Intervention

“El Guapo, I am convinced that you have developed a vagina.”

Miguel is angry because I haven’t been in the mood to be his wing man.

“El Guapo, I am seriously concerned about you and have brought all of your friends here today to tell you that you have a problem.”

Miguel has staged an intervention for me because my “game” has retired.

“We stand here, today, in front of you, to tell you that you need to snap out of whatever it is that is making you have a vagina and come back to being the old El Guapo.”

Miguel equates my not being in the mood to pick up women with having a vagina. He has gathered most of my friends under false pretenses. Many of them like that I am no longer the scavenger Miguel has become.

“Miguel, leave the man alone. He is retired. He no longer wishes to prey on the nieves around town. El Guapo has become mature and responsible.”

“Vincente! I did not invite you to this intervention. You too have a vagina and must deal with your demons in another way. There are too many vaginas in this room right now and you must leave at once!”

I like Vincente. He has been with the same woman for over 5 years. They have the type of relationship that everyone wishes they have one day. He completes his her sentences. She can order his dessert when he is in the restroom. They still hold hands and steal kisses from one another. I like being around them. Everyone likes being around them. They are in love without being annoying.

“Miguel, you just want El Guapo around because you can’t do the same things with Modelo.”

Modelo is a childhood friend who is a fantastic person until he starts drinking. He is that person who I have seen drink an entire case of beer by himself. He is not what Miguel looks for in a wing man.

“Vincente, you are forbidden to ever attend an intervention again. I never even invited you. Like I said, guys with vaginas are not allowed to be here. You must leave. Your vaginitis is starting to spread to the others and we can not afford to have an entire DC Latino male population suffering from what you have. Do you want the gringos to come after our women in retaliation?”

Miguel truly believes that one day the gringo men of the world will unite and take all of the Latina women in retaliation for decades of our ravishing their women. He speaks of this when he eats too many chips.

“El Guapo, por favor. Come back to the world. The nieves have started to forget about the legend of El Guapo.”

At that moment, as I saw the gold chains flay about over mi amigo’s mustard colored shirt, I realized one thing. I needed more gold chains. Oh si, I also realized that I had little desire to be the man some of my friends wanted me to be. This is my journey. I am going to make my own path.

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo