El Guapo in DC

I am El Guapo. The most Guapo man in all of DC. Mucho Amor

Thursday, January 25, 2007


I was in Seattle this week. What was a drop dead gorgeous Guatemalan like me doing in Seattle?

Legally, I am unable to get into very much detail. I will tell you, however, that it involved a bag of peanuts, a braided leather belt and a horrible miscommunication with the staff of a major airliner. This and that happened, and I am able to fly for free within the continental United States on a carrier I am unable to mention in any way shape or form.

I never really took full advantage of this “settlement” because of my fear of leaving the confines of my beloved Washington DC. But I realize that sometimes I should give different cities the benefit of the doubt and grace them with my Guatemalan presence.

Let me tell you my friends, Seattle needs more Guatemalans.

I had a very hard time differentiating between the homeless and the Seattle natives. They all dress exactly the same. It is as if the Seattle residents suffered through a giant flannel grenade that was tossed in the middle of the city. Sad really… Muy triste.

No one ever told me that Seattle was colonized by the lost tribe of the Ugly People. I know, I know. I am being mean. Maybe the people that go out during the day and night on Tuesdays and Wednesdays aren’t Seattle’s finest. Maybe all the good looking people in the entire city of several million were sick. Maybe I was there on their off days. But hombre… I read somewhere that Seattle is a great place for single people. The reason for that is because no one wants to commit to another ugly person. They await their magical Guatemalan to better their ugly genes so their offspring needn’t suffer to a lifetime of averagidity (new word invented just for Seattle).

On a random note, I will say that all the good looking people in Seattle seem to be working in the restaurant business. Good people, good food, good times.

Ok, Seattle, bueno. I went to their famed Seattle Art Museum, but it was closed. Ok, fine, so I walked to the Seattle Aquarium and saw some otters, seals and sharks swim around. It was fun. Like watching milk congeal.

So then I went to the World Famous Pike Place Fish Market. You know the one where they toss fish around? The people that worked there were very nice, but I didn’t see them toss around any fish. When do they toss the fish? I was in Seattle wanting to see fish getting tossed. Nothing. No tossing.

Did I mention the homeless and the non-homeless dressing exactly alike? I did? Ok, well let me mention that the homeless of Seattle are the most aggressive that I have ever seen in mi vida. If you make eye contact, like I am known to do, they will ask you for money. If you do not give them money, they will follow you. I was followed for two blocks by what seemed to be a flannelled up, 35 year old, taller and brunette version of Kurt Cobain. I was debated taking off my shoes to beat him, but then I decided against it. He disagreed with my decision to not give him money and I accepted this.

I was getting harassed by the homeless quite often. How did they know I was a tourist? Oh yes. I remember know. I am muy guapo.

Seattle is, by far, one of the most beautiful places on Earth. Maybe being surrounded by so much natural beauty makes the residents of Seattle give up on looking halfway decent. I do not know. I do know, that it Dios was happy to have me in Seattle because it did not rain, not once, while I was there.

I kept being told by residents to not tell anyone on the East coast about the great weather they're having. They didn't want any more of "us" moving there. Don't worry.

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo


At 8:23 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I always thought I wanted to visit Seattle. Now I know I should not waste my time and money going there. Thanks for saving me the hassle.

There are plenty of other places to go....... More than I'll ever see in my lifetime, probably.

At 8:36 PM, Blogger Lee said...

I am giggling in my red wine.

Very, very messy.

At 10:46 PM, Anonymous Bob said...

I am assuming that Seattle has a substantial Argentine population, verdad?

At 10:59 PM, Blogger Across The River said...

I must figure out a way to work "flannel grenade" into future conversations.

At 11:59 PM, Blogger Foilwoman said...

Flannel grenade! Was there a birkenstock and Teva attack or air drop as well? Maybe delivered by special flametrhower to the feet?

At 12:07 PM, Blogger NurseWhoLvdMe said...

American Idol was just in Seattle. It was such a freak-show that they decided never to go back again.

At 2:16 PM, Blogger Phil said...

You should visit San Francisco, where people decide to be a bum as a profession.

At 3:21 PM, Blogger Andraste said...

The first people I ever met from Seattle insisted that it was the 'coolest' city in the world. Then they told a very cool friend of mine not to move there because he wasn't cool enough.

Sounds absolutely charming.

At 4:18 PM, Anonymous Tacoma! said...

I'm from the area, and I call myself "Seattle Hot" and "Seattle skinny" because really, I'm average in the normal world, good lookin' for the area.

At 4:21 PM, Blogger Mujer Morena said...

I can't believe you were just in my city, El Guapo. Unfortunately, you seemed to have stuck to the um, un-brown parts of the city. No wonder you saw so much flannel and horrid clothing. And yes, all of us beautiful people do work in restaurants.

At 6:26 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

So torn, so very torn. On one hand I am laughing about your post about my Emerald City because yes, it does seem as if a flannel grenade was exploded there. On the other had, I am not sure if I should be insulted about the ugly people. Maybe because we get so much rain and most of us are that pasty and sickly white color that we try to pass for a tan.

But since I reside farther south where all the cute single girls happen to live, I'll think I'll just chortle my but off while enjoying my Starbucks. Sorry you didn't enjoy your trip.

At 7:47 PM, Blogger Velvet said...

HA! I love that they still wear flannel there.

And yes, west coast homeless people don't look like what we are used to seeing for homeless people. I'm not sure why. I never did figure that out.

At 7:56 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I thought Seattle was bad when I first moved here too, but now I love it. If you want to see beautiful women though, you should have gone three hours north to Vancouver.

At 2:24 PM, Blogger Rebecca said...

I don't even know what to say, El Guapo. I feel like I need to respond to your post point by point, starting with the unfortunate fact that if you want to see fish thrown, you have to buy a fish. Sad, I know.

When I left Seattle and went to Italy, I thought Italians were amazingly beautiful. Then I realized they were just average to ugly people with great hair and great shoes who smoked far to much. Seattlelite have neither great hair nor great shoes, and few smoke at all.

And when I was driving to work the other day, I too was amazed by all the ugly people, but I know that there are many gorgeous people here, so where could they have been that morning that I was astounded by the ugly? Maybe they're just hard to spot because the really gorgeous people are on their bikes and moving too quickly.

Also, my theory as to why Seattle is a great place for singles if that it is because Microsoft is across the water, and they import boys.

But, El Guapo, you should have let me give you a tour of Seattle. Then you would have seen how beautiful it really is.

And finally, Seattle could without a doubt use more Guatamalans. That's pretty much what I've been saying since I got here.

At 11:54 AM, Anonymous Melissa said...

I agree with "across the river". I must find a way to use "flannel grenade" in everyday conversation!

At 1:54 PM, Blogger Kim Ayres said...

Isn't Seattle home to Frasier? I thought the city was full of psychiatrists getting involved in hilarious japes and faux pas.

Have I been mislead all these years?

At 6:03 PM, Anonymous class-factotum said...

It's easy to be a professional bum in San Francisco- they pay you to be homeless there.

And then can't figure out why the homeless population keeps increasing.

At 8:00 PM, Blogger Savannah said...

ACH! I lived all my life in the Seattle area until about a year ago, when I moved to Chicago-land in Illinois, and I have to say that your commentary was so dead on that I actually couldn't laugh (might also have to do with the fact that I am sick and exhausted).

After having been out of that part of the country for a substantial time, returning for Christmas left me with the exact same impressions you yourself had of the city. The problem is that most Seattlites never leave, and so have no idea how truly messed up they are.

If you wanted beautiful, you should have gone on the islands. There you would also find 'new money' and 'snooty', but beautiful.


At 5:52 PM, Blogger Kyla said...

Seattle's awesome. I don't know what the hell y'all are talking about. El Guapo obviously spent all his time in downtown and Belltown, where the flannel grenade hit back in 1987. All the rad people live in other neighborhoods either north or south of downtown. So come again and give it another try... and find the right places this time.

At 11:58 PM, Blogger Crankster said...

Pacific northwest women also look like Kurt Cobain. Or Brad Pitt. Regardless, they're scary, tall, masculine, and blonde.

At 11:27 AM, Blogger ELI said...

The Seattle natives thank you very much for dissuading more people from coming here.


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