El Guapo in DC

I am El Guapo. The most Guapo man in all of DC. Mucho Amor

Friday, July 21, 2006

Dear Jesus

Dear Jesus:

I’m sorry that I haven’t been to church as often as mi madre would like me to go and trust me when I say that I really appreciate your taking one for the team with the whole cross thing and dying for all of our sins. Seriously, that was increible. If you were here right now, I’d give you a piece of my flan. No, I’d give you the entire thing. I have more in the fridge, don’t you worry.

I wanted to ask you not to take the fact that I only seem to call out your name when I’m in some sort of a bind, personally. Really, the way that you get me out of trouble is increible. I know that you’re looking out for a fellow Guatemalan and all, but I just wanted to say that I am very grateful.

At this time, I really have no complaints about life, so I’m not coming to you today with a grievance of any kind, but more of a question. My question is regarding women. I don’t understand them. I never have. I’ve been around them for my entire life and I still haven’t a clue what’s going on in their heads.

The other day this woman with a short skirt walked by me while I was with mi Linda. Now, I’m a deeply spiritual person who appreciates all that you have made in this world. I felt it was my duty to inspect your creation. Now, from past experience I didn’t just turn my head and look at her walk by. I did, however, move my eyeballs to their extreme limits as she passed me. Oh by the way, the little blonde number on Wisconsin Avenue on Tuesday afternoon with the brown mini skirt? Wow. Excellent job. Seriously. You outdid yourself on that one.

So I look over and make eye contact with mi Linda. She held her breath and continued on. She acted like she didn’t see me look, but I KNEW that she saw me. I should have made a comment then and there, but I erroneously thought that she’d forget about it. Women are like elephants in that they don't forget, but I for some reason thought this would be different. She didn’t say anything at all for the rest of the day and I thought I was in the clear.

Tonight, out of the blue sky she says, “El Guapo, do you remember that blonde with the brown mini skirt the other day in Georgetown?”

The thoughts ran through mi head about how to respond. Actually, I may have even asked for your help, but I don’t remember. Anyway, OF COURSE, I remembered her. I had several conversations regarding that skirt with several of mi amigos since then. I may have even sent a text message to a friend of mine working at a bar to come outside to take a look. Anyway, I remembered her (again, great job with that one).

I may have accidentally smiled in a dreamy way when I said “Yes” to her question, but is that wrong?

Mi Linda definitely thought that it was wrong because she said some things to me in Portuguese while flailing her arms about. Yes, she looked very cute while she did this and the language is beautiful (not like Spanish, but still), but I think she may have been angry. I should really learn Portuguese…

How am I supposed to answer these questions? I always get caught in these situations and want to know the proper way to handle a woman’s questions. I personally would never wander, but my eyes, my eyes Jesus, they have a mind of their own.

So, I’ve taken up enough of your time. Again, thanks for pupusas, for flan, for dying for my sins etc. Any help with trying to understand women would be an incredible help. I don’t enjoy sleeping on the couch with her cats.

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo


At 3:32 AM, Blogger RoarSavage said...

Nothing you could have done to fix it-- you're look dug your (inevitable) grave.

Have fun with the cats, I might have thought of worse punishment, were you my BF.

At 4:35 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's not the looking; it's that you were obvious (and therefore disrepectful to Linda) while you were looking.

My husband's never looked at another woman, as far as I can tell. That's slick.

Work on your technique El Guapo. You'll enjoy the practice. Just don't practice with Linda around. Bring a female friend.

At 4:43 AM, Blogger P1P said...

Be blatant. Check her out and point her out to Linda. Don't do anything unstylish (as if you would) like drooling or making monkey sounds while swinging your fists (al la Jerry springer). Just let her know that you appreciate a beautiful woman as a sophisticated guatemalan man but that you are with her by choice.

Besides trying to check out girls without moving your head just hurts your eyes.

At 6:54 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yet another reason I'm glad I'm gay; we expect our significant others to look at other guys. And hopefully they'll point them out to us, so we can look too.

At 9:08 AM, Blogger Washington Cube said...

El Guapo? Sunglasses....after dark, indoors...whatever it takes.

