Couch buddy

Hombre, you need to scoot over.

“Look, this is my bed. I don’t know who the hell you think you are, but this is my bed. Mine. So if you don’t like that I sprawl, then go sleep on the floor.”

You sleep on the floor.

“Yeah, good comeback El Dicko.”

Nice. This is great. What’s your story anyway? You don’t look, sound or act very Brazilian.

“Dude, you wouldn’t know a Brazilian if they did the lambada all over your face.”

No, en serio, what’s your story?

“I’m adopted.”

Do you like this familia?

“Look kid, drop the whole Spanish thing with me. I get it. You’re a sexy, drop-dead gorgeous Guatemalan with a mustache. You don’t have to impress me. Much.”

Look, sorry. I speak Spanish. The Spanish gets mixed in there sometimes. What can I say? Thank you by the way. You’re the first person in this family to say you like my mustache.

“Well, I didn’t say I liked it. I said that you had one.”

Oh.

“Nah, man, look. This family is good. They’re very loyal to one another and like their food and drink. They go hunting every once in a while and take me with them. It’s not a bad gig really.”

Seems like you were adopted by a good family. Are you Brazilian?

“I’m a bit of a mix. They think I have some Portuguese in me, but definitely some German. I honestly have no idea.”

How about the one you always hang out with? Is he a relative of some kind?

“Yeah, he’s slow if you know what I mean. Good guy though. He’s been here longer than me. Real dumb, poor guy. He’s getting old though, so he’s happiest when he’s working on a full stomach and sitting in the shade.”

Look, not to be rude or anything, but when was the last time that you bathed?

“The Guatemalan is giving me bathing advice? Great! Look man, this is my basement. You’re sleeping on my couch. You deal with it. I jump in the river every once in a while, but I don’t really remember the last time I’ve been bathed with that smelly crap they like. Just deal with it. You’re making my eyes tear with your pharmacy-bought cologne, so just back off.”

Lo siento.

“Yeah, look, I don’t speak Mexican. But if you’re saying you’re sorry, well, don’t worry about it. Just go to sleep and let’s act like this conversation never happened.”

Ok.

“Hey, do you have any of those chips left? I’m starving over here.”

I was told that you weren’t to have any chips.

“Stupid Brazilians… Hey man, tomorrow, do you want to throw the stick around tomorrow? You throw it far, I go and get it, then I bring it back to you. You do that a couple of times and I’ll put in a good word for you. What do you say?”

I can do that. Gracias. I really appreciate the gesture.

“Yeah, whatever. Just don’t be spooning me like the last guy. I will bite that mustache right off.”

Last guy? What the…..

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo