Prozac
Lately, I have found myself closing my eyes before looking into the mirror.
It is not anything unnecessarily dramatic, but there is a pause.
Do you ever fear that you will not like the person looking back at you? Do you ever feel that the smiles will stop?
Mistakes. I have made them. I have learned from them. But what if I made a mistake so big that no lesson can be learned? What if a mistake is so great that I have to go through life constantly pausing before looking in the mirror? What if the mere sight of my own face results in a reminder of that mistake?
An anonymous commenter (it’s always the anonymous ones) suggested I take some Prozac to stop complaining. Maybe he is right. Maybe I need some chemical influence to stop my mind from racing and making me pause before looking in the mirror.
I have memorized every crevice of my bedroom ceiling because I stare upwards as I pray for sleep to take me away. Yet when the sleep comes, she is there. She is always there. She haunts my thoughts and my dreams.
What do you do when you are reminded of a woman when you feel a cool breeze across your face? Do the pauses stop?
Patience. Time. These things, they say, heal all. I do not believe this. Not today. Some things do not heal.
I would like to meet they. Ellos. They who come up with the sayings that are supposed to make you feel better. Misery loves company; better to have loved and lost than never loved at all; time heals all… They are idiots.
Today, I saw a man stop in the middle of the street to enjoy the sunshine on his face. He stopped, looked upward and smiled. I think he even sang. How amazing it must be to enjoy the warmth of the sun on your face. I would like to have this again.
Give me the Prozac. Por favor.
Mucho Amor,
El Guapo
posted by El Guapo in DC @ 1:27 AM
28 Comments:
Not to be insensitive, El Guapo, but if a parent can go on after a child has died, then so will you have happiness again. Maybe not the same happiness you had otherwise, but please try to gain perspective. I feel your pain. But things will get better. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not the day after, but eventually. Meanwhile, you have my empathy, for however much (or little) it is worth.
Sorry to hear how things are going, I know how much this time can suck, we've pretty much all been there. The best I can suggest is make some changes to your life, get out and try something new. Try to shift the focus from the past to the future. Good luck.
I understand exactly what you are going through. I put the jewelry away, erased the messages, took down the pictures...he's still there. Everytime I close my eyes, he is there. It's hard.
I can't get mad at "they" though. I can only pray that "they" are right and time will make this better. Until then, you have us, your readers:-)
Prozc is good for some but it certainly does not cure heartache. Besides, will make you fat which will diminish your chapin gorgeousness.
Prozc is good for some but it certainly does not cure heartache. Besides, will make you fat which will diminish your chapin gorgeousness.
Oh El Guapo! Que lastima! Mira, a couple of years ago I dated this guy and he told me we were going to get married...blah blah blah. The all of a sudden he just drops off the face of the earth...joder. I get no phone calls no nada. I thought I loved him. Those couple months after we broke up I felt just like you. I was calling in to work, crying all the time. But it will get better. No te preocupes. But it may take some time and that's okay. Let yourself feel what you need to feel and don't let anyone give you any s**t about it. Once you start to feel better you'll see it was worth it. Because every heartache will lead you to the woman of your dreams and you will appreciate her more because of what you've been through. Trust me. Te sientes mejor!
Some things do not heal.
:(
If you miss her so much, get her back. Life is too short to waste it on regrets.
What you did and where you are now, shapes the person you will be. In the future you will not look back and regret your decisions as you will know they shaped the person you have become.
When you meet the woman you really are meant to be with, you will know that the decisions made now were the right ones.
You just need to find the way to get from this point in time to that point in time.
I concur with most of the comments I read. Time really does heal all, even if it's only a thin line between "healing" and "gaping wound". I may be young, but I have loved and lost.
Even though time does heal all, time waits for no man. Si quisieras ella, vaya!
Prozac will not make anything better, nor will any other drug, concoction, or liquid. It will numb the pain, but when the numbness wears off, the pain is still there.
And besides, remember DARE:
Drugs
Are
Really
Expensive.
Con mucho amor y mucho esperanza,
-Genius
Don Guapo,
If it was true love - that really abiding, deep love that you only come across once, maybe twice in a lifetime - it will never completely heal. But you know that. You'll still have occasional thoughts about her when you're 80, but the pain will be reduced to a wistful dull ache.
It's been eight years since I was devestated by mi linda, una nicaraguensa preciosa. Now, I probably think about what 'could have been' once a month or so. Not so much with regret sino out of curiosity.
One consoling thought: I think that before most people are ready to find and marry their true soulmate, they have to have their heart destroyed, then painstakingly rebuild it. My rebuilding effort took three years, but I couldn't be happier than I am now, married to the one I was meant to be with, with two gorgeous children. May your rebuilding period be much shorter than that and may you find your soulmate soon thereafter.
Bob
El Guapo, I can really feel for you. About two years ago I got horribly, miserably, and cruelly dumped, and it was a black hole from which I could not see any glimmer of hope. I was lost. On some days I just hoped to not wake up until, say, two years after -- in order to not deal with the present.
I would tell anyone in your place to be as sad as you have to be, and not to rush into wellness. Feel everything and let it wash over you.
One foot in front of the other, and slowly, you will arrive into that place where the pain from this momen would have been reduced to a dull ache and where you can't stop your happiness you deserve from seeping in.
Sorry I'm not good at comforting but I think that at some point (not necessarily right now but hopefully soon) you need to decide to move on with your life and be el guapo that you are.
I bought flan for the first time today because of you.
You can never make a mistake so grave that no lesson can be learned. Trust me. And don't take the Prozac.
Girl and dog says, "If you miss her so much, get her back. Life is too short to waste it on regrets. " ----> HOW STUPID! You are so dumb; you don't even know what happened between them.. what an insensitive and thoughtless advice....
