Gracias. No thanks. Take care. Lube.

Que? No. I don’t think that will necesario Mr. Doctor. Just turn around and be on your merry way. I turn my head, I cough, you say again, I cough, everything is fine. That’s all I need. Gracias. Don’t look at me that way you son of a bitch. No. Maybe you don’t understand the words coming out of my mouth. Yes, I know that perhaps you have what the kids call a man-crush and look, I’m flattered. Really. But what you are suggesting isn’t going to happen. Not today, not tomorrow, I’m fine. Gracias. Take care. Hasta luego. Peace out. Later. Ciao. Turn around. I'm serious.

No, don’t grab that bottle of lube. Por favor. Maybe my rugged good looks are throwing you off a little bit. Yes, even someone as handsome as me can kick your gringo, bow-tie-wearing ass out of the 4th floor window. I swear to every single saint in the sky that if you come close to me with that bottle of lube there will be hell to pay.

Hey! Cabron! What the hell are you putting those gloves on for? No! I will NOT turn around. YOU turn around you sick hijo de una puta! Here, give me that lube. You have no business even having this lube. DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN! You calm down! Why do you want to do this test Mr. Ivy League fancy diploma on the wall? I read. I’m too young for this test. I’m seriously not going to turn around, so you can take off those gloves, wash your hands, write a note in my file and let me go.

How the hell do YOU know about my family history? Let me see. Oh, come on…. You’re going to believe this crap? Seriously, Mr. Doctor, come on. Do you really place any validity on what some doctor in Guatemala says? Vamos…. The same doctor that “diagnosed” my uncle also was responsible for caring for our cattle. Give me a break.

Fine. That sort of death doesn’t sound very appealing, so I will let you do your fancy little test on me, but you have ten seconds. So help me, if you’re in there for more than ten seconds I will not be as handsome. HEY! Whoa. What's going on here? Don’t, don't put that bottle of lube down hombre! I HAVE insurance. You lather on that lube like it’s your JOB. Come on, don’t be cheap. Yes, yes, you do need more. I said more!

…………….!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!........................

Why…… are you………. having a conversation with me right now? Are you really asking me if I’m uncomfortable? No. No! I’m not fucking comfortable right now. This very well may be the most UN-comfortable moment in my life. Does anyone say, “Si, Mr. Doctor. I am very comfortable. Es muy bueno. Take your time?” No, no one says this. Why do you ask me? In fact, I can’t guarantee that I won’t turn around and punch you in the face after you’re done. Dios mio! What in the name of holy hell is taking you so long? It’s not that big of an area! I told you to use more lube. Get the bottle! You need more lube! I don’t care that you’ve done this a thousand times. Hurry the hell up. Sweet Christo!

Of course everything is normal you bald rosy-faced bastard. How about you give me something to clean myself with? What the hell is this? You’re going to give me a two inch one-ply piece of paper? You can’t even have the common courtesy to give two-ply? Did you get this from a public restroom? Yes, I do need another piece of two inch paper, sir. Give me about ten.

Hey! Where are you going? Oh, you’re going to leave me here like this? In and out, huh? I see how it is. No, I won’t throw my blue robe in the basket. What do you think of that? That’s right. I fight to keep the man down. This robe is going to get tossed in the corner. How do you like that, bitch?

Wait! Um, en serio, can I have another one of those papers? Please?

Call me…

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo