El Guapo in DC

I am El Guapo. The most Guapo man in all of DC. Mucho Amor

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

An idea

The other day I was writing about how the DC police don’t seem to care about brothels being open for business in Washington DC. Today, I’d like to talk about the drug problem.

Gringos don’t like to call it a problem. Especially since Washington DC citizens have no rights and is “overseen” by white people from all over the United States. The white people like to call our drug problem the “drug issue”. It’s an issue for them.

“Hombre, I have glass stuck to the bottoms of my boots! I keep stepping on the crack vials every time I go to throw my trash in the dumpsters. This is a fucking serious problem!”

“No, my brown colored friend. This is an issue. A real issue that needs to be addressed.”

I’ve always been a “half a pupusa left” kind of guy, so I look at the “issue” of drugs in Washington DC in a positive light. Let’s break it down:

Q: What is the most popular drug in Washington DC?
A: Crack.
Q: What does crack attract?
A: Crack addicts.
Q: What special skill do crack addicts have?
A: They are fast?
Q: What?
A: They are fast. Faster than an Argentine on bath day.

This is true. Crack addicts are the cheetahs of the human race. If you challenge a crack addict to a foot race you will lose. You may be walking down the street, humming a Daddy Yankee song, minding your own business then all of a sudden there is a crack addict next to you asking for money.

“Yo brah. How you doin’ amigo. Hook a brotha’ up over here.”

By the way, this particular crack addict, “Johnny”, is white. He likes to be called a “brotha’” and tilts his hat to the left. He is the fastest white man I have ever seen in my life. I once watched Johnny dart from shadow to shadow in an alley on his way to the dealer down the street. As the clouds changed the trajectory of the sunlight he would dart, skip, jump and dash his way to the darkness of a shadow. I wanted to remind him that it was the middle of the day and everyone could see him, but it was nice to see this ghetto ballet going on behind my house.

I think it would be a good way to raise money for the city to have crack addict races. Seriously. They could be sponsored. They could run up and down 14th street. It could be televised. We could have play-by-play announcers:

“Well Bob, it looks like Laquita has taken the lead by bashing Johnny over the head with what looks to be, yes, I’ve been informed that it indeed is, she bashed Johnny over the head with the hood of a 1994 Geo Metro. Wow, look at that Nubian run.”

Nubian... That is my 37th favorite word. (Juxtapose is #38...)

I have yet to see a Latino crack addict in Washington, DC, but I GUARANTEE that he/she would be the fastest. We’re small and compact and I’m sure we would move like the wind.

I’m not sure what the prize of the race could be, but probably crack. Or a Geo Metro.

Some of you may say that I’m being too hard on the DC police. You’re right. I am being hard on them. I think that they are moving in the right direction by putting up cameras all over DC’s “high risk zones”.

Now, I know this is a move in the right direction, but is that camera supposed to be pointed directly into mi hermana’s bedroom? Every time she comes home all of a sudden 3 police cruisers appear out of nowhere. Why is this?

Anyway, crack races. Sponsored crack races. Nubians. Juxtaposing. Think about it.

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo


At 3:42 AM, Blogger Kim Ayres said...

They have something similar in the town of Olney in England, only it's with pancakes

See: Pancake race.

At 9:11 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

El Guapo I absolutly love your blog!!!You never let political correctness get in the way of some really good tongue & cheek. Are you sure your not Irish

At 12:11 PM, Blogger Namaste said...

you funny.

At 12:35 PM, Blogger savannah said...

give dc the vote..then ya'll can be as routinely desinfranchised as the rest of us even with the vote...but i do have to admit..the crack races could be a great event...you know..when life gives you lemons...make lemonade..or clean your sink with lemon juice and salt..but i digress...

At 12:58 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love the idea of crack addict races.

Hmm, I wonder if we could somehow collect the energy the addicts expend and turn it into a renewable energy resource. Hmm.

I absolutely LOATHE the word "juxtapose". My English teacher used it about once every five seconds this year and there are only so many times I can be asked to "juxtapose the writer's tone and meaning..." before I want go on a violent, bloody rampage.

At 4:20 PM, Anonymous Arjewtino said...

We take at least 3 showers a week.

At 4:45 PM, Blogger K said...

Might i draw your attention to the recent crack inspired mow-down of DC citizens ... she was definitely going faassst.

"Driver Who Hit 40 People While High Worked for Marion Barry." Here is the link: http://www.dcist.com/2007/06/04/driver_who_hit.php .

At 9:32 PM, Blogger Wanderlost in Costa Rica said...

Your crackhead race idea is hilarious and quite enjoy reading your blog. However, the idea isn't new. I'm pretty sure comedian Chris Rock (I only say pretty sure b/c I was certain but wasn't able to find it through google) talked about having the crackhead olympics which would break all sorts of world records.

At 11:32 PM, Anonymous j-g said...

DOn't forget Dave Chapelle's character " Tyrone."

At 10:22 AM, Blogger SafeTinspector said...

Detroit crack addicts suck.
They don't run anywhere, and their "will work for food" signs are misspelled. I wish we had DC style crack addicts, they sound WAY more fun.

At 1:26 PM, Blogger rob rob the party slob said...

I think I've decided that if they just go ahead and shut down most georgia ave and just use it for the races we might be in buissness. georgia is straight for miles... as are most streets in d.c. I guess they had a good city planner or something.... el guapo, I wanted to let you know I have a completely non sexual man crush on you

At 11:25 AM, Blogger Andraste said...

Crack Races. Huh. Can we get a network on this? I think the Reality TV market might make a go of it. Have your people check the copyright on this Chris Rock guy, and if it's a go for you, get the patent. You may never have to work again.

At 11:27 AM, Blogger Kanani said...

Thanks to Kim for bringing me here.

"He is the fastest white man I have ever seen in my life." --brilliant!

At 3:05 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

you! my friend, are hilarious. i stumbled across this from waiterrant, and i just want to say i love your style

At 12:36 PM, Blogger Bruce said...

Guapo, I think you need to run with this idea. Call it the DC drug olympics. The 50-yard crack dash is only the beginning. You could have the stoner marathon--basically a bunch of stoners smoke up then have to find their way to the kitchen and make snacks. I imagine that it could last hours.

Of course, you could do the same thing with people on acid walking through a park.


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