At 9:26 AM, Blogger NewYorkMoments said...

El Guapoist, you're problem here is not that you don't understand the chicas. You do, because otherwise you would have given that skirt a 180 degree head turn and ran over and given her your number. You tried to sneak a peek because you knew you're chica would be pissed off if you looked.

The problem with this one is that YOU GOT CAUGHT.

I'd put you in touch with my ex-hombre, but I don't know his number. Now HE was a slick one. He could check out a woman for hours without me knowing about it.

How, you ask, do I know this? Because one day on the subway, I was checking out an unbelievably gorgeous woman...tits to die for...and wondering why she was with such an ugly guy. And I mentioned this to him & he told me that he was wondering the same thing. I would swear that he had never taken his eyes off the floor.

El Guapo...you MUST perfect the "sneak peek!"

At 9:59 AM, Blogger SheBah said...

Say she reminded you of your mother/sister/cousin/least favourite teacher.....

At 10:02 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Act offended by the way she's dressed.. "Who would wear such a skirt?", "Who would wear such a low cut shirt?". That way you can look as much as you want, and you will score points con la linda.

At 10:08 AM, Blogger la guera loca said...

JUST had this argument with mi mexicano the other day. It's not so much that we fear you're going to go after another woman because you look at her, it's that it makes us feel inadequate somehow. If you were looking at deformed, frumpy, ugly girls, we wouldn't bat an eye.

It sucks, and it's mostly our own complex, but I just suggest that if it really bothers your Linda that you keep hot girl-scoping an activity you do with the guys. You're just making her feel bad.

At 12:22 PM, Anonymous P said...

El Guapo,
If ti Linda decides to keep you on the couch, I have a nice bed about 600 miles north. There are Guatemalans here in Boston too, and I will learn Spanish for you!

Wait, I'm not helping, am I? Ok, to understand ti Linda, without Jesus's help (you really think he understands us? He was a virgin!!), imagine you are walking down another street, hand in hand with Linda, when along comes another guapo man. He may not be much more guapo than yourself, but he is something you're not: blond? un-mustachio-ed? 6'4"? Ti Linda not only looks, but looks so you can see her looking, AND stares directly at his crotch, which unfortunately is visibly bulging, possibly more so than your own. She licks her lips as you keep walking. Poor El Guapo! You've admitted you're a jealous man! Do you understand her problem yet?

Enjoy los gatos,

At 12:43 PM, Blogger Raincouver said...

I like how you put flan and pupusas on the same level as dying for sins. Hillarious!

And I agree with Cube... sunglasses, compadre, sunglasses...

At 1:31 PM, Blogger Rev. Smokin Steve said...

p1p has the right idea. I am upfront with my woman.

I look, and even turn my head to do it. I do not hide it. I always tell her, "If I ever stop looking at women, check my pulse because I am dead." She still hits me in the back of the head when I do it, but in a funny way.

But at the same time, I have given her the freedom to look at any man she wants. You have to be fair. And I don't take it as a sign of disrespect. Anyone who does has strict rules in life and needs to loosen up.

My way of looking at it is that you can look at anyone you want in life, as long as you use that sexual energy later on your woman and your woman alone. It makes everyone happier.

At 9:40 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

ohhh this was so funny and sweet.

Advice? ...just be yourself. But don't sleep on the couch with the cats, say good night and go home. No games, no guilt. Let her calm herself down, it helps us women learn how to be more full of grace, instead of jealousy.


At 2:11 AM, Anonymous may said...

lie. even if you were looking, say you weren't. lie about these things. when i ask about another woman, i basically do not want an honest answer, even if i say i want it. i have this ridiculous idea that if a guy is with me, all women, must be dead. so i guess that makes me a liar, so we all just lie about this issue and live happily ever after :)
by the way, what is a pupusa?

At 11:29 AM, Blogger jali said...

My comment is, of course, off topic.

I'm in DC for the weekend, and I've been looking for an El Guapo enough man to be THE El Guapo, but no one so far I've stalked has been charming, sexy or beautiful enough. I've seen many who could possibly be Miguel (hee-hee).

