El Guapo in DC

I am El Guapo. The most Guapo man in all of DC. Mucho Amor

Thursday, January 04, 2007

Why Must I Cry?

Why must I cry?

Have you seen this? No? Por favor, take a moment to watch it. Do not worry. I will wait for you. The video is about 4 minutos, but I promise that it is worth it. I will be right here. Don't have the time? That's ok. See below.

Watch it? Confused? Do not worry. I am fluent in the art of homemade hippety hop videos. I will translate for you:

00.00-00.04 Black man appears on screen sporting gold capped teeth and long gold chain. He is wearing camouflage because sometimes, you just gotta hide. Unkept facial gives the illusion that this man is a “thinker.” Listen to the beat. Uh uh.

00.05-00.11 Black man, sorry, tone deaf black man appears on screen. Is it the same man? No one knows. Yes, he has the same gold capped teeth and chain, but the camouflage is gone. Furthermore, he is somewhat clean shaven. His dialect screams mentally disabled, or is this just a cry for help? Let us watch.

00.12-00.17 Oh no! Is that an aquarium and fake trees in the background? The sad, tonedeaf, gold capped tooth man (with matching chain) is sitting on a LazyBoy without a shirt. Why, God? Why is he so sad? Why?

00.18-00.28 Sad black man is in the shower! Soap appears below the belt, but he is sad in the shower. So dirty. Dirty! Clean the sadness away shower. Please, clean the sadness. Note that the gold chain has been removed to protect the blang. (Not bling, blang) Note that sad black man touches the sliding shower door to exude emotion that is left out with the image of a sad, tone deaf black man showering.

00.29-00.35 Suds everywhere! This time we see the black man covered in soap suds and he appears to be rubbing his behind. It is dirty and must be cleaned by the cleansing waters of the shower. This will surely take away the sadness. Then he dances. Wait, he shimmies and disappears into the darkness that is the white shower.

00.38-00.52 This is too good. Black man is seen running through the woods with a striped shirt tucked into his jeans. He is also wearing a cap with a roly-poly ball attached to a string. He’s dressed up because the shirt is tucked in and striped. But why? Why is he running through the woods? Is the witch getting him? Is he running from the man? Why tone deaf black man? Why are so sad? He tiptoes around the forest like someone trying to make their way through a dog shit littered back yard. He is not at home in the wilderness. Did I mention that he’s wearing a metal studded belt ala Billy Idol? He is. Back off.

00.53-00.56 Black man is seen throughout video looking sad by the aquarium. This scene will repeat itself throughout and we will not be revisiting this again. It’s too powerful of an image for most of us. The swimming fish is an obvious cry to man being contained by glass ceilings and walls. Wow. What a powerful image.

00.57-01.07 This very well may be the best part of the video. Note the man is now wearing an army jacket and driving in traffic. You can see him wanting to look at the camera, but he MUST keep his eye on traffic. In this scene, traffic, is the MAN. If he doesn’t keep his eye on the MAN he will go down/crash his car. The best is when he stops the car. To the lay person, this may seem like the car in front of him stopped. But no! This is his attempt at showing us that he will pause for the MAN so that he can get on later. Drive on brother. Drive on.

01.08-01.09 This is just a shot of the artist’s X-Box playing lover. I think it’s cute. They make a nice couple.

01.41-01.46 Remember how I said that another scene was the best part of the video? I lied. This is. There is gun on the floor and the black man dives to “quickly” get it ready while someone is about to shoot him. Again, to the lay person, he may seem like a mongoloid, but what he is saying is that THE MAN is too slow for him. Even at the speed of a sloth, he can beat the MAN. Cock that gun. Cock it real good.

The video goes on to repeat itself until a white woman comes into the picture. This is his way of taking down the man. Notice how he wears a do-rag among the crowd of overweight white people. Again, his revenge over the man.

Oh yeah, then he showers some more, has kids with the white woman, tries to climb a tree then puts a gun in his mouth. Genius. Pure, pure genius.

