Recap

Ah Christmas. Navidad. Nogochiconoko. Whatever it is that you call it, it has passed. You are most likely a bit heavier and maybe, like Miguel, can’t remember who “Trudy” is that keeps text messaging him from New Year’s.

It is a time of year that you spend with family and friends and all the rest of the sentimental blah blah blah that I’m sure that you have already read. Not here. Mira, I love this season because of mi family, but I’m glad it’s gone. My fingers are hurting badly as I write this, but I figure I’ve been in a testy mood since not sharing the goings on of an incredibly good looking Guatemalan man with a mustache that makes flowers grow.

Here is a catch-up breakdown:

1. Apocalypto - The movie. “Si, this is a Mel Gibson movie. It is coming out around Christmas, so it must be about Jesus Christ our savior.” If you saw any Latin women in the theater it was because they had this thought. Mi familia went to see this Mel Gibson Jesus Christ movie because mi madre somehow thought it was about Jesus and the indigenous Mayans. Bueno, mi madre is no longer a Mel Gibson fan. Mi hermanita still has nail marks from my mother having to witness native Mexicans being killed in an assortment of ways that only Mel Gibson could imagine.

Dying of frog poison? Si. Having your head cut off and thrown down a pyramid? Si. Having several dozen wooden stakes slammed through your body in a boobie trap fashion? Si. Twice. Gracias Mel Gibson.

2. Hermanita and her gringo boyfriend – Mi hermana brought home another gringo this holiday season. He is from Oklahoma. He says ya’ll. His family belongs to a liberal Catholic church which mi madre believes is a cult. He has spiky hair. He does not have a mustache nor am I certain that he has the ability to grow one which could ever compete with mine. However, he makes mi hermanita happy, so, I am happy.

3. Other Hermanita has a Mexican boyfriend – I haven’t told you this before, but I have a younger hermanita with a Mexican boyfriend. Mi hermana calls him a Mexisexual, a play on the “metrosexual” description due to the fact that he is never out without a shirt that was purchased at the Polo outlet store or Abercrombie & Fitch. He, however, calls me sir. I like this. Oh si, he makes mi hermanita happy as well, so I am happy. I will note, mind you, that he has the genes to grow a nice mustache, but I will never let this come to fruition. There can be only one.

4. Sewing machine - I bought mi Linda a sewing machine for Christmas. She doesn’t sew. I’ve just always wanted to walk in the house and say, “Mujer, make me a shirt!” or maybe something like, “Mujer, sew me a button.” I also got her a necklace. The sewing machine has already found a spot on the very top of her closet. It seems that she liked it so much that she wants to keep it in the box, unopened, to ensure that it stays new… She wears the necklace.

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo