I was in Seattle this week. What was a drop dead gorgeous Guatemalan like me doing in Seattle?
Legally, I am unable to get into very much detail. I will tell you, however, that it involved a bag of peanuts, a braided leather belt and a horrible miscommunication with the staff of a major airliner. This and that happened, and I am able to fly for free within the continental United States on a carrier I am unable to mention in any way shape or form.
I never really took full advantage of this “settlement” because of my fear of leaving the confines of my beloved Washington DC. But I realize that sometimes I should give different cities the benefit of the doubt and grace them with my Guatemalan presence.
Let me tell you my friends, Seattle needs more Guatemalans.
I had a very hard time differentiating between the homeless and the Seattle natives. They all dress exactly the same. It is as if the Seattle residents suffered through a giant flannel grenade that was tossed in the middle of the city. Sad really… Muy triste.
No one ever told me that Seattle was colonized by the lost tribe of the Ugly People. I know, I know. I am being mean. Maybe the people that go out during the day and night on Tuesdays and Wednesdays aren’t Seattle’s finest. Maybe all the good looking people in the entire city of several million were sick. Maybe I was there on their off days. But hombre… I read somewhere that Seattle is a great place for single people. The reason for that is because no one wants to commit to another ugly person. They await their magical Guatemalan to better their ugly genes so their offspring needn’t suffer to a lifetime of averagidity (new word invented just for Seattle).
On a random note, I will say that all the good looking people in Seattle seem to be working in the restaurant business. Good people, good food, good times.
Ok, Seattle, bueno. I went to their famed Seattle Art Museum, but it was closed. Ok, fine, so I walked to the Seattle Aquarium and saw some otters, seals and sharks swim around. It was fun. Like watching milk congeal.
So then I went to the World Famous Pike Place Fish Market. You know the one where they toss fish around? The people that worked there were very nice, but I didn’t see them toss around any fish. When do they toss the fish? I was in Seattle wanting to see fish getting tossed. Nothing. No tossing.
Did I mention the homeless and the non-homeless dressing exactly alike? I did? Ok, well let me mention that the homeless of Seattle are the most aggressive that I have ever seen in mi vida. If you make eye contact, like I am known to do, they will ask you for money. If you do not give them money, they will follow you. I was followed for two blocks by what seemed to be a flannelled up, 35 year old, taller and brunette version of Kurt Cobain. I was debated taking off my shoes to beat him, but then I decided against it. He disagreed with my decision to not give him money and I accepted this.
I was getting harassed by the homeless quite often. How did they know I was a tourist? Oh yes. I remember know. I am muy guapo.
Seattle is, by far, one of the most beautiful places on Earth. Maybe being surrounded by so much natural beauty makes the residents of Seattle give up on looking halfway decent. I do not know. I do know, that it Dios was happy to have me in Seattle because it did not rain, not once, while I was there.
I kept being told by residents to not tell anyone on the East coast about the great weather they're having. They didn't want any more of "us" moving there. Don't worry.