El Guapo in DC

I am El Guapo. The most Guapo man in all of DC. Mucho Amor

Monday, January 09, 2006

I don't know Jose!!!

I don’t know Jose. I know a Jose. Actually, I know about 75 Jose’s, but I don’t know the one that you’re talking about. I don’t fucking know him.

It may be hard for you to understand, but not all people from Guatemala in DC know each other. We don’t emit a scent that makes us know each other. We’re not animals (don’t listen to the pinche Costa Ricans!).

Why the tone? I will tell you amigos. I decided to go to the Black Cat this weekend to forget about things. You know, my Mercedes is no longer mine and Miguel thought it would be a good idea to be around many white people. He said it would make me forget.

I like white people. I have many white friends, but sometimes people in this city are plain idiotas or as my good amigo would say: douche bags.

I walk into the Black Cat and go to the bar and immediately a man with perfectly manicured sideburns says to me: “Hola mi amigo.” Listen pendejo, I’m not your amigo. Believe it or not, many of us have been in this country for a long time. Sure, we may wash your clothes and clean your house, but along the way we picked up your language. This is how we will eventually take over things, but I digress…

So, my new “amigo” decides he wants to show off to his friends by speaking Spanish to me. By the way, this is annoying and we hate it. If you try to speak to one of us and see that we don’t speak English THEN switch to your Spanish. Don’t insult us by talking about Destinos. Anyway, my new douche-bag amigo:

“Como esta usted?” To his friends: “I was a Spanish lit minor in college.” Oh, great, now I have to decide if I want to play along with Capitan Neruda or break my Corona bottle over his head. Oh yes, we do drink Coronas. All of us. Yes, with the lime. I know.

I try to tell Senor Neruda that I speak English, but he insists in Spanish:

“I like to speak Spanish amigo. I only get to do it when I’m back home in Miami.” All of a sudden he develops a Cuban accent. He says it Mee-ah-mee. I would like very much to kick him in the face. “So, what restaurant do you work at?” Ave Maria, Holy Mary….. I tell him in very perfect English so his friends can understand that not all of us work in a restaurant. His friends laugh and he becomes angry.

Of course Miguel, being the pinche cabron that he is, says that he does. Neruda knows the restaurant and asks if he knows Jose. “Little short guy, mustache, always wears a hat, swears a lot. You have to know him. If you’re from Guatemala, you definitely know him.”

Short, mustache, hat, swears a lot… Yes my flipped-up-collar friend I know him. I know 500 of him.

I try to explain that there are several thousands of Guatemalans in the DC area and we don’t all know each other.

Know what happened next? Fucking Miguel did know this Jose and it ended up being one of his inbred cousins.

So, although I was trying to make a point, this man with the perfect sideburns and flipped up collar will for ever think that 1)We all know each other; 2)We are all related; 3)We all wash dishes.

I hate Miguel. I looked for the famous Aja, but she was no where to be found. I cried a little bit then I called Mercedes and hung up. Yes, even sexy Latinos like me drunk dial. Sometimes even my sexiness cannot be helped.

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo

PS: DCCookie, you are MUY guapissima. I did not know Canadians were so sexy like you.


At 8:01 AM, Blogger Rhinestone Cowgirl said...

This is fucking hilarious.

Dude with sideburns very, very much remminds me of someone I work with.

At 11:18 AM, Anonymous Aja said...

Dear El Guapo,

As you were enjoying the Cat that is Black, (BTW, how was the band?)I was puking and no one wants to be around a puke-er.

As for the popped up collar friend, how do you maintain such calm??? Did you ask him if he knew anyone in the KKK or was related to someone in his family, did he work at ENRON? See, I can't hang with you guys, we'll be in fights all the time, soy la Johhny Cochran de Latinos!!!

Brown and Down! Don't go to the other side!!!

At 11:49 AM, Blogger DC Cookie said...

Zing! Now, if I say 'gracias' do I lose points? Technically I'd say that if you were a flip-collar white boy too...

