El Guapo in DC

I am El Guapo. The most Guapo man in all of DC. Mucho Amor

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Dia Glorioso!: For guns?

As veces things happen for reasons we can not explain. Today, for reasons known but to Dios, something was erroneously delivered to the El Guapo household.

Recebi, in the mail, a copy of Field & Stream magazine. Not just any Field and Stream. This, was The Gun Nut Issue! (exclamation point placed by the good people of Field & Stream).

I stood by the front of my door staring down at the floor after the cartero dropped off our mail through the slot. It was staring at me, in all of its glory and its blood red color. Si, this is not a joke of mine. The Gun Nut Issue! for Field & Stream magazine was in blood red.

The revista claimed to have the new and exciting results of a gun survey and I was lured into a world to which I had never been invited. Que dia glorioso! Oh happy day. I will learn so much.

Turns out that the Remington 700 (luckily you can buy it at Walmart) was voted the best all-around rifle by the good readers of this magazine. I may just be a simple Guatemalan, but the look of this rifle is very similar to the tricked out Escalades I see rolling around DC. Looks like a lot of chrome to me. Then again, I’m just a simple Guatemalan. Note to El Guapo: Do not tell local MS-13 gang about the rifle that will match their ride.

After leafing through the results of this survey, I quickly realized that I may not be welcome into this club of gun-toting mustached men. They may not appreciate the sexiness of my Guatemalan mustache. I believe one man has oatmeal stuck in his as he tenderly holds his gun. El Guapo would never have that. He is quoted as saying, and I promise you that I can’t make this up, I am a simple Guatemalan: “If possible, I would buy one gun per day, every day, and live on rural land to shoot them as often as I could.”

Please, amigos, take a moment and read that una vez mas.

Now, please look at this man:

He is most likely a very nice man who would enjoy having a simple Guatemalan like myself dating his daughter, but he still looks like the anti-social uncle that everyone has who sits at the back of the room with his socks showing. Now I know what that fucker is always thinking about. Note to El Guapo: Beware of men with Indiana Jones camouflaged hats, mustache, orange jacket, and who tenderly hold guns.

I was brave and read on. How about this quote: “The only thing that bothers me is guns today really have no personality.”

Look at this picture. Study it. Love it. Study the hair cut. Notice the “I don’t smile in pictures while holding a deer’s head in my hands” face. Por favor. Love this picture. Mi cabeza hurts right now from all the things that I want to say about this man. Note to El Guapo: When holding an animal carcass for a photo opportunity, do not smile. Not cool to smile. Not cool.

“You can’t get enough of them. If only my wife understood that.”

Your wife understands mi amigo. She cries herself to sleep into her pillow every night before the Ambien kicks in. She understands. Note to El Guapo: When hunting, be sure to wear an Indiana Jones hat to fit in. DO NOT wear the hat with the Guatemalan flag. No hunters in the magazine were wearing a Guatemala hat.

After reading this fine magazine I believe that I am ready to enter the wonderful world of hunting. Unfortunately, guns are illegal in the fine city of Washington DC, so I won’t be able to hold any carcasses up for pictures. Luckily, for the DC residents, several members of Congress have tried to make sure that the fine residents of DC are able to get their gun rights back! Estoy feliz! En serio, DC residents are so lucky that politicians from states like Kentucky, Texas, and Ohio care so much about the Washingtonians. I am just positive that these same politicians would also agree to let us vote.

Today was a good dia para El Guapo. I learned many valuable things about life and hunting. In fact, Miguel just ran over an opossum and we are going to take turns practicing our picture faces for when we are able to have guns once again just like our sister states Kentucky, Texas, and Indiana.

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo

Please do yourselves a service and buy this issue. March 2006 Volume of Field & Stream magazine. It makes for a great coffee table magazine and for reading while eating pupusas with your local gang members.


At 5:35 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nice blog!

Anyway, I have a new blog called "Undead Obituaries." :) Shamelessly promoting my blog :)


If you want to post your obituaries, kindly email it to undeadobituaries@yahoo.com

At 1:25 PM, Blogger casey said...

I think you should totally post your obituary as per anon's request. I'm doing mine know. You could maybe even tie it into this last post.

At 1:37 PM, Blogger El Barbudo said...

In Europe it's a different culture - the Remington 700 is an electric razor

At 2:38 PM, Blogger Christopher Robin said...

You know they should send a copy of that magazine to every new arrival to this country. I mean I had no idea that I needed both an Indiana Jones hat and a mustache to go with my Remington...I guess I'll need to add that to the shopping list if I want to fit in with the local Minnesota guns men. Thanks El Guapo, you've spared me much embarrassment.

At 2:55 PM, Anonymous a southern belle said...

El Guapo,
Have you grown the moustache back??

At 4:25 PM, Blogger Namaste said...

El Guapo you are el funny!

At 4:27 PM, Anonymous Duh-mension said...

My Bi-Dimensional sources informed me that that article did include a picture of a Guatemalan with a mustache, but he was too sexy for printing. The editors feared that the gun-nutters wives would begin reading the magazine as well. This would surely cause an uproar from the expressionless men in the final photos. Sorry. El Guapo. It's probably for the best.

At 4:56 PM, Blogger Larissa said...

wow, now that's a way to start a sunday.

At 9:11 AM, Blogger theinebriantgrape said...

dear el guapo,

i am laughing so hard that i am crying. si. i am crying so hard that i am sitting in a puddle.

ok el guapo - the gig is up. there is no puddle.

mucho amor,

At 11:15 PM, Blogger Foilwoman said...

Sorry about the NRA wingnuts. Glad to hear that your handsome mustache of Guatamalan-ness is back.

At 4:46 AM, Blogger NewYorkMoments said...

All of those pictures were from the Unabomber's family photo album, right?

At 8:30 AM, Blogger Reya Mellicker said...

El Guapo you continue to astonish me with your genius. Couldn't figure out, should I laugh out loud at his post or cry or throw up? Hard to decide, but finally I decided to laugh. You are fabulous with or without your mustache.

At 12:31 PM, Blogger DC Cookie said...

"If only my wife understood that" In Texas, his wife would be out on the hunt with him. He clearly needs to relocate.

At 1:05 PM, Anonymous gringo en Brasil said...

Oy Guapo,

Me gusté mucho de su comentário sobre la nueva edición del "Field & Stream". No tenemos (ayunca) el MS-13 en Brasil, mucho menos el "Field & Stream en portugues. Infelizmente, las únicas personas que tienen el Remington 700 (AK-47, M-16 etc.)en Brasil son los traficantes de las favelas del "Comando Vermelho". Tenga cuidado en las ruas.

paz y amor
el Gringo

At 2:57 PM, Blogger aurelgrooves said...

oye, thankfully F&S is hip with the millennium, and online:

there are blogs, pictures of adorable soon-to-be-dead animals, updates from SHOT shows...god bless america.

At 5:18 PM, Anonymous Lady_Naomi26 said...

Frickin' laughing my head off!!! Guns having personality? Like it's an extension of his you-know-what?

And, his wife understands. OMG! Very funny, El Guapo.

I'm Australian so this is understandably different. Right, the Ambien just kicked in.


At 3:49 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your commentary about it all is hilarious and spot on!


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