El Guapo in DC

I am El Guapo. The most Guapo man in all of DC. Mucho Amor

Monday, March 20, 2006

Not a Fetish

Look, before you read this entry it is muy importante that you know that El Guapo does not have any fetishes.

Sure, I like flan, but I’ve never incorporated it into any of my passionate Guatemalan love making. Si, I appreciate it when women take the time to purchase sexy lingerie, but you will not find me with the desire to wear them. They look better on women and on my bedroom floor. There is one thing, however, that could maybe be considered a fetish of mine. Maybe. What is it? I like feet.

Now, before I get judged by the Minutemen out there, please know that I don’t yearn to get stepped on, kicked, toe-sucking, blah-blah-blah-blah etc etc. You understand what I mean. I simply like a woman to have nice feet.

El Guapo, why nice feet?

Well, it is a well known fact that I, as a Guatemalan male am an expert in women. We are the chosen people. Well, the chosen Latino people. When I see a woman with well kept feet, I know that this is a woman who takes care of herself. This is a woman who has spent the time focused on the body part that gets beaten up daily to make them look beautiful. I appreciate this.

But El Guapo, what is it that makes feet nice?

Excellent question. There are several factors that contribute to one’s feet being nice. I will list them for you in no particular order:

a) Polish. It is not necessary to polish your toenails in order to make your feet nice. I have seen many nice feet without any toenail polish, but it is important that you make up your mind. Either you paint, or you don’t. There is no in-between. There are many things that make me cry (non-flan related) and a woman with cracked toenail polish is one of them. To me, I just feel like she has given up. I don’t wish to be with a woman who gives up like that. It depresses me so much that I just lit a candle. I’m not sure if this saint, San Judas Tadeo, can help with cracked toenail polish, but I’m sure he’ll do some good.

b) Toes. Yes, I realize that toes really only make up about 30% of the foot, but they are an important 30%. I like toes to be straight. Are your toes crooked from having to cram them into ballet shoes? I’m sorry. I may not like your feet. Actually, I may ask you to wear your socks at all times. Hammer toes have always made me cry. Ballet is beautiful, but Ave Maria, those feet… No thank you. Also, don't think that I can't tell you have crooked toes because you have them covered. There are some things that your Manolo's just can't hide. Lo siento.

c) Hair. But El Guapo, if I shave it, it will grow thicker!!! Look querida, that is just a risk that you are going to have to take. I have once seen a beautiful woman with hair on her big toe. I have yet to heal from the visual scar that caused. You do not know this because you are reading, but I had to take a break from writing because I threw up a little bit on my keyboard. Please, no toe-hair. Why stop at the ankles? Give the foot the razor amor that it deserves. Just remember the acronym: THB (Toe Hair Bad). Por favor!

d) Nail length. Have you ever cut someone with your toe nail? If so, it is too long. Does your toenail stick out past the end of your open-toed shoes? Si? Too long mami. Cut them. Use scissors, a sander, whatever you need to take care of that. You just made the little boy across the street cry when he looked at your feet. Why must you make the child cry? Why? I sometimes see women with such long toe nails that I imagine they must somehow use them for their cocaine habit. I don’t ask questions, but it is my understanding that a longer pinky nail (on your mano) works best. This is a very sensitive subject for me as I have a scar on my lower right calf from someone who didn’t bother to cut their toe nails.

These are the four factors that I use to judge nice feet. It is also easily remembered with the word Po-To-Ha-Na. It’s also fun to say PoToHaNa. You can also use the two letter abbreviations alone or in conjunction with others: PoTo, ToNa, PoHaNa etc.

Now, am I so vain that I would stop dating a woman because she had bad feet? In my youth, yes. Now, no. I will say, however, that when I was a boy I told my sisters that I would only seriously be with someone who had nice feet. Mercedes, my ex, had horrible feet. Truly horrible. They were crooked from wearing small shoes, her toes were unusually tiny, and she had a really barely-even-there pinky toe nail that scared me. Did I love her? Si, mucho. Are we still together? No, it didn’t work out. Was it because of her feet? I’d like to think so, but no.

I believe that Dios has saved me a nice chica who will put up with me and at the same time have nice feet.

Ah, for the record, I do not have nice feet. However, mis hermanas and madre do. Luckily for my future children, the foot gene is passed from the mother’s side.

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo

22 Comments:

At 1:41 PM, Blogger Rev. Smokin Steve said...

Women have to have nice feet if I am going to give them one of my famous foot massages. It is just part of the deal.

Thank you for saying what needed to be said! If I have to clip my nose hairs, then you women have to shave the toe hair. It's fair.

 
At 4:11 PM, Blogger John said...

I believe the proper term for toe hair is Hobbit Feet.

 
At 4:40 PM, Blogger angie said...

so what you're saying is that you want to date a woman who has feet like your madre and sisters? . . .

sick.

 
At 5:07 PM, Blogger jaymichaelrivera said...

