Not a Fetish

Look, before you read this entry it is muy importante that you know that El Guapo does not have any fetishes.

Sure, I like flan, but I’ve never incorporated it into any of my passionate Guatemalan love making. Si, I appreciate it when women take the time to purchase sexy lingerie, but you will not find me with the desire to wear them. They look better on women and on my bedroom floor. There is one thing, however, that could maybe be considered a fetish of mine. Maybe. What is it? I like feet.

Now, before I get judged by the Minutemen out there, please know that I don’t yearn to get stepped on, kicked, toe-sucking, blah-blah-blah-blah etc etc. You understand what I mean. I simply like a woman to have nice feet.

El Guapo, why nice feet?

Well, it is a well known fact that I, as a Guatemalan male am an expert in women. We are the chosen people. Well, the chosen Latino people. When I see a woman with well kept feet, I know that this is a woman who takes care of herself. This is a woman who has spent the time focused on the body part that gets beaten up daily to make them look beautiful. I appreciate this.

But El Guapo, what is it that makes feet nice?

Excellent question. There are several factors that contribute to one’s feet being nice. I will list them for you in no particular order:

a) Polish. It is not necessary to polish your toenails in order to make your feet nice. I have seen many nice feet without any toenail polish, but it is important that you make up your mind. Either you paint, or you don’t. There is no in-between. There are many things that make me cry (non-flan related) and a woman with cracked toenail polish is one of them. To me, I just feel like she has given up. I don’t wish to be with a woman who gives up like that. It depresses me so much that I just lit a candle. I’m not sure if this saint, San Judas Tadeo, can help with cracked toenail polish, but I’m sure he’ll do some good.

b) Toes. Yes, I realize that toes really only make up about 30% of the foot, but they are an important 30%. I like toes to be straight. Are your toes crooked from having to cram them into ballet shoes? I’m sorry. I may not like your feet. Actually, I may ask you to wear your socks at all times. Hammer toes have always made me cry. Ballet is beautiful, but Ave Maria, those feet… No thank you. Also, don't think that I can't tell you have crooked toes because you have them covered. There are some things that your Manolo's just can't hide. Lo siento.

c) Hair. But El Guapo, if I shave it, it will grow thicker!!! Look querida, that is just a risk that you are going to have to take. I have once seen a beautiful woman with hair on her big toe. I have yet to heal from the visual scar that caused. You do not know this because you are reading, but I had to take a break from writing because I threw up a little bit on my keyboard. Please, no toe-hair. Why stop at the ankles? Give the foot the razor amor that it deserves. Just remember the acronym: THB (Toe Hair Bad). Por favor!

d) Nail length. Have you ever cut someone with your toe nail? If so, it is too long. Does your toenail stick out past the end of your open-toed shoes? Si? Too long mami. Cut them. Use scissors, a sander, whatever you need to take care of that. You just made the little boy across the street cry when he looked at your feet. Why must you make the child cry? Why? I sometimes see women with such long toe nails that I imagine they must somehow use them for their cocaine habit. I don’t ask questions, but it is my understanding that a longer pinky nail (on your mano) works best. This is a very sensitive subject for me as I have a scar on my lower right calf from someone who didn’t bother to cut their toe nails.

These are the four factors that I use to judge nice feet. It is also easily remembered with the word Po-To-Ha-Na. It’s also fun to say PoToHaNa. You can also use the two letter abbreviations alone or in conjunction with others: PoTo, ToNa, PoHaNa etc.

Now, am I so vain that I would stop dating a woman because she had bad feet? In my youth, yes. Now, no. I will say, however, that when I was a boy I told my sisters that I would only seriously be with someone who had nice feet. Mercedes, my ex, had horrible feet. Truly horrible. They were crooked from wearing small shoes, her toes were unusually tiny, and she had a really barely-even-there pinky toe nail that scared me. Did I love her? Si, mucho. Are we still together? No, it didn’t work out. Was it because of her feet? I’d like to think so, but no.

I believe that Dios has saved me a nice chica who will put up with me and at the same time have nice feet.

Ah, for the record, I do not have nice feet. However, mis hermanas and madre do. Luckily for my future children, the foot gene is passed from the mother’s side.

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo