El Guapo in DC

I am El Guapo. The most Guapo man in all of DC. Mucho Amor

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Tomato Allergies

Mi hermana brought home a gringo yesterday. I haven’t decided if I’m going to like him, but I must admit that I’m strongly leaning towards pretty much hating him.

Mira, no man is good enough for mi hermanita. This I know. But in comes “Derek” with his fancy blue eyes, spiky blonde hair, and orange Lacoste shirt and I decided that I really wasn’t going to like him. It didn’t help him that he was well over six feet tall. Ladies, what must I do to make you realize that tall men are overrated?

It’s not a bad thing to look down into your man’s eyes. Why do you want to look up? Your neck will hurt after some time and if you end up with them you will eventually become crooked. So please, in the name of good posture, stop dating tall men. I digress…

Derek. I don’t understand this name. It sounds too harsh on my ears. If the hard “k” sound is to be in a word, it should be followed by a vowel. No exceptions.

I was very polite to Derek and asked him if I could offer him something to drink.

“Oh, yeah. Can I have a water?”

What the hell is this, Cactus Cantina? You come into mi casa you giant son of a bitch and you ask me for water?

How about a beer, Derek?

I am sure to over-pronounce the “k” and mi hermana noticed. All I’m saying is that if a man offers you a drink, you don’t ask for water. At least not in mi casa. He probably doesn’t drink scotch either. Mi hermana brought home a gringo…

At dinner the conversation was boring. Hedge fund this, mutual fund that, options, blah blah blah. His hair was too spiky and blonde. I bet he wraps a sweater around his shoulders when it gets too cold. He looks as if his mother’s name is Buffy or Kitty. Oh yes, he’ll be celebrating St. Patrick’s day. Am I being too harsh?

I look over while trying not to fall asleep to his verbal taco salad and realize that he hasn’t touched any of his tomatoes. What in the name of Santo Domingo is this all about?

Derek, you don’t like tomatoes?

“Oh, yeah, I’m allergic actually.”

You’re allergic to tomatoes?

What man is allergic to tomatoes?

“Yeah, I break out in hives when I eat them.”

Hives…. Derek just received my Man-Woman of the Year Award. The local transvestites finally have competition. Why can’t mi hermana find a nice Guatemalan man?

In my many years of studying human behavior I’ve determined (just now) that I don’t like people who are allergic to tomatoes. If you don’t like to eat something just say so. Don’t give me this allergic talk. If that’s the case, I’m allergic to lima beans.

Derek, do you play soccer?

“No, I played lacrosse in college.”

Si, why wouldn’t you…. Mi hermana hears me mutter this and kicks me under the table. She is a feisty little creature, mi hermana. The women in my family have a tendency to kick my shins under the table. I believe that I have nerve damage from this and will one day be a cripple. I wouldn’t mutter if they stopped bringing home the tall gringos.

My mind flashes to their wedding at the country club and how all their fair-skinned guests mistake me for their waiter. How all of a sudden my sister becomes “exotic” in their eyes because she is marrying a man with a name containing a hard “k”. She is no longer Latina, Hispanic, or the brown little girl. She is Derek’s wife and is “exotic”. Buffy, your daughter in law is beeeautiful. She is so exotic. Is she Italian? I’ll tell you what, those Mediterranean women are so exotic. I just have to stay by Henry’s side when we go to Europe because he just loves them. Oh, Guatemalan? Yes, frightful history they’ve had. Our gardener is either Guatemalan or Nicaraguan. Who knows anymore!

“El Guapo, Derek has a sister who likes to dance.”

“Yeah, man. Tracy loves Latin dancing. Your sister tells me you can cut a mean rug.”

Cut a rug? I don’t even act like I know what the diablo that means. A sister? She must be blonde, have blue eyes, tan from sun, toned legs from tennis…. Maybe I can get used to this Derek fellow.

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo

34 Comments:

At 1:19 PM, Blogger HomeImprovementNinja said...

My sister married a gringo. At the wedding, they "dance" the electric slide and chicken dance. What's wrong with these people?

 
At 1:27 PM, Blogger Rev. Smokin Steve said...

I DJ weddings, and have seen many Latino people dance the Electric Slide. But they never seem to like the chicken dance.

In honor of you, I will celebrate my part Irish heritage on St Patrick's Day by downing a six pack of Dos Equis.

By the way... I'm 6'2" now, and played a mean fullback in soccer when I was 11. I just thoguht that needed to be said.

 
At 1:42 PM, Blogger El Guapo in DC said...

Chicken dance... I've never understood that dance. A little part of me dies each time I'm exposed to that song.

Mucho Amor,

EG

 
At 2:10 PM, Blogger Debby said...

I double dog dare them to mistake you for a waiter!!

 
At 3:00 PM, Anonymous kschic said...

Oh El Guapo, you crack me up! I'm a gringo, but always find myself in awe of us (ok, well shame is more like it). I'm not a gringo at heart though! Well, except the Irish part of me.

 
At 4:05 PM, Blogger The Flying Enchilada said...

I enjoy reading your blog. You've got talent. BTW, I married a gringo except he's from New Zealand (not quite as dorky over there)

 
At 5:24 PM, Blogger Prom said...

I agree about tall men. They are harder to cuddle with and hog more than their share of the bed.

 
At 5:36 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow. I just started reading you blog a couple of days ago and I haven't stopped laughing. You crack me up. Good work Guapo. Keep it up.

 
At 5:48 PM, Blogger DC Cookie said...

In Canada, beer IS our water...

 
At 6:31 PM, Anonymous Shannon said...

That's it El Guapo, embrace the differences! Life would would be way too boring without them! Besides, you can always drop a drop or two of tomato juice in his water if he continues to blab about mutual funds.

 
At 7:24 PM, Blogger John said...

You are dead on with the Country Club usage of "exotic." It really is the most backhanded, "what? me a bigot?" kind of fake compliment. It's like saying, "oh, she's so pretty for someone who isn't white."

 
At 8:42 PM, Blogger Washington Cube said...

Dare I type this: I'm allergic to lima beans. No. Seriously. But I love them. I still eat them and say, "Allergies be damned."

El G? You are SO gifted, it's scarey.

 
At 12:28 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

i love you! date me. tall asian girl with many years of experience i have decided (just now) to date guatemalean men. muahhh <3 <3 <3

 
At 8:26 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Don't mess with lax people. if I were you. We know how to hit people with metal sticks(FYI: LAX = lacrosse). I'm latina, salvadoreña to be exact and play lax and love it. I Also have a 6 foot tall gringo boyfriend and love him very mucho. Don't be so harsh on your sister. If you love her you have to pretend to like DERE"K".

 
At 9:09 AM, Anonymous Juju bean said...

Mi mamá married a 6 foot, blond, blue eyed gringo, and 37 years later, the man still can't dance, doesn't eat spicy food, and can't speak more than a few words of español. My brother and I, however, turned out well (if not a bit fair skinned). We can dance, have firey tempers, and both of us played soccer. So think of it as improving the gene pool.

 
At 12:41 PM, Blogger la guera loca said...

Every time I offer water to my mexican, he says "agua me hace daño" and grabs a beer - even at 6 in the morning.

Oh, and I dance better than he does, and I don't mean poultry dancing.

 
At 12:43 PM, Blogger Washington Cube said...

You should be downing Cabro Extra's, Steve, in honor of El G. Now my friend "T" would love the Dos Equis. Of the Cabro beer, he would probably say, "Not bad...for something Guatemalan."

Happy St. Patrick's Day, Senor G. and keep the writing coming. I love it.

 
At 12:44 PM, Blogger Washington Cube said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 2:16 PM, Anonymous Mamasita said...

Are you *my* brother?

I married a gringo- with a "K" at the end of his name- he's 6ft tall too. You know how we remedy his name? We add an "O" at the end. Try it- Dereko. Hehe.

 
At 3:06 PM, Anonymous justwondering said...

Could she pour tabasco sauce on his chest, or does that have tomatoes in it?

 
At 3:19 PM, Blogger Siryn said...

That's hilarious... great post!

And who the heck came up with that chicken dance? Must have been on something...

 
At 3:40 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

ohhhhhh...please don't equate Lacoste shirts and country club members with St. Patrick's Day! we irish are different! very white. no arguments. but please!

 
At 6:35 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm Isabella. On an unrelated matter... There's something invigorating about hearing Daddy Yankee blasting out of a truck on an unusually warm day at PSU.

 
At 10:38 PM, Blogger Roonie said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

I don't understand why Latina women date anyone else but Latino men. I LOVE ME SOME LATINO MEN! But that's fine with me. If your hermanita marries a gringo, that just means more Latino stallions for me.

Thank your hermanita for me ;)

P.S. - The chicken dance and the electric slide are both ridiculous!

 
At 8:27 AM, Blogger Dread Pirate Megan said...

I'm not too sure what a "chicken dance" is, but at my family reunions we do the Chicken Polka(we are Polish). It looks silly but its a lot of fun and something that kids and adults can get into.

 
At 7:26 PM, Blogger ThaiMex1 said...

¡ Compadre ! You're going to have to do a summary about madres latinas y como they can sabotage a relationship between the hijos and their romances, ESPECIALLY when they're getting serious AND if/when la novia es una rubia. Latin mothers are the same regardless of nationalities, boundaries, or borders!

WashCube's "T"

p.s. I would rather have a Tecate or shots of Herrandura!

 
At 12:53 AM, Anonymous sofitel said...

I'm sorry el Guapo but if you decide to date a tanned legged, blond and blue eyed guera you are not allowed to call yourself "El Guapo" anymore, is all I'm saying (if you can get used to a tag like "the hunk" by all means go ahead and date a gringa, but I won't respect you in the morning, I had a hard time enough of it knowing you dated an argentenian...

 
At 6:05 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

usually love your stuff, guapito, but this one was a little . . . unfortunate. doesn't sound like this guy did anything to earn your ire but be white. you come off almost mean-spirited. (the ensuing applause in comments from striving-to-be-hep-yeah-ain't-we-so-awful gringos notwithstanding.)

but i mean it when i say your stuff is usually pretty fantastic. just thought you strayed here.

 
At 6:38 PM, Blogger El Guapo in DC said...

Agreed. He was a nice guy. The truth is that I don't like anyone mi hermana dates. Call it my being overprotective or not wanting her to ever grow up. I'm not sure anyone will ever be good enough for her.

EG

 
At 4:14 PM, Blogger missmolly said...

About the tomato allergy - food allergies are serious and real, and they were never just about peanuts.

It's possible he could be faking, but then those of us with real allergies would have to come and hunt him down for you. Let us know.

 
At 8:44 PM, Blogger theinebriantgrape said...

Dear El Guapo,

This has has to be, by far, the funniest pinche I have read yet.

This takes the pastel.

Que Bueno. I simply applaud you.

Mucho Amor,

Yo

 
At 6:08 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

loved this until you said you wanted to date DereK's sister! Not cool... just like DereK.

 
At 10:24 PM, Blogger java bean rush said...

"I bet he wraps a sweater around his shoulders when it gets too cold. " --- EG


Rofl rofl rofl!!

 
At 10:20 PM, Blogger marshall said...

I do not think that is nothing wrong with a woman who married a gringo, but it is still everyone's own opinion. Your story is quite entertaining. Congratulations!
excessive sweating control.

 

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