El guapo, I am madly in love with my wife, pero sabes que? She and her four sisters all have the dreaded crooked toes. They pass muster on the other three counts. Ni modo. I guess you can't fight genetics. Thanks for warning those who are still in the market.

I'm curious, what's El Guapo's take on hair in other ares, specifically on the arms and on the face?

 
At 6:52 PM, Blogger DC Cookie said...

Same rules apply for the men. Clip, buff and deodorize por favor.

 
At 6:59 PM, Blogger Petra said...

My man has a foot thing too. I don't get it, but whatever blows his skirt up. We did a hot foto shoot one time and his favorite pic was my leg from calf down...go figure.

 
At 7:07 PM, Blogger Petra said...

BTW, Flan makes great lube : )

P

 
At 7:43 PM, Blogger RoarSavage said...

What about freakishly long toes?
Uhm, my friend wanted to know.

 
At 8:26 PM, Blogger El Guapo in DC said...

Freakishly long toes also scare me. Your toes should only really be between 28-30% of your feet starting at the bottom of your pinky toe.

If you are a swimmer then it is good to have long toes. I just wish you would wear Aqua Socks. You're going to make the little ninos wet themselves in the pool and we don't need that.

Flan...... Its uses are countless.

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo

 
At 8:47 PM, Blogger Washington Cube said...

Pedicures every four weeks for me, El G., and in the summer every two weeks a polish change. This week, btw: Strawberry Marguarita. It's funny, but it's part of OPI Nailpolish's new "Mexico" line. I am NOT making this up.

 
At 9:06 PM, Blogger ThaiMex1 said...

Compadre! I remember taking the up escalator at the Woodley Park Metro behind a woman who had forgotten all the rules of good feet. She was wearing sandals and my eyes were staring right at her heels which were cracked, gray, and calloused. I wanted to throw up on the spot but instead took the long walk up to avoid those heels.

And DC Cookie is correct, what goes for the Ladies goes for the Gentlemen!

Which reminds me, El Guapo...you should see DC Cookie's entry on the very same subject!

 
At 9:24 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I agree with El Guapo. I do have to add with this idea you should also include manos. I have a thing about hands. Those who bite their nails ...uy dios ...yo creo que they have a nervous tick or something like that. This is not a good sign. But El Guapo dont you think it would only be fiar for you to care for feet as well...love yourself get a pedicure.

 
At 10:00 AM, Blogger Foilwoman said...

I've got to redo my pedicure right now, especially with Spring here, and open-toed shoes looming on the horizon.

 
At 10:27 AM, Anonymous Shumway said...

I guess what is acceptable for one person is totally gross for another. A lot of it depends on how you were raised, I suppose.

 
At 12:22 PM, Blogger Sterculian Rhetoric said...

Attachment sites for Brevibacteria are also a sex-linked trait, el guapo! Brevibacteria are considered a major cause of foot odour, as they ingest dead skin on the feet, especially on the soles and between the toes, converting in the process the amino acid methionine to methane thiol, which has a sulfuric aroma. Brevibacteria also give cheeses such as Limburger, Bel Paese, Port du Salut, and Muenster their characteristic pungency.

Great on Flan, they are.

 
At 1:12 PM, Blogger Larissa said...

an admiration of tidy feet i get. just don't become a feet freak like this guy. yowsah.

 
At 1:42 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

John..it's "hobbit toe"

being from FL, busted feet are quite common place. if you're feet are busted, keep them covered in socks and shoes.

and amen el guapo

 
At 3:02 PM, Anonymous MappyB said...

"I threw up a little bit on my keyboard"

That is great.

That's so funny. And aqua socks. You crack me up.

 
At 8:33 PM, Anonymous jane said...

PoToHaNa - yes, but also "Bu" for bunions and "He" for heels. One of my co-workers has SCARY bunions, yet she feels it is her right to wear open-toed shoes and strappy sandals. Ay, que feo! Just say "no" to cracked heels and nasty feet, por favor!

 
At 8:52 PM, Blogger theinebriantgrape said...

Dear El Guapo,

When I got so far as "d) Nail length." I laughed so fucking hard that I threw my head back and a side splitting guffaw came out of my mouth!

I was scolded for this, El Guapo. Because my spouse was trying to watch television.

Shame on you El Guapo. I have become so busy at work that I am forced to read your blog at home. At this point El Guapo, I am truly in trouble. Do you realize what show I interrupted? Do you?!

GENERAL HOSPITAL, El Guapo. Si.

However, I still have amor for you.

still -

yo

 
At 9:44 PM, Anonymous Advicelord said...

El Guapo,

Do you appreciate a man with "nice" feet?

AL

 
At 9:50 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Beat-up, calloused feet on a pretty girl is hot. It shows a roughness and earthiness about her. This is a low-maintenance girl who can stroll across hot pavement if her flip flops break.

I think pampered and preened feet are ugly. Feet aren't supposed to look like that. And usually it's the otherwise unattractive girls who spend time and money getting their feet to look perfect.

 

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