. I will tell you that his eyes beamed with pride as he showed me around. It is nice to be around someone who has accomplished a dream. It is a good vibe that puts you in a good mood.
“El Guapo, these last several years have been tough. I’ve put every extra penny into the bank and cut corners everywhere I could.”
It was funny that he said this because he was the friend who would drink the grocery brand soda or maybe order water when we went out to dinner. I hadn’t paid much attention to it until he actually pointed it out.
“I actually hate the generic cola. It tastes moths and radish. I can’t wait to start buying actual brands. I’m tired of Terry the Lynx cereal.”
I was proud of mi amigo. Maybe his bad moods could be attributed to drinking something that tasted like a flying nuisance and a root. Mi madre told me that everything that is worthwhile is hard. Alberto has had a hard road and he got to where he needed to be. I left him with the rest of the guests and went to visit the office (bathroom).
I won’t get into the details of my trip to the restroom, but when I went to reach for the toilet paper my heart stopped. What in the name of San Luis Abispo is this? One ply? En serio? He is cutting corners here? One ply? Why? Why would you cut corners here?
Generic toothpaste. Fine. Generic cereal. Fine. Hell, even generic Q-tips is fine. But here? Toilet paper? One ply?
This particular “brand” was so cheap that it didn’t even have the perforations to make a nice, straight tear. Look, I like to have a nice, straight tear. Now, the tear is all over the place. Look at this… I just made a 45 degree tear. What’s the use of that? Now I’ll have to use more.
Is this made of a thin cardboard? Are those pieces of sand? This is not going to be good.
It wasn’t good. It was hell. I understand cutting corners, but this? No. No person should save money like this. When I go to a restaurant, hotel or office and I see this type of toilet paper being used I cry. I cry holy Guatemalan tears. I cry because I realize that whomever bought the paper didn’t respect me, the customer. Why would I want to go somewhere that didn’t respect me?
Now I understood why Alberto was always in a bad mood. In his attempt to cut corners, he crossed line. Toilet paper is something that touches a delicate part of your, well, of your soul. Well, maybe not your soul, but if your behind is unhappy, then your soul is unhappy. So, it could be said that your behind is the gateway to making your soul happy.
Ask any proctologist. If your ass is unhappy, you are unhappy and then your soul is unhappy.
I believe that the makers of cheap toilet paper own stock in Preparation H. It is a conspiracy.
I walked out of the restroom and punched Alberto in the face.
PS: The Preparation H website was a bit too much for me. The company actually took the time to make the site interactive. Yes, you can actually see what anal discomfort looks like by moving your mouse over the pictures. What will the marketing geniuses think of next?