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo


At 1:12 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

i don't remember how i found you but you may be a genius.

At 10:10 AM, Anonymous mel said...

that is the funniest and wierdest video ever. i think the dude is deaf, not retarded though.

el guapo, you should consider doing a video. i really think you should. you and miguel.

At 11:47 AM, Blogger JoJo said...


At 2:25 PM, Anonymous Bob said...

I know why I must cry. Because you made me watch that video.

At 2:39 PM, Blogger Crankster said...

I'm with Bob on this one. I trusted you, El Guapo!

My soul died a little.

At 3:00 PM, Blogger casey said...

be afraid
be very afraid

At 3:02 PM, Anonymous Andrea said...

You ARE a genius. I love your blog. I just started my own blog that will probably be very serious and not at all funny so I have added a "Salsa dancing/Latino culture" section on my blogroll.. and you are very first blog I am going to link to. (My weak excuse is that I actually am an avid salsa dancer, but its really just because your blog is so incredibly funny). Let me know if you have any objections...

At 3:17 PM, Anonymous andrea said...

El Guapo... oh thanks ever so for being my first commenter. Maybe in my biography on the sidebar of my blog I'll also add that I'm attracted to Latinos (except for Argentinians of course)

With love from one of your many gringa fans

At 4:26 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

OMG! Why must I cry? Why? Because I just spent four minutes of my life watching that poor, sad man, thats why! I must agree with the others dear El, you are a genius. I too would like to see a video with you that includes Miguel. Poor,sad man!
:) Liz

At 6:23 PM, Anonymous Me said...

Oh, oh god, my eyes! I don't think I'll be able to forget that til my dying day.

At 7:04 PM, Blogger C'est la vie!! said...


Cock that gun. Cock it real good.
uuhmmm what was that all about?? hehe

and..I see the gringa fan gets a comment from u but i dont, the Mexican fan :P j/k

At 3:07 AM, Blogger Mujer Morena said...

Hilarious. Was that for real? And did you notice during his hot shower scene that he was bathing with one of those pink poofy sponge things?
If you'd like to watch something as equally crazy, check out this one.

At 3:57 AM, Blogger Kim Ayres said...

Why must you make me watch a man singing out of tune in the shower?

All I need is a mirror for that

At 12:37 PM, Anonymous andrea said...

c'est la vie ... yes, it was a huge honour for El Guapo to comment on my blog. But did you notice that I had to use flattery and such to get him to do it? Whereas all you had to do apparently is play the race card :) You play tough, it seems. Have pity on us poor gringas who grow up with pasty polite white boys and are then one day are exposed for the very first time to the glorious machismo of the Latin male - what are we supposed to do? Forgive me, but my actions are not entirely my fault.

At 1:02 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Who wouldn't cry after watching at least 10 seconds of that...thing.

I trusted you G, and you broke my trust.

I've gotta go and rinse my mind...

At 3:40 PM, Anonymous Ellis said...

Oh, my god. That was horrible.

At 12:07 AM, Blogger J-G said...

Oh the pain....
Notoriously B.A.D. as William Hung rappin' with a Wookie accent.

At 3:24 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

i just died a little inside.

At 4:49 AM, Blogger C'est la vie!! said...

I was just kidding...I apologize if I offended u or anybody else for that matter....

At 11:41 AM, Anonymous La Hembra said...

Guapo -- So appreciate the in-depth analysis. I'm scaring myself to say I think I understand this video even a little. My vote goes for Dominican man who landed somewhere other than Miami or NYC.

P.S. I dreamed of you last night. Just a headshot picture of you that you had posted. Have you told us before about your long eyelashes? Is it possible that your head is as round as Charlie Brown's?

Confused by enchanted... La H.

At 8:26 PM, Anonymous andrea said...

c'est la vie ... I was kidding as well. Humour is difficult to convey on the internet sometimes.

At 9:48 PM, Blogger Burlas said...

the video wasn't ain't bad i appreciate the black American
he did well,

Neuse River News - Oriental NC


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