Oh El Guapo,
My heart knows your heart.
I am one of "they". But I earned membership and the right to believe ... because I lived through it.
The day will come when you feel compelled to stop, raise your beautiful mustache to the sky, and let the sun kiss your face.
This is what I wrote one, and two years after my heart broke. It might help ... and for that chance I risk sharing it ; )
http://mysweetpeas.blogspot.com/2006/11/i-want-it-to-be-okay-now.html
Not all wounds heal, but at some point you'll have a moment and say, "Yo, this moment ain't all the fucking bad." Then you'll wait for the next moment and the next, maybe even look for them.
i agree wtih all those people who say that you should feel bad as long as you need to. even if it's all your fucking life long. the only thing i would never agree with is, that any wound in this world would be worth to end your life but other than that, i know that sounds corny too, but matter of factly a lot of fucking cool art and music and poetry and books came from that wound.
i got my heart broken last july and i still cry myself to sleep sometimes. it's fucked up, especially because i don't know whether this was it or is there a going back/? or a forward with the same person again? my heart was so broken that i can't open up to ANYONE< even not HIM like that anymore....but yeah, after four, five months of banging my head LITERALLY at my bedroom walls that I hardly ever left I sometimes skip on the street and laugh at the full moon.
happens, man, happens.
we get more cautious, and that's sad but then again, i agree with the dude who said sometimes we have to rebuild our heart before being ready for the soulmate.
i broke up with the guy who really thought i was his soulmate. that was a couple of years ago and now he is going to marry the girl he got together with because of me breaking up with him
now i want to be at that wedding
haha
so lalal, i m sure you couldn't care less.
let it rain on you
all the love
mucho amor
emeralda
So sorry. You bring back a lot of memories. My marriage ended two years ago. For two years I have lived in the same house and the same city in Canada where I was with my husband, while he left things far behind, returning to his home in France. I stayed here simply because I didn't know where else to go or what else to do. I wanted to run away, but there is no outrunning the pain and I needed the stability of familiar people and places.
The thing that hurt the most was that my dreams dryed up when my ex left.... all my dreams had been with him. But 2007 has started fantastically - I have a new job and am moving to the United States for six months on a consulting assignment. I finally feel at peace and excited about moving on, even without my ex, who I loved more than anything else in the world.
The cliche is so true - time does a lot to heal. But I will never forget my ex -- nor do I want to. He's part of me.
God bless.
ps. sure, numbing sometimes sounds like a good idea, but since i am passionate about this issue (am going through something like this myself but then again, for everyone there is a different world) i have to say: i personally think that facing the pain and going straight through it is the best way to get somewhere new. or, with more strength. the point is, we ARE strong enough to even survive when our child gets killed. or when we like Christopher Reeve get paralyzed from head to toe and all our dreams PLUS making love are fucking gone. Somebody else mentioned that numbing isn't cool since the pain will come back when you stop. i think so too. i had planned to go to brazil to a great youth conference that my sister had organized. meet my dad after one year not seeing family.
but i blew it off since i wanted to be all by myself, facing the pain. working it through. fuck all those friends who think you have to go and party and kiss somebody else. what ever! that's horrible! it makes you think of that other person way too much. Chruchill once said, if you are going through hell, keep going!
i agree
A year ago you were missing Mercedes who made your whole body smile when she sang off key. Only to happily replace her with a girl who used overpriced shampoo and took you to wine and cheese parties. I am sorry I brought up prozac, but really, come on, El G, it's time to man up.
wow i didn't know that! el guapo! my personal soap took an unexpected twist with anonymous comment...lol. and i can't email since there is no emal address to be found anywhere
Guapito,
Take ur time...mope around if thats how u feel...its gonna take a long time to get over her...and dont date or go out until ur over her cause u will compare all girls to her...and none will be pretty or smart enough...
one day, u will wake up and it will not hurt as much......so now...chat online, read books, listen to reggeaton, and watch tv....this coming from a woman that is finally able to wake up and face life after her husband of 9 yrs cheated on her (after she had already forgave him for doing it once).....I know u can do it ;)
My Wasband of 9 years left me for the Sea a year and a half ago...and it took me a year to quit being mad and hurt and now I am so happy to be free of someone who didn't know who I was.
I am so glad you shared your life here, because reading other people's comments has really touched me and reminded me how very very human each and every one of is. And sometimes it takes a lifetime to move on. (I still have a hope in my heart for my very first love...no matter how tiny.)
I would like to say something reassuring and clicheed, but I can't. The simple fact is that misery is a significant part of life. There's really no way to sugar coat this, and the only bright side, such as it is, is that the depths of your unhappiness can be equaled by the heights of your joy. Better yet, having experienced misery, you will recognize and appreciate joy when it happens.
I have to believe that this will be the case for you, El Guapo. If a beautiful moustache can't turn the cards in your favor, what can?
¿Qué queda? llorar a ella, apenarse. tortura a si mismo. y, de veras, el tiempo va a curarse un poquito. Moi, je préfère le Lexapro à le Prozac. Il est moins des effets pervers.
Every time I look in the mirror I have to force myself to deal with the task at hand and not pick myself apart. Not just physically, but like you were saying, for mistakes.
I don't think Prozac will help me, though I'm sure I'd be diagnosed with some sort of clinical something or other.
Taking each day as it comes, for me, is key. Don't deal with what was, or what will be, deal with what's in front of you in the best way you can at the time. And know that it's the best you can do. Then do it again tomorrow. Eventually time passes, pain eases, and/or in the very least you have confidence to deal with each day of your life.
No te preocupes, mijo.
5 years ago, I was like you, angry at "them". 5 years wiser, I am now one of "them".
Life is suffering..
Be strong, el guapo. Time is the healer.. But it does inflict almost unbearable pain upon you first.
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