Lately, I have found myself closing my eyes before looking into the mirror.
It is not anything unnecessarily dramatic, but there is a pause.
Do you ever fear that you will not like the person looking back at you? Do you ever feel that the smiles will stop?
Mistakes. I have made them. I have learned from them. But what if I made a mistake so big that no lesson can be learned? What if a mistake is so great that I have to go through life constantly pausing before looking in the mirror? What if the mere sight of my own face results in a reminder of that mistake?
An anonymous commenter (it’s always the anonymous ones) suggested I take some Prozac to stop complaining. Maybe he is right. Maybe I need some chemical influence to stop my mind from racing and making me pause before looking in the mirror.
I have memorized every crevice of my bedroom ceiling because I stare upwards as I pray for sleep to take me away. Yet when the sleep comes, she is there. She is always there. She haunts my thoughts and my dreams.
What do you do when you are reminded of a woman when you feel a cool breeze across your face? Do the pauses stop?
Patience. Time. These things, they say, heal all. I do not believe this. Not today. Some things do not heal.
I would like to meet they. Ellos. They who come up with the sayings that are supposed to make you feel better. Misery loves company; better to have loved and lost than never loved at all; time heals all… They are idiots.
Today, I saw a man stop in the middle of the street to enjoy the sunshine on his face. He stopped, looked upward and smiled. I think he even sang. How amazing it must be to enjoy the warmth of the sun on your face. I would like to have this again.
Give me the Prozac. Por favor.