At 12:02 PM, Blogger El Guapo in DC said...

Mi amor, you can never lose points with me. Eres perfect in every way. Do you like the flip-collar white boys? I will stop going in the sun and flip my collor para ti mi amor.

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo

At 12:36 PM, Blogger Dudley said...

"Douche Bag," I just love that phrase.

I used to refer to one of the el salvadorian guys at a restaurant I used to work at, as "papi chulo." Fortunately he was a good sport about it. I got a little concerned when he started telling me how big his "pinga" was. When I figured out what "pinga" means I was a little concerned and stopped calling him "papi" after that . . . oops.

At 8:16 PM, Blogger DC Cookie said...

Be still my heart...

At 8:35 PM, Blogger El Guapo in DC said...

Zing? Be still my heart? I don't even know what this means. I hate sayings. But Cookie, you and your fellow bloginas make my corazon flutter.

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo

At 9:39 AM, Blogger Dudley said...

Nice work making it into the Express this morning!!!

At 10:15 AM, Anonymous Xicanaanna said...

Hola Guapo. Que tal? Que joda. You think you have had it bad? I live in DC...actually around your barrio, but I don't think I have seen you before. Maybe that was you playing soccer with the rest of the boot wearing mensos. Anyways.. I am a Mexican from Nebraska. Hombre..que chinga..The stories of being a Latina from the Midwest would make your head spin. Anyways..I work, live and love in DC now. I will pass your blog on to all the pendejos I know.

At 10:22 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Que honda,Mano. Spaking as another Guatemalan in DC, I don't know Jose either and I don't know the other Guatemalans! Man, that burns me. And I hate, HATE it when some random non hispanic (it's always the men) who says "Hola" or "Adios". Great Blog.

At 10:48 AM, Blogger DC Cookie said...

My sister just got back from Guatamala yesterday. She had a volcano-hiking guide named Miguel. You must know him?


At 1:27 PM, Blogger El Guapo in DC said...

Cookie, yes, if it was the Miguel by the volcano I know him. He is my third-cousin. That son of a bitch owes me three dollars. If your sister goes back, let me know because I have a message for that puto.

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo

At 10:13 PM, Blogger Namaste said...


You still soltero?

At 10:24 PM, Blogger El Guapo in DC said...

Yes. Mercedes has had her mind washed clean by her evil Costa Rican friends. I am in search of a nice Americana. Namaste, I saw your picture on Cookie's site. Eres muy guapa tambien!

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo

At 8:03 PM, Anonymous Mamasita said...

But Guapo, we need to see a picture of you!

At 8:28 PM, Blogger El Guapo in DC said...

Mamasita, you can not leave such a request without leaving a picture of yourself. I may be too guapo for you to handle mi querida.

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo

At 5:44 PM, Blogger tim maguire said...

Yes, Senor Neruda is a walking dildo, but is it really so terrible to speak Spanish to someone who knows English? I'm trying to learn Spanish and the more chances I get to practice it, the better (for me).

At 6:29 PM, Blogger El Guapo in DC said...

Please let me know if there is anything that Latinos can do to make your life easier. As long as you are happy then that is all that we live for. Todo para ti.

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo

At 1:36 PM, Blogger tim maguire said...

So there's two possibilities then. Either you have a caustic sense of humor that takes some getting used to or you're a total asshole.

People do small favors for each other all the time. People of all races, including me and (I assume without evidence) including you. Even for strangers. It's a big part of what the "civil" in civil society is all about.

At 3:33 AM, Blogger El Guapo in DC said...

Sr. Ignatius,

Los Dos. Look it up Spanish scholar.

The two aren't mutually exculusive.

Abracos y besos,

El Guapo

At 2:04 PM, Blogger Foilwoman said...

Okay, it's official. I don't know Jose, but I do want to know el Guapo. Or at least read more posts, anyway. Particularly the responses to the comments which are priceless. Eres el santo de mis devociones, hombre.


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