Herpes of the Eye

Miguel has taken a liking to mi Linda’s pool. He has become a frequent visitor/guest/remote control holder. He is annoying at times, but it is bueno to have mi amigo around.

Neither of us had to work today, so we decided to hang out by the pool.

Most of the residents of this particular building are retired, so we were by far the youngest and most Guatemalan at the pool.

“Mira.” Miguel gestured with his chin with a backwards tilt of his head. “Did you see that?”

What?

“That old vieja. I think I saw a pube.”

Jesus Miguel. Don’t make me look at that.

“El Guapo, calm down. Don’t get all nervous around these people. They’re just upset because we’re not cleaning the pool. You know, I could get used to this.”

Maybe you’re right. Just don’t make me look at things like that.

Miguel put his hands behind his head and laid out on the yellow colored pool recliner. He had his Ray Ban’s and was truly enjoying life. I like Miguel. He doesn’t worry. He has no concerns. Sure, we have shed more than a tear over the years, but at the end of the day he just wants to be happy and smile. I like that about mi amigo. I’m jealous of this quality.

“Did you see that?”

What?

“All the gringos are wearing bikini briefs. If I were that gringo, the last thing in the world I would wear is that. Does he know that we can see his pinga? It’s not much of a pinga, but that’s what’s there.”

Why are you looking at that?

“El Guapo,” he taps my chest with the four fingers of his hand in a dismissive wave. “Come on. You were looking too. Just admit it. I think I’m going to wear one of those. Make all the ladies crazy.”

That’s a great idea…. Probably the best idea you’ve ever had. Make sure it’s a pretty color to match your pretty eyes….

The old person gazing went on for about another hour until thirty 10-year olds descended upon us like a herd of yapping Chihuahuas.

The children/Omen extra’s were directed by the Mongolian lifeguard that they needed to follow the following rules:

No screaming.
No splashing.
No going to the right side of the pool.
No pushing others into the water.
No diving.

“Just tell them they can’t have fun!”

Miguel, don’t. The lifeguard is cool.

“I’ve never seen an Oriental lifeguard before.”

Asian.

“Whatever. Think he can roll his r’s?”

Miguel asked me a couple of questions regarding the country of Mongolia and he finally became quiet after he discovered one of his favorite dishes hailed from that country.

“Think he knows how to make that? I love that.”

I ignored him for a while until several of the little Chihuahuas, who had been staring and pointing at us, followed their tall freckled leader over to speak to us.

“Hi.”

Hi.

“Do you guys live here?”

“His girlfriend does.”

“Oh, yeah, we didn’t think you lived here.”

Oh no…. The freckled pasty leader was brave and putting us down made his cohorts come closer to us.

“Why didn’t you think we lived here?”

“It doesn’t matter. Why aren’t you guys at work?”

We don’t have to work today. Why don’t you kids go play in the pool and have some pizza?

“Look kid, we had the day off.”

“What do you do?”

“I’m a waiter.”

“Figures. My dad said that all waiters are stupid asses.”

Oh no…. Dear Santo Antonio, por favor, please help Miguel find his self control. Por Favor. Not a scene. Not at mi Linda's pool. Santo Antonio, por favor.

“Oh si? Your papa said that? Well, I hope your dad gets herpes. I hope he gets herpes of the eye.”

Before Miguel even responded, I had already begun walking away. I agreed with Miguel. There is nothing worse than having someone insult what you do for a living, but he had wished an STD on a child’s father. While extremely funny now, I was terrified of the child’s bleach-blonde 35ish mother who was lurking close by.

“I’m telling my mom you said that!”

“Phhhht. Go ahead. She has the bottle of Valtrex herself. Go tell her."

I make eye contact with Miguel and he smirks...

"Tell her El Guapo says hello. Hey, Miguel! Espera!”

Miguel, you are a bastard. Bueno, I never really liked the pool anyway. I don't even own a bikini brief. But if I did, I'd surely look guapissimo.

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo