El Guapo in DC

I am El Guapo. The most Guapo man in all of DC. Mucho Amor

Sunday, March 04, 2007

Cutting Corners

Mi amigo Alberto recently purchased his first house. He has been talking about getting a house of his own since we were 18 years old, so this was a big moment for him. I was very happy that mi amigo had worked so hard and had achieved one of his dreams.

We all have dreams, but it’s interesting to note that very few of them actually come true. I will tell you that his eyes beamed with pride as he showed me around. It is nice to be around someone who has accomplished a dream. It is a good vibe that puts you in a good mood.

“El Guapo, these last several years have been tough. I’ve put every extra penny into the bank and cut corners everywhere I could.”

It was funny that he said this because he was the friend who would drink the grocery brand soda or maybe order water when we went out to dinner. I hadn’t paid much attention to it until he actually pointed it out.

“I actually hate the generic cola. It tastes moths and radish. I can’t wait to start buying actual brands. I’m tired of Terry the Lynx cereal.”

I was proud of mi amigo. Maybe his bad moods could be attributed to drinking something that tasted like a flying nuisance and a root. Mi madre told me that everything that is worthwhile is hard. Alberto has had a hard road and he got to where he needed to be. I left him with the rest of the guests and went to visit the office (bathroom).

I won’t get into the details of my trip to the restroom, but when I went to reach for the toilet paper my heart stopped. What in the name of San Luis Abispo is this? One ply? En serio? He is cutting corners here? One ply? Why? Why would you cut corners here?

Generic toothpaste. Fine. Generic cereal. Fine. Hell, even generic Q-tips is fine. But here? Toilet paper? One ply?

This particular “brand” was so cheap that it didn’t even have the perforations to make a nice, straight tear. Look, I like to have a nice, straight tear. Now, the tear is all over the place. Look at this… I just made a 45 degree tear. What’s the use of that? Now I’ll have to use more.

Is this made of a thin cardboard? Are those pieces of sand? This is not going to be good.

It wasn’t good. It was hell. I understand cutting corners, but this? No. No person should save money like this. When I go to a restaurant, hotel or office and I see this type of toilet paper being used I cry. I cry holy Guatemalan tears. I cry because I realize that whomever bought the paper didn’t respect me, the customer. Why would I want to go somewhere that didn’t respect me?

Now I understood why Alberto was always in a bad mood. In his attempt to cut corners, he crossed line. Toilet paper is something that touches a delicate part of your, well, of your soul. Well, maybe not your soul, but if your behind is unhappy, then your soul is unhappy. So, it could be said that your behind is the gateway to making your soul happy.

Ask any proctologist. If your ass is unhappy, you are unhappy and then your soul is unhappy.

I believe that the makers of cheap toilet paper own stock in Preparation H. It is a conspiracy.

I walked out of the restroom and punched Alberto in the face.

Cheap bastard.

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo

PS: The Preparation H website was a bit too much for me. The company actually took the time to make the site interactive. Yes, you can actually see what anal discomfort looks like by moving your mouse over the pictures. What will the marketing geniuses think of next?


At 10:19 PM, Blogger Law-Rah said...

Did you REALLY have to end like that? Of course, I had to click on the link to check out the discomfort for myself. Ew.

At 11:28 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

cheers to a happy ass and a happy soul

At 7:50 AM, Blogger Kim Ayres said...

When I was younger, I was thirsty for knowledge. Now I am older, I am aware that too much knowledge is not always a good thing. I am pleased with myself that I resisted the urge to click on the PreparationH link.

At 9:06 AM, Blogger Kim Ayres said...

OK, you talked me into it. I went and looked.

Actually the funniest bit of the lot has to be the quiz - question 5 is the best:

How can I prevent hemorrhoids?

A) Exercise and eat a diet high in fiber and bulk

B) Elevate your legs whenever you sit

C) Just say "NO"

At 10:50 AM, Anonymous Bob said...

El Guapo, we understand from your recent posts that you are an ass man, but our tolerance of this has its limits. What is next, a link to Schiesse videos?

At 11:19 AM, Blogger El Guapo in DC said...

You're right. No more ass posts for at least another week. I still, however, stand by my reasoning that no one should be cheap with toilet paper. It's just not right.

At 12:08 PM, Blogger Rev. Brandy said...

"Holy Guatemalan tears" . . . oh, El Guapo, it's not right.

One-ply, cheap-ass TP is crossing a penny-pinching line. There are some things in life worth paying the money for. That's one of them. No doubt.

At 3:57 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

i love you! i love guatemalans! you are so funny. lovelovelove

At 5:25 PM, Anonymous angela said...

hahah oh my gosh that's too fun.

making the poor woman on the right dance with my cursor..goodness.

and yes cheap toilet paper is one of the saddest things ever.

At 11:34 PM, Anonymous Melissa said...

Hmm, I have an image of a large-bottomed Tinkerbell with a bad case of hemorroids dancing through my mind....

What was that I mentioned about a fetish???

At 12:59 AM, Blogger valiantqueen said...

I think you did the right thing by punching Alberto in the face--and I DO NOT normally condone violence. Quilted 2-ply Softness: nothing less!

At 5:22 PM, Blogger emeralda said...

i hate to say it but me too i cut corners once with that one. but only once.
it s hell.
the worst, however, is ahm, newspaper paper.
mucho amor
(i always wanted to say that one once lol)

At 5:46 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

yeah toilet paper is one place where "it was on sale" is just no excuse. punching your friend in his moment of glory is wrong, though

At 4:42 PM, Blogger Crankster said...

I think the toilet paper at my work is teflon-coated. let's just say it slides more than it wipes.

Cheap bastards.


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