I have one more day on this quest.

At 2:06 PM, Blogger NurseWhoLvdMe said...

Hey El,
You have inspired me to move from LJ to Blogspot for a fresh start. Does a southern belle get a 'welcome to the neighborhood' kiss on the cheek? Actually, skip that. Anybody woman enough for El Guapo is not somebody whose toes I want to step on.
~A southern belle

At 2:32 PM, Blogger Raven said...

As a woman I can honestly say in a situation like this...Just say "NO!"

At 11:56 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

silly! i point out at least one hot girl to my boyfriend every day i'm with him. if i could talk to her, i'd probably recommend this. if you point her out, he has fun looking, you both feel good. what's the harm in appreciating with no straying? later, you can thank her ;)

At 10:29 AM, Blogger sara said...

Hmm... I don't see what's wrong with looking. You are obviously a healthy Guatemalan man, and to look a beautiful woman is in your nature, right?
When my husband and I go out together and he looks at another woman, I don't mind. Just look, that's the important thing. I think some women are just trying to fool themselves when they got angry if their spouses or bf look at another women. I mean, what's wrong with looking? If that the only thing your man can do, why deprive him of it?

At 10:37 AM, Blogger Little Miss Anthropic said...

I think it's understandable to want to 'check out' other people even if we are in a relationship with someone. It doesn't mean we are looking to cheat or fall in love. I think if you were to suck all of this up and feel repressed that you would perhaps feel more inclined to do more than just look...so...I think it's healthy to look....but, not to gawk. We're always going to find lots of people attractive. That seems pretty natural. If it bothers Linda a lot, you can have a talk with her and do your best to make her feel wanted and loved....and .....yes, it might be a good idea to save your peeks for when you are not actually with her. Also, often the fantasy about someone else is much better than how the reality would be. I think honest communication with compassion included is always the best approach. The truth is that no matter how close we get to anyone else, we don't belong to anyone. We just choose to be with who want to be with and recognize that we are still here on this planet as individuals and we have to have faith in ourselves and to try to live in the moment and to appreciate ourselves and those who are in our lives in so much as we possibly can. :)

At 6:15 PM, Blogger Rev. Smokin Steve said...

El guapo...

Muchas gracias for the link! I am honored!

At 10:31 PM, Blogger Alejandra said...

There is no proper way to handle it, although I really don't get why girls get so annoyed. Men look. Women look. We all look. Whatever, as long as you're not obnoxiously obvious about it and make it clear that you're with her and that she is equally (if not more) hot...it shouldn't be a big deal. In fact, I usually spot the girls before the guys I'm with do... Sometimes I even point them out.

At 6:00 AM, Anonymous Blip said...

Melhor aprender português mesmo, El Guapo... Good luck with Linda.

At 5:52 PM, Blogger j0rdangirl said...

I have found your blogs routinely amusing, and have actually saved your site so that I may have a chuckle every now and then. I decided to peek back and see what I missed over the last few months. This blog in particular caught my eye as I love Jesus dearly. Sadly, I didn't find this blog amusing at all. It hurts that someone who says they believe in what he did could be so cavalier about his death for us. You treat it like he went to market and bought you a quart of milk or something!
On another note. Yes, God did make women pretty amazing. The amazingly pathetic thing is, the woman you "congratulated" God on making, was most likely surgically enhanced. Check it out:
"Women had nearly 10,500,000 of the total cosmetic procedures performed in 2005 accounting for 91.4 percent of the total.
The top five surgical procedures for women were Lipoplasty (liposuction), Breast Augmentation, Blepharoplasty (cosmetic eyelid surgery), and Abdominoplasty (tummy tuck), and Breast Lift." See link for further data:
Considering if women age 15-64 in the US being 100,413,484 strong, if each procedure were equivalent to one woman, that would be roughly every tenth woman you saw had been surgically enhanced. How sad IS that? Your Linda has a right to be mad! Mad that women are so driven to please men that one tenth of us will change ourselves in an effort to either capture their man's glances, or restore the confidence and self esteem some man had stomped on at some point in their lives. Shame on you! Shame! Shame! Shame!


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