Lately, all I ever seem to hear about in DC is the weather. I turn on the TV and the anchor is saying something like, “Boy Samantha, it sure is hoooot out there! How much longer are we going to have to put up with this?”
I open up a newspaper and I see pictures of a mother pouring her Fiji Water on her kid with an article about how the heat is going to continue.
Every other conversation that I overhear is in regards to the weather and frankly, I’m a little tired of it.
I know, I know, I know, it’s hot outside. But guess what? It’s fucking July. It gets hot in July. This is not some crazy phenomenon that makes your eyes widen. It’s July. Every single year it’s the same thing. I know that come July, in Washington DC, I’m going to have to get dragged into the same conversation. The stupid line that people say when it gets hot in DC. You all know it. You all hate it:
“It’s not so much the heat but the humidity.”
Why do we do this to each other? Why is this sentence repeated every, single, year? Why?
Guess what? When I look down the street I see the same haze that you do. When I go outside I too have to put up with my clothes sticking to my body (my really sexy Guatemalan body).
When you say this to me, do you know what I want to do? I rather you pick up a brick off the street, no, not that one, that one, yes, the one with the yellow paint on it, and I want you to hit me over the head with it. Not on the face or anything because my face is my thing, but right where the hair starts on my head. Just bash me.
If you have nothing better to say to me than, “It’s not so much the heat but the humidity,” then I rather you hit me over the head with a brick. Trust me, my feelings are not going to be hurt if we don’t have something to talk about every time we see each other. I’m a nice guy. Chances are I like you. You’re buena gente. I don’t bring up the weather. Why? Because I know that people talk about weather when they have nothing else better to talk about.
Just keep on walking, say hello, hell, don’t even say hello if you don’t want, nod your head and smirk in that uncomfortable way when you’ve seen someone for the 7th time in the hallway. Just keep on your merry way if you have nothing to say to me. Don’t bring up the weather.
We need to stop this vicious cycle of not the heat the humidity thing. We really must. I can’t take it anymore. In fact, I’m dubbing July the Shut your hole about the weather month. I hope that you all partake. It’s fun. Try it.