El Guapo in DC

I am El Guapo. The most Guapo man in all of DC. Mucho Amor

Monday, May 07, 2007

I bought a bike

I bought a bike today.

I already had a bike, but it was one that I have been riding since I was seven. I decided it was time.

Miguel was over at my house one day spouting off about something he had read regarding global warming.

“One day, we’re going to swim to work because all of DC is going to be underwater.”

Thank you Al Gore for making mi amigo paranoid. Even though most of what he was ranting made no sense whatsoever, his comment about the driving of Hummers being for “inverted dickless wonders who like to take up 19 parking spots” made some sense to me. I don’t drive a Hummer, but I do drive and frankly, I don’t like to swim, so I decided to buy a bike.

I usually only see one guy riding his bike to work and he always wears brown pants, squared glasses and has a beard. An un-kept one. I figure that if the hippies want to really get their message across about saving the world and global warming, they need to get the brown polyester wearing, beard having, look like they have been constipated for the last 13 weeks type of people off of the bikes. They look like assholes. The helmets, ay, the helmets don’t help either. Is there anyway to make the helmets cool looking? Anyway…

I decided that it was up to me to help save the world. I figure that if the great people of DC see a sexy Guatemalan like me riding a bike, bueno, maybe they would begin to ride their bikes too. And then maybe we won’t have to swim to work or ever listen to Al Gore again…

The main problem that I have found in riding my bike is that there are cars, trucks and buses on the same street. I quickly made a promise to myself that I would no longer drive extra close to bikers in the hope that they would crash into parked cars. Turns out it isn’t very much fun when it’s being done to you. Oh yes, the game of opening your parked car right when a biker is riding past? Also not going to be playing that one.

After having a couple of drivers show me that they owned the road, I decided that wearing the helmet was a good thing. To the untrained eye, I was just an extremely sexy Guatemalan riding his bike (which is also brown), but I felt like an ass in that helmet. I have decided that I would paint my helmet the colors of the Guatemalan flag and maybe put on an eagle of some kind on this bike helmet. I need to do what I can to make bicycle riding acceptable.

Oh, one more thing. Feel free to punch any bicycle rider who has any kind of horn, bell or other noise making device. They are of the un-kept beard having crowd. It makes me sad to think that I may need to recruit some collar poppers to ride bicycles, but I hope that it never comes to that. Then again, anything is better than having mi amigo quote Al Gore.

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo

16 Comments:

At 9:04 AM, Blogger Christopher Robin said...

Yeah, the helmet kind of sucks in terms of style, but uncontrolled drooling for the rest of your life would be even worse.

My best advice for dealing with traffic is to ride fast and to be a bit aggressive, within the bounds of the law (don't run lights). So far it's served me well, in 13 years of city riding I've only been doored once and never hit. Good luck.

 
At 1:01 PM, Anonymous girl and dog said...

I'm going to start riding my bike to school when I start my Master's program in September, and I'm terrified of being doored! Good for you, Guapo... Hopefully everyone will want to look as cool as you and will join your bicycle crusade!

 
At 1:52 PM, Blogger Kim Ayres said...

It's not just the helmet, El Guapo, you need some flourescent lycra shorts too!

 
At 4:29 PM, Blogger Rebecca said...

Just in time for Bike to Work Month!

 
At 6:10 PM, Anonymous Jay said...

No, no! You need to put a giant FALCON on top of the helmet. Or you could put a flag of Mexico with El Aguila, the snake, and the cactus. Your choice, my friend.

 
At 1:16 AM, Blogger Alphabette said...

no, no, that would be too mexican for our el guapo. el g, how about a giant bigote paper mache'd to the helmet? talk about intimidation.

 
At 10:47 AM, Blogger Mary Drew said...

Now I love you even more, El Guapo, because you are riding a bike. Gee, I've been reading your blog for a year, and I just realized (as I was explaining to my sister why I was guffawing)that I don't even no what "guapo" means. Better look that up...

 
At 10:49 AM, Blogger Mary Drew said...

Okay, I'm a librarian, and I know how to spell "know." I have know excuse.

 
At 11:58 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

what does Miguel have to say about all this?

 
At 12:08 PM, Blogger El Guapo in DC said...

Miguel is not pleased. He referred to my "hybrid" bicycle as a "bi-sexual bike."

 
At 1:54 PM, Blogger TheAmpuT said...

I can't believe you are poo-pooing the horn/bell. It has saved me from shouting obscenities at ignorant door openers more times that I can count. It like shouting, "Asswipe!!" only courteously.
I used to ride my bike everywhere, but now I don't so much because I'm usually out and about in wheelchair. But I mounted a bell on my chair because people are really just that stupid around people with wheels, bike OR wheelchair.

 
At 5:49 PM, Blogger Jessie said...

What became of your old bike? I need a fun bike for Burning Man this year...

 
At 4:19 AM, Blogger donalyn said...

i think designing your own helmet would be sweet =)
i just cannot imagine you fitting on a bike for a 7 yr old. but it was fun to try >)

 
At 4:21 AM, Blogger Facinacion said...

this was a cute posting..... i'm sure a hot guatemalan like yourself loves to be called cute.. so there we go.

 
At 12:39 PM, Blogger Shima said...

I also hate wearing a helmet, but I've found the Faction Bell Helmets (http://www.bellbikehelmets.com/europe/productDetail.asp?prodID=9)buth comfortable and stylish enough to not fear being seen with one on. I bought the one with the sushi on the back last year and I love it!

 
At 11:59 AM, Anonymous Melissa said...

Bike riding is the best way to get to work, I did it before I finally got a reprieve from DC.
A bell is not for hippies, it's a way to warn people of your presence. I also find shouting good, and when people get too close in slow traffic you can also hit their door with your hand (freaks them out a bit and is fun).

 

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