El Guapo in DC

I am El Guapo. The most Guapo man in all of DC. Mucho Amor

Friday, January 20, 2006

Confession: Para mi mama

“Forgive me father, for I have sinned. It has been over 10 years since my last confession.”

What in the name of Celia Cruz am I doing here? Mierda.

Mi mama talked me into going to confession after she saw me talking to a couple of Mormon missionaries. I tried to tell her that they save my soul every Tuesday evening and she lost her paciencia. Unless you are Latino, you do not fully understand the wrath of a Latin mother.

Her hands flailed, she cried, she prayed to every saint en el cielo, she said my abuelo was rolling in his grave, she told me she may be having a heart attack, no, this was a stroke, she told me to feel her heart, her own son having his soul saved by Mormons, she looked up to the sky (ceiling) and had a conversation with God, what had she done to deserve this, her own son, Ave Maria, why her, do you want to kill me El Guapo, is that what you want…

No mama. It was a joke. They’re nice kids who have to convert people. I think they get a Tupperware set if they convert a Latino. I was being nice mama. I was making a joke about the saving of my soul.

Oh, your soul is a joke? This is funny to you?

Another conversation with God, who in mi casa, lives right above the kitchen ceiling. I’ve looked up there. There is a crack. I should fix that.

What do you want me to do mama? What can I do? I’m sorry.

“Ten years my son?”

“Yes, padre. I don’t know the little prayer you say now. I’m sorry.”

“My son, this is a confession. This is very serious. Please do not take this lightly. There is no “little” prayer.”

Oh no. I have made the padre upset with me. I can not charm him with my amazing guapo smile because of this screen! DAMN THIS SCREEN!

“Padre, please, I am nervioso, I am sorry. I need to be cleansed. Por favor. My humble apologies.”

“Very well my son. Do not be nervous.”

He says the prayer.

“What are your sins my child?”

“I was speaking to Mormons.”

Loooooong pause. Oh Benicio del Toro was I in trouble. Look, those Mormon kids are nice. They are like the Latinos of religions. Everyone makes fun of them. They walk around in the ghetto trying to save souls and I am nice to them. They tell me their stories about tablets and Indians and I listen. Sometimes all it takes to make someone’s day is to listen to their story. Now, I will be saying prayers until I turn 64. At least I will have a song.

“My son, are you serious? Speaking with Mormons is not a sin.”

“No? Mi mama didn’t like it that I was speaking with Mormons who were trying to save my soul. She was crying to God in my kitchen. My abuelo is rolling in his grave. Tupperware set. I’m here to save my soul the real way. The Catholic way.”

“My son, is that your only sin?”

Ten years of not going to confession. Ay Dios mio! Are you serious?

“Sometimes I have thoughts father. About women.”

I do. I’m Latino. This can not be helped.

“My son, that is normal. Just make an effort to have pure thoughts.”

I then reached into my pocket to grab the four pieces of paper with my list of sins. I had highlighed sin number 4 about something with my old girlfriend Margarita when I was 17. My buddy Miguel said it was a sin, but I was never sure so I was going to find out now. Also, number 132 was highlighted. I had dated una Argentina. I wasn't sure if that was a sin. I had so many questions that were going to be finally answered. I was ready, but he started to say a prayer that absolved me of my sins.

Come on hombre! I wanted to know about the Margarita thing. Was I taking his time? Did he need to go to the bathroom?

“Gracias padre.”

“Go in peace my child.”

It counts that I was going to read the list. It counts even more that I was touching the list.

I am feliz because my mother may not talk to God in my kitchen ceiling for a couple of more days and as long as my mother is happy, that is all that matters.

Miguel says that touching the paper doesn't count and that I have to go back. What does he know? He can't even grow a mustache.

I miss my mustache.

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo

29 Comments:

At 3:59 AM, Anonymous applegreen said...

Hi El Guapo,
I'm glad I came back for more of your stories. I really enjoy reading them eventhough I don't understand some of the words. I don't study Spanish at all. I even had to ask my friend the meaning of El Guapo.
Anyway, thanks for sharing your stories and glad to learn some Spanish words ^_^
Take care!

Cheers,
Applegreen

 
At 4:12 AM, Blogger El Guapo in DC said...

I will do better to have the translations for them. Sorry mi amiga (my friend)!

Mucho Amor (Lots (or Much) of Love),

El Guapo

 
At 9:53 AM, Anonymous La said...

Oh Great El Guapo, how I love your blog! My fiance loves your blog! My best friend loves your blog. You are blogging phenomenon. I wish my blog was as cool as yours.

I miss your mustache too.

 
At 10:15 AM, Anonymous kschic said...

El Guapo...I enjoy reading your blog, especially the spanish words. I took 5 years in high school and college and I find myself thinking some words in spanish, especially when I'm mad!
About the confession part, I have always believed it "counts" if you "think" the sin when in the booth. What do you think?

 
At 10:35 AM, Blogger Christopher Robin said...

You have a way with words my man. I love the list by the way :) And thinking it should count, after all, you can think a sin.

