Wonderland: Feliz Ano Nuevo! Happy New Year!

Feliz ano nuevo! I hope that all of my amigos had a very safe New Year’s Eve that was full of fantastic adventures. I’m sure that I’ll be reading them this week.

For me, my New Year’s Eve was muy interesante. My girl Mercedes and I got into a huge fight and we ended up not spending the night together. I’m not sure what our situation is right now because I have chosen to let her cool off for un poquito. Latin women, you see, need more cooling off time than the regular white girls.

What was my fight about? Well, she asked me a simple question that many men get asked.

“Do these pants make my butt look big?”

You see, I’ve been watching a lot of Laguna Beach lately and for that one second I forgot that I was Latino and answered like a white boy:

“No. Not even a little bit.”

You see, this was the wrong answer. Latinas like to be bigger in the bottom. For that split segundo I just thought I was in Laguna Beach and I answered like one of those chicos would have…. Anyway, many expletives were strewn around and she ended up going out with some friends of hers who hate me. They’re Costa Rican and I know what they’re up to.

So what did I do? I decided to go hang out with people I cannot offend and went to a bar near my house: Wonderland. Wonderland is a bar that is in Columbia Heights and is new to the area. Not long ago, it was a black gay club. Now, it is a place where trendy white people go to listen to music, drink and “dance”.

I have been there before to admire the “dancing” that white people do and once again felt like I was watching a Discovery channel documentary. Three bands played. One was good and could keep a rhythm. The band was called The Apes and had a keyboard player who was muy guapa. Just something about a skirt with red leggings. Dios, the keyboard player for The Apes was muy guapa and I don't normally like las nieves. She played like she was in a trance and Latinas don't do that. I believe they are from DC and play around here, so if you want to go see a good white man’s band then take if from a Latino who knows nothing about your kind of music and listen to them.

Beside The Apes, the other bands made my ears want to cry. The dancing that came from their music was not really dancing, but more of jumping up and down in an off-beat manner. This made me want to cry very much, but the band of singing women made things even worse. Is it not necessary to sing well to be in a band? Dios mio!

To fit in, I trimmed my mustache and nodded my head in an off-beat manner to try to fit in.

The crowd was very mixed. Oh no, mostly white, but I mean mixed in terms of fashion. There were the trendy crowd that likes bad music and bad dancing and the crowd that seems to feel out of place in DC. I have seen their kind when riding the Orange Line Metro. It is nice to see that they are venturing into my ghetto, but I think their black pants and Tom Cruise hair may be more comfortable in Arlington. I guess it is nice to mix.

I like Wonderland. The white people for some razon feel the need to speak Espanol to me the moment they see me and when I humor them they buy me drinks. It is almost too easy. Muchas gracias for buying me all those drinks! It is not necessary, but I like to not spend anything when I go out. One girl told me about a novella called “Destinos” and kept talking about Raquel. Only Americans will learn Espanol by watching TV.

Also, just because I am from Guatemala doesn’t mean that I know Jose who washed dishes at a restaurant you worked at 3 years ago. Unfortunately, there is not a meet and greet of illegal Latinos from Guatemala.

Mi amigo Miguel was with me and he became afraid of the white dancing going around him and wanted to leave. He instead helped himself to some a blonde orange line girl who bought him drinks after seeing him bailar. Miguel can dance very well for white person standards. Es una pena (too bad) that Miguel drinks like a Mexican because he was muy borracho (very drunk) and I had to take him home. The blonde girl wanted to come too, but his mother would have not liked to have a strange girl at his home.

I hope that next year Wonderland allows El Guapo to pick their bands as I would make sure to pick ones that didn’t make my orejas (ears) cry. I will go to more bars like this in my attempt to understand you people.

In the meantime I think I am single, so pardon my sad tone. I hope Mercedes knows that I love her bottom and do not think it is small at all, but perfecto.

Anyway, Feliz Ano Nuevo!

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo