El Guapo in DC

I am El Guapo. The most Guapo man in all of DC. Mucho Amor

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

CVS: Por favor! Please!

Todo el mundo, Everyone, in Washington DC knows of CVS Pharmacy. In DC, they are in every neighborhood doing what large pharmacies do: charge you $10 for a gallon of milk. Yes, yes, yes, you pay for the convenience, but come on.

Anyway, I have a problema with CVS.

Unfriendly customer service? Yes, but not my top issue.
Long lines? Yes, but not my top issue.
Handwritten “No cash back for Debit” notes? Yes, but not my top issue.
Not enough religious candles? Yes, I’d like a larger assortment, but not my top issue.

My top issue? STOP LOCKING UP THE FUCKING CONDOMS!

Why must you do this CVS? Why? Why in my neighborhood of Columbia Heights and not in Dupont Circle? Why do I have to let the entire world know that I am about to make sweet, sweet amor with some lucky woman? And for the love of Guadalupe, when you unlock the glass case, let me pick out what I want. Do not make me say “Ribbed for her pleasure” out loud. Por favor!!!

People wonder why Latinos breed so much. It’s because CVS locks up all the contraceptives. I believe that CVS is single-handedly responsible for the high birth rate amongst Latinos in the DC area. Please CVS! Please let us pick out our own condoms! Do not page “Ronnie to the condom display!” I beg you. And Ronnie, do not say, “My man!” when you give me the condoms. Please. Do not attempt to high-five me. When I ask for the 12-pack, do not say, “MARATHON MAN!” Please, I am Latino. I am known for my love-making. I cannot help this.

Why do you lock up the condoms? Do you do this so that we have to buy more diapers? This is very smart of you CVS. Very smart. If you stop locking the condoms, I promise to buy more Hallmark cards. I will send mi Madre a card for every holiday you imagine. Mi abuelita will get Kwanzaa cards. Please, do this for El Guapo. I am tired of using used grocery plastic bags for protection. I do not want a child right now. Do this for me. Por favor!!! I will only buy CVS-brand items. Whatever you want. I will do it. Please!

Gracias.

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo

26 Comments:

At 9:10 AM, Blogger Jamy said...

I am SO with you on this. They lock them up at Eastern Market, Chinatown and L'Enfant Plaza too. It drives me crazy. I even mentioned it in my blog and had one person, who lives in Cleveland Park, try to tell me it wasn't true. He needs to read you.

 
At 9:50 AM, Anonymous Aja said...

go to Costco, they don't lock them up and you can get like I don't know 50 or so in an economy size pack!!! That should last you a week! Knowing Latinos and how much les gustan cojer!!!

Ciao amigo!

 
At 9:55 AM, Anonymous P! said...

I have a crush on you El Guapo!

 
At 9:59 AM, Blogger K said...

Dupont's CVS only locks up the Crest White Strips.... damn you discriminatory CVS .

Maybe your appearance, and subsequent fame from the article about you in The Express, El Guapo, will help the fine latinos of DC to free the condoms.

 
At 12:22 PM, Blogger El Guapo in DC said...

Do you think I have enough room for a 50-pack of condoms? I do not wish to scare the women. Even they have limits to my incredible love-making.

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo

 
At 1:19 PM, Blogger DC Cookie said...

The CVS near me has started locking up oral hygiene products too. Toothpaste, whiteners, etc. Idiots!! Gosh!!

 
At 4:39 PM, Anonymous aja said...

Right! porques las nieves estan feliz con solo una vez no como las latinas que necesitan mas!!!

Luke, listen to Anikan.

 
At 5:08 PM, Blogger Ayatollah Mugsy said...

El Guapo,
I thought you were wonderful in The Three Amigos. Any plans for a sequel?

 
At 7:22 PM, Anonymous tuleno said...

What did they cow say to her bull when he was trying to swim across the river?

Nada buey!

 
At 9:53 PM, Anonymous applegreen said...

Haha! This is soooooo funny! Thanks to Waiterrant for the link ^_^ He always recommends good blog anyway. You're in my Favorites list now. Will be coming back for more!

 
At 12:42 AM, Anonymous emlyn said...

El Guapo... stumbled across your blog from reading waiterrant. Love it! Love you! After living in brazil (1 year) and mexico (6 months) I've developed a keen interest in all things latino so your blog will definitely be added to my favourites. Keep up the good work!
Un besito, Em.

 
At 9:56 AM, Anonymous Norville said...

Interestingly enough, the CVS at 17th and P used to have them locked up, but in the last month ot so changed back to having them out in the open. I guess it was just an experiment and it didn't work. So don't be surprised if the Columbia Heights condoms are freed soon as well.

 
At 12:18 PM, Anonymous cvs manager said...

well if you yuppies would stop stealing products than maybe we wouldnt have to lock it up

 
At 12:43 PM, Blogger Elise said...

Don't you read the postcards on Post Secret? There are people who poke holes in condoms. I'm glad they're kept behind glass!

 
At 1:21 PM, Blogger Megarita said...

Booo CVS! Someