El Guapo in DC

I am El Guapo. The most Guapo man in all of DC. Mucho Amor

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Mi primo is an idiota

Mi primo was seething with excitement. I use the word “seething” only because my cousin, Omar, isn’t one to smile. Actually, I’ve never seen the man smile. I’ve only seen him seethe. So, today, as he showed what it was that was making seethe, I began to seethe myself.

Omar, mi querido primo Omar, bought a Vespa. It’s teal.

He violently pointed at his new Vespa (did I mention that it was teal?) with his palm and fingers closed in a vertical fashion.

“Mira-lo. It is going to save me dinero, time, and aggravation.”

My primo Omar bought a Vespa.

We walked around the Vespa like you would a Porsche or any other coche. I wasn’t really paying any attention to Omar since I could no longer take anything he said seriously. Ever. He, El Guapo’s primo, bought a teal power scooter. Shame will forever be present in the El Guapo casa.

I realize that it is not me who will have to be seen riding this Vespa through the pot-holed streets of DC, but it will be my cousin Omar. Did I mention that he has a matching teal helmet? Oh, si, he got a deal on the helmet. It's teal.

People in mi barrio know that Omar is my cousin. So, as he goes down 14th street violently honking the “horn”, people will say, “Mira, that’s El Guapo’s cousin riding the Vespa. Is it blue?”

“People think it’s blue, but it’s teal.”

Omar I hate you so much.

I don’t know who designed the Vespa. I could easily find out, but my dinero is on either the Italianos or the French. Someone envisioned riding this glorified bicycle with their Armani suit through the streets of either Paris or Milan. Quiza I’m being ignorante in blaming the French and the Italians, so I’ll actually look up who designed this.

Oh, look at that. Italianos. My apologies to the French. Lo siento. I still hate that you invented the beret, but I’ll give you a pass en este momento.

Yes, it gets good gas mileage. Yes, they’re easy to park. Yes, they’re cheaper than buying a car. But it’s a FUCKING Vespa!

Vespa, in Spanish (and probably in Italian) means Wasp. WASP, to El Guapo, means the guy who isn’t going to give me a job or let me date his daughter.

I can see the Armani-clad, sunglasses indoors Italian designer screaming “Mama-mia” and thinking he is a genius. I then see myself kicking him in the neck. Teal. What the hell color is that anyway?

My cousin Omar bought a Vespa. It’s teal. It’s fucking teal… Joder.

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo

17 Comments:

At 7:08 AM, Blogger theinebriantgrape said...

tal vez you secretly covet said vespa. tal vez.....

 
At 7:31 AM, Blogger Christopher Robin said...

I think your cousin is onto something, with a teal Vespa there isn't anyone out there who is going to steal it from him ;)

 
At 9:41 AM, Blogger Washington Cube said...

Omar is....METROMAN! Well..at least all of your readers will know Omar when they see him, because I'd wager there's not another teal Vespa out there on the streets of D.C.

 
At 10:41 AM, Blogger Velvet said...

There's a teal Vespa that lives on T street between 17th and 18th. But it's been there for at least a year.

 
At 10:43 AM, Blogger Foilwoman said...

Well, when I see a seething man riding a teal Vespa, with a matching teal helmut, I know what I'm going to do. I'm going to yell "Omar, por favor. Eres primo de El Guapo, no? Tienes que presentarme a este hombre tan intelligente, guapo, macho, y guatamalteco." Thank you for giving me the information I need to uncover your secret identity, El Guapo. I have been longing to meet you.

 
At 11:01 AM, Blogger always write said...

A wasp is also something easily splattered by a larger, heavier object. Good thing Omar bought that helmet.

 
At 11:27 AM, Blogger Andraste said...

I love Vespas, they're perfect for short commutes and easy to park in the city.

Teal though. I share your pain.

How would you feel if it was red?

 
At 11:51 AM, Blogger casey said...

It coulda been a Razor, one of those feet-powered scooters adults were favoring a couple of summers ago. Consider yourself lucky, pal.

 
At 2:18 PM, Anonymous La said...

You are killing me El Guapo! My sides are split, SPLIT! I damn Omar for the pain.

 
At 5:50 PM, Anonymous Ingrid said...

hola, el guapo. I have to tell you I spent the better part of my day reading your blog. I am so glad I stumbled upon it. You are hilarious and what's best chapin.

 
At 7:51 PM, Anonymous Duh-mension said...

It's okay El Guapo, ::pats back consolingly:: there's one in every family - both shameful vehicle and blood relative with really bad taste. Sigh...but deep down we must love them anyway.

 
At 8:09 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Make sure he sticks a Guadalupe statue on the handlebars, and maybe a sticker of Calvin peeing on something.

 
At 2:48 AM, Blogger Roonie said...

VESPAS are AWESOME! Will he take me for a ride?

 
At 6:15 PM, Blogger NewYorkMoments said...

El Guapo, I know that you're the guapoist & the intelienteist and the bravoist blah blah blah....but don't ever, ever, EVER give the French a pass...

gracias!

 
At 8:34 PM, Anonymous Mamasita said...

Guapo, Maybe your primito was trying to do match w/ the Guatemalan flag colors. I know our flag is not *teal* but it's kinda close.

 
At 9:17 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

AY CARAMBA! UNA VESPA!? jejeje

------Spanish Chikita

 
At 6:39 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

pity about the vespa.....you could start a rumour about the time when your cousin was a baby and fell on his head...
gotta question for you - what does mira mean?

 

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