Dia Glorioso!: For guns?
As veces things happen for reasons we can not explain. Today, for reasons known but to Dios, something was erroneously delivered to the El Guapo household.
Recebi, in the mail, a copy of Field & Stream magazine. Not just any Field and Stream. This, was The Gun Nut Issue! (exclamation point placed by the good people of Field & Stream).
I stood by the front of my door staring down at the floor after the cartero dropped off our mail through the slot. It was staring at me, in all of its glory and its blood red color. Si, this is not a joke of mine. The Gun Nut Issue! for Field & Stream magazine was in blood red.
The revista claimed to have the new and exciting results of a gun survey and I was lured into a world to which I had never been invited. Que dia glorioso! Oh happy day. I will learn so much.
Turns out that the Remington 700 (luckily you can buy it at Walmart) was voted the best all-around rifle by the good readers of this magazine. I may just be a simple Guatemalan, but the look of this rifle is very similar to the tricked out Escalades I see rolling around DC. Looks like a lot of chrome to me. Then again, I’m just a simple Guatemalan. Note to El Guapo: Do not tell local MS-13 gang about the rifle that will match their ride.
After leafing through the results of this survey, I quickly realized that I may not be welcome into this club of gun-toting mustached men. They may not appreciate the sexiness of my Guatemalan mustache. I believe one man has oatmeal stuck in his as he tenderly holds his gun. El Guapo would never have that. He is quoted as saying, and I promise you that I can’t make this up, I am a simple Guatemalan: “If possible, I would buy one gun per day, every day, and live on rural land to shoot them as often as I could.”
Please, amigos, take a moment and read that una vez mas.
Now, please look at this man:
He is most likely a very nice man who would enjoy having a simple Guatemalan like myself dating his daughter, but he still looks like the anti-social uncle that everyone has who sits at the back of the room with his socks showing. Now I know what that fucker is always thinking about. Note to El Guapo: Beware of men with Indiana Jones camouflaged hats, mustache, orange jacket, and who tenderly hold guns.
I was brave and read on. How about this quote: “The only thing that bothers me is guns today really have no personality.”
Look at this picture. Study it. Love it. Study the hair cut. Notice the “I don’t smile in pictures while holding a deer’s head in my hands” face. Por favor. Love this picture. Mi cabeza hurts right now from all the things that I want to say about this man. Note to El Guapo: When holding an animal carcass for a photo opportunity, do not smile. Not cool to smile. Not cool.
“You can’t get enough of them. If only my wife understood that.”
Your wife understands mi amigo. She cries herself to sleep into her pillow every night before the Ambien kicks in. She understands. Note to El Guapo: When hunting, be sure to wear an Indiana Jones hat to fit in. DO NOT wear the hat with the Guatemalan flag. No hunters in the magazine were wearing a Guatemala hat.
After reading this fine magazine I believe that I am ready to enter the wonderful world of hunting. Unfortunately, guns are illegal in the fine city of Washington DC, so I won’t be able to hold any carcasses up for pictures. Luckily, for the DC residents, several members of Congress have tried to make sure that the fine residents of DC are able to get their gun rights back! Estoy feliz! En serio, DC residents are so lucky that politicians from states like Kentucky, Texas, and Ohio care so much about the Washingtonians. I am just positive that these same politicians would also agree to let us vote.
Today was a good dia para El Guapo. I learned many valuable things about life and hunting. In fact, Miguel just ran over an opossum and we are going to take turns practicing our picture faces for when we are able to have guns once again just like our sister states Kentucky, Texas, and Indiana.
Please do yourselves a service and buy this issue. March 2006 Volume of Field & Stream magazine. It makes for a great coffee table magazine and for reading while eating pupusas with your local gang members.