El Guapo in DC

I am El Guapo. The most Guapo man in all of DC. Mucho Amor

Monday, May 22, 2006

Shaving Surgery

Mira, I’m a bit drugged right now.

I’m typing with one hand as my arm is in a contraption designed to keep me down. It is maroon in color. How dare they give a Guatemalan a maroon sling… It just took me 2 minutes to write that last sentence. Does it hurt? Well, thanks to these beautiful white pills it doesn’t hurt so badly. Who painted the ceiling yellow?

Bueno, I had a plan to write about my experience from arriving to the hospital to leaving etc. I have since changed my mind. Not because of a lack of moments, but because algo happened to me at the hospital that has struck my beautiful Guatemalan soul to its core. I’m at a loss for words. Well, not really at a loss of words, but this is your American saying and I’m drugged and you have to deal with how I borrow your language. What was I talking about? Ah yes, I’m at a loss for words. (But not really.)

So here comes a woman with blonde hair to tell me that she’s going to give me something to make me relax.

Sweet, sweet Drugs….. Sweet, sweet legal drugs. This is, of course, what I am thinking.

Liar! If by “relax” you meant to say “knock you on your Guatemalan ass” then I wish you had just said that. I am Guatemalan. I have suffered at the hands of jealous boyfriends for many years. I know what it is to be knocked out. Please do not lie to me. I will remember your face oh blonde doctor woman. I will remember.

I wake up with a man clapping in my face. There is a rule I have to punch anyone who claps in my face, but for some reason I thought it to be funny. He was some sort of minority and was clapping to a beat. I started to sing a song but was asked to keep it down. I almost went into a rant about being Guatemalan when I noticed something.

Mi Linda had just made her way into the recovery room when she saw the puzzled look on my face.

“What’s wrong my darling?”

Wrong? Something is terribly wrong.

“Baby, you just had surgery. Of course something is wrong, but not terribly wrong. Are you sick?”

No. I do not get sick.

“Yes, I know, you’re Guatemalan… Seriously. Baby. Do you feel sick?”

Mi Linda, my leg. It’s, it’s different.

“You mean your shoulder? Yes, your shoulder is all bandaged up.”

My hands had somehow managed to explore their way underneath the hospital gown and were feeling something odd on my leg.

Mi Linda, something is terribly wrong. Some hijo de una puta shaved my leg!

Now, mi Linda was very good about trying to contain her laughter, but as I showed her my newly smooth thigh, she couldn’t help but smile.

Now, I like her smile, but this was no smiling matter. I had been violated. That blonde doctor was seriously going down.


I saw some old man in a Lazy-Boy type of chair laugh at this, but hey, his gown was pink, did he know this?

A nurse ran into my curtained room to see what the matter was.

Mira, El Bigote (The Mustache), come here. Some funny guy, and I think it was that blonde doctor, decided that it would be a funny joke to shave my leg. Now, I’m not sure what kind of operation you’re running here, but if I come in for a shoulder surgery I don’t want anything below my stomach to be touched. Shoulder is up here. Thigh is down there. Understand?

“El Guapo, they do that because they had a monitor on your leg during the surgery.”

This male nurse was very quick with his answers. Almost too quick for my tastes. He must surely be jealous of mi mustache. His was nice, but not Guatemalan. You could tell.

Hey! Did they shave your leg? I yelled this across the room to another guy my own age. He wasn’t Guatemalan either. Was I the only Guatemalan in here? Do they need special tools for me?

“Probably dude. I had knee surgery.”

Check your arms then. They’re tricky here.

I was getting “shhhhhhh’d” by both Linda and the male nurse with the mustache. He handed the plastic bag containing my clothes and asked her to start getting me ready.

Check to see if my wallet is in there. That blonde doctor probably stole it after she shaved my leg. Mi Linda, go find that blonde doctor.

“El Guapo, I’m not going to find the blonde doctor right now. We’ll find her later.”

