El Guapo in DC

I am El Guapo. The most Guapo man in all of DC. Mucho Amor

Monday, January 29, 2007

New Underpants

I was almost beaten up by a bunch of 13 year old kids today.

No soy the pugilist I once was, but I’m pretty certain that if one 13 year old tried to fight me, that I could hold him down by his shoes with wheels. However, when there are 6 shoes with wheels, that can be a bit of a problem.

“What the fuck are you looking at nigga’?”

Ay Dios… I looked up from my paper to see who was unfortunate enough to have these words thrown at them. Then I realized that the angry eyes which belonged to the young, angry voice was being directed at me.

“That’s right nigga’. I’m talkin’ to you!”

Ay Dios… I bit my lower lip to take in the situation. There I was, a gorgeous Guatemalan, who up until that point was having a pretty good day. Then, I find myself getting surrounded by half a dozen kids in oversized winter coats.

A couple of scenarios flashed through my mind and one of them involved me breaking into a Latino Jackie Chan segment with Chris Tucker in the back of the bus yelling nonsense. Another involved me waking up in the hospital with my face beaten to a pulp and mi madre praying her rosary beads. My face… Mi beautiful Guatemalan face…

Should I rely on my wit in situations like this? Maybe I could make these caballeros laugh at my Latino observations.

“Answer me motha’ fucka’!”

Perhaps I could find a better time to make someone smile. These kids were just in the mood to fight.

“He don’t understand what you sayin’ Arnie.”

Arnie… This kid’s name is Arnold. No wonder he’s angry.

“What’s the matter bitch? All you understand is tacos and burritos?”

Yo quiero Taco Bell.

I realized the words coming out of my mouth and wanted them to go right back in. Get back in!!! What the hell was that? Yo quiero Taco Bell? That was the best that I could do when I’m about to get jumped by a couple of teenagers in black marshmallow jackets. Why Diós? Why now? Why must I do my impression of the Mexican Chihuahua, why?

Then, it happened. I saw it start in the back and filter through the group. I even heard an old woman (who should have had my back in the first place) try to contain a chuckle. Then the kid with the angry mouth cocked his head, pressed his lips together and winced his eyes in a playful fashion.

Playful fashion. This is a good thing, yes?

“Yeah money. I want some Taco Bell too. We’re getting off here!”

And so, it was. They left.

Pobre Arnold. Going through life angry that his parents named him Arnold. Don’t be angry Arnold. Don’t be angry.

Now I just need new underpants.

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo


At 11:59 PM, Blogger Rene said...

how shaolin of you, El Guapo.

disarming the situation without using physical conflict.


At 2:29 AM, Blogger La Cubana Gringa said...

You should learn to be more careful. Just remember, coño, there's a beautiful mustache at risk here.

At 4:20 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

el guapo, i love you. you made me laugh aloud when i needed it. thank you

At 8:45 AM, Blogger Mr. Poopie said...

Hermano, they are angry because we are so sexy (and because those marshmellow coats only come in black). From one brown man in D.C. to another, quidate!

At 10:05 AM, Anonymous Mariah said...

WHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!! This is definately one of your funniests posts... :-)

At 11:21 AM, Blogger Namaste said...

hilarious. reminds me of a "cheer" that wey used to do in high school. (I went to a ghetto high school so bear with me.)

Readyyyyyyyyyy??!! Ok.

"Taco, burrito, what's comin' outta yo' speedo? You in trouble! You makin' bubble!"

Gorgeous Guatemaulans don't need underpants anyways, Guapo.

At 1:17 PM, Blogger Lee said...

Yo necessito underpantios nuevo.

My command of Espanol is daunting. Tu es muy hilarioso.

At 3:26 PM, Anonymous Judith in NYC said...

This is the first time I read your blog and now I am hooked. I am shrieking with laughter. Must teach my "muy guapo boricua en NY" son your self-defense technique.

At 4:16 PM, Anonymous heightsofcolumbia said...

You should come ride up and down 14th or 15th St., El G. The bus riders there get nothing but respect.

At 4:19 PM, Blogger Rachel said...

Gorgeous, brazen, AND funny? Wow.

All apple slicers and wheely-shoed children beware.

At 5:46 PM, Anonymous angela said...

oh, God, i HATE those wheel shoes.

I work as a 5th grade teacher at an after school program and all the kids have them...sometimes i secretly hope they fall and learn a lesson the hard way.

anyhow, you are too funny. :]

At 9:20 AM, Anonymous Tim said...

This exercise in abject terror brought to you by your socialist government's Systematic Victim Disarmament Program (SVDP).

Kudos on your verbal judo, but this kind of crap doesn't happen in other places.

At 4:08 PM, Anonymous Sweet said...

Taco Bell saves the day. You should be their new spokesman.

At 7:14 PM, Anonymous Aaliyah said...

Oh, el guapo! Eres lo MAS chistozo. I just stumbled across your blog y I have not laughed so hard in a long time. Gracias por keeping me muy entertained a mi trabajo!

At 10:23 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I work in a LEGO store and those stupid kids with those stupid wheelie shoes (Called "Heelys", for the record) are EVIL. They constantly crash into things because they don't know how to...move in those things.

Occasionally, to be the evil teen-somethings we are, we'll conveniently knock loose LEGO bricks in their way so their shoes get effed up and they fall.

It's evil, yet so gratifying.

Con Amor-

At 4:42 PM, Blogger K said...

i'd like a pair of those skate shoes... i think it would make me a much more efficient person in general.

If you had them, you could have out run them.

At 11:43 AM, Blogger emeralda said...

i am still making weird noises, it sounds almost like crying, from laughing. i snorted even and my roommate woke up. damnit why are you so fucking funny?

At 12:00 AM, Blogger Crankster said...

El Guapo, you continue to inspire me. A perfect response.

At 1:52 PM, Anonymous potato said...

I'm at work, crying from laughter. I have never laughed so heartily, honestly. Thank you for sharing your world with us.


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