 
At 10:38 AM, Blogger Rhinestone Cowgirl said...

Ay, El Guapo, I am in love with your blog. You make me smile. :)

 
At 11:06 AM, Blogger HomeImprovementNinja said...

As a fellow latino, I can confirm that all latin mothers have a shrine with the virgin mary, several saints and lotsa big candles that smell nothing like vanilla.

Everyone in latin america is catholic...even the atheists.

 
At 11:53 AM, Blogger always write said...

I think my people believe in sins, but not in hell. I could speculate as to why, but by association it would only reflect poorly on me.

In addition to an endless source of entertainment, El Guapo, your blog is a much-needed refresher course in Spanish language. Ever since I lived in Israel I've been mixing up mis lenguas into "Spebrew." Aval si mis amigos mevinim la conversacion, hakol bien.

 
At 11:58 AM, Anonymous p said...

El Guapo, your posts make me think of a Latino Frank McCourt.

stay guapo :)
-P

 
At 12:13 PM, Anonymous Luz said...

El Guapo is nada like Frank McCourt. El Guapo es mas como David Sedaris.

 
At 12:14 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oye, guapo.

Gracias por tratarlos bien a los misioneros. Soy mormona y muchas veces no se les tratan bien. Por ejemplo, este año en la nochebuena, los misioneros de mi rama (latina) fueron robados. Hasta les quitaron sus escrituras.

 
At 12:52 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Fuckin brilliant!

 
At 1:24 PM, Anonymous Luz said...

Una cosita mas:

El Guapo es como David Sedaris en writing style, not like anonymous is como David Sedaris.

 
At 1:55 PM, Anonymous Kbean said...

When I lived in Costa Rica my novio's madre had more than a few conversations with el cielo about la gringa who was corrupting her pobrecito hijo.

 
At 2:33 PM, Anonymous Mamasita said...

Oh my, Guapo. Dating an Argentinan *is* a sin! It's slightly more sinnish than dating un Salvadoreño (o en tu caso, Salvadoreña) No lo sabias?

 
At 3:05 PM, Blogger El Guapo in DC said...

Translation for you all. The anonymous commenter told a story about her fellow missionaries being robbed and having their scriptures stolen. At the end of the day, yo pienso/I believe, it never hurts to give your neighbor a sonriso (smile).

Gracias for all the amazing comments.

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo

 
At 4:32 PM, Blogger la guera loca said...

just (happily) found this blog through waiterrant.
as an aside, i have a whole bastion of mustached latino friends and your blog reminds me of them in many ways. as i always say, what in life is better than watching drunk mexicans wearing gigantic sombreros parade around the living room screaming "aye aye aye!" to some pasito duranguense with a taco in one hand and an invisible woman they are spinning around the room in another? it's even better if they're in the same clothes they've been wearing for 4 days, have queso stuck in their bigotes and are sporting my 3-inch heels.

 
At 6:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Love your writing, fucking hysterical
Thanks for the entertainment!

 
At 6:54 PM, Blogger DC Cookie said...

Perhaps you should just give the Padre a link to your website with a blanket "forgive me Father."

 
At 7:51 PM, Blogger Martha Who? said...

Your blog cracks me up. Thanks for the many many laughs. I am tagging you for a blogging "Meme" on a whim. If you want to participate, head over to my site and copy and paste the questionnaire into your own and tell us 10 things we DON'T know about you. Enough about the moustache already. Keep up the great work -- you have some very entertained readers.
Cheers
-MW

 
At 10:17 PM, Blogger EchiZera said...

El guapo,
You are a true mistery. I must u admit that I am not sure...except for the fact that you are Guatemalan... Where in the latino array of variety are you.
Keep up the great work. It is amazing.

 
At 11:40 PM, Blogger whfropera said...

what they all said. keep on writing.

 
At 11:54 PM, Blogger Thicky said...

stop writing and start a one man show como Leguizamo!!!

Gracias por la nota, the fam is doing well!

keep it real nda heights!

 
At 8:37 AM, Blogger el chaja said...

che, what is your deal with los argentinos? acaso que sos chileno/a?

 
At 5:05 AM, Anonymous applegreen said...

That's so nice of you to do the translation ^_^ Gracias mi amiga(I hope I get this right ;p)

A Sonriso for you ^_^

Cheers,
Applegreen

 
At 10:01 AM, Blogger Namaste said...

Aye, El Guapo. You succeeded in making me roll on the floor yet again. You have a such a sweet alma. It will never need confession again.

 
At 2:30 PM, Blogger Veronica said...

Brilliant.
I love this place.

 
At 7:49 PM, Blogger define_me said...

Your entry reminded me of my Mormon encounter when I was in elementary school. One of my good friends (she's Mormon) gave me a bible because apparently they're supposed to give bibles to their friends and what not. Anyway, I thought my mom (Catholic of course) was going to faint when I showed her the bible and told her where I got it. Needless to say, I returned it to my friend the next day.

Looking forward to more enjoyable readings!

 
At 10:35 AM, Blogger Burlas said...

it remember me during my childhood .


Neuse River News - Oriental NC

 

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