Mi Linda was very amused by all of this, but she willingly shaves her legs. I am not a swimmer. I am not a biker. I am not Argentinean. I do not shave my legs. I WILL find that blonde doctor. Guess how many candles are being lit tonight to aid in my search for this unnecessary leg shaving doctor? Well, none. For some reason Dios doesn’t like to help in my spite-driven tirades. I will do this on my own.

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo

PS: Surgery went well and I’m on pain medication. I now know why gringos become addicted to this. Mi Linda is starting to be a bit stingy with the pain medication, but I’m ok for now.


At 11:09 PM, Anonymous Pamela Worth said...

Glad you're ok El Guapo!!!

Your leg hair will grow back soon :)

At 11:17 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mr. Guapo, Perhaps the blonde doctor had never seen beautiful Guatemalan leg hair before. Did you check her desk? Maybe it's sitting there, like a trophy, a litte piece of guaponess to hold and cherish in remembrance of that fateful surgical day. Hmmm... a few hairs for a few little white pills... not too bad. I mean, they'll grow back, won't they? After all, you ARE Guatemalan, no? Claro! Get well soon, or ask tu Linda to type for you! -(el)Raincouver

At 8:35 AM, Blogger HomeImprovementNinja said...

GEt better, Guapo. One positive side effect from the surgery is that the anesthesia is still inside you for a while.

When I had surgery they told me no alcohol whatsoever for 48 hours. I said, "okay...only light alcohol for the first 12 hours." "NO! I said 48 hours". I nodded, but mentally/silently negotiated it back down to twelve. I went to a party the next day and had a beer and a half and the whole room was spinning. I don't know what they put in that anesthhesia, but it could my bar bill down to pennies. My friends and I could all get surgery then split a Corona and all get wasted.

At 11:30 AM, Blogger Rev. Smokin Steve said...

I have had shoulder surgery myself, and know of your pain.

But they didn't shave my leg. I avoided that. I guess I was lucky.

Enjoy the buzz.

At 12:08 PM, Blogger la senora del hombre said...

guapo, debes afeitar to otra pierna que enpareja tan!

At 12:14 PM, Blogger jaymichaelrivera said...

Ahhhh! You've discovered LEGAL drugs. Suburban white America's best friend. Check out Mother's Little Helper.

I play this situational ethics game with my wife called "What Would Whitey Do?" It's inspired by all of those "What Would Jesus Do?" tchotckies from a few years ago. Although my grandfather was a Dust Bowl immigrant to California from Arkansas, we are, culturally speaking, very Mexican and are often caught flat footed with creature comforts immigrants are slow to catch on to.

So, the next time you're in pain, ask yourself "What Would Whitey Do?" pop a pill in your mouth and marvel at the effeciency of the pharmaceutical industry.

But seriously, get well soon.

At 12:51 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

does your Linda help out you too? Where are your boys? I loved Miguel, seems to me your married with Linda and have abandon your friends, get well El Guapo.

At 4:02 PM, Blogger The Blonde Menace said...

I hope you feel better soon El Guapo, sorry to hear you were violated. But oh the pills, the pills, painkillers sure are fun.

At 6:14 PM, Anonymous a southern belle said...

I'm with anonymous. Where has Miguel gone? Although, it is very sweet that she was at the hospital with you.

At 10:54 PM, Blogger mysterygirl! said...

Oh my gosh-- that's hilarious.

I'm sorry that you have a maroon sling and that they shaved your leg, Guapo. But at least you've still got your beautiful mustache.

At 11:35 AM, Anonymous Namaste said...

El Guapo...you're so hilarious!! oh dios! Hope you are feeling better!

At 10:46 AM, Blogger Debby said...

I'm so glad to see you made it through mostly intact. Sorry shug, but when you got to the part about your leg, I got to laughing so hard I spit my soda all over my desk.

Get better fast and watch out for those little pills!

At 1:58 PM, Anonymous Mamasita said...

Feel better soon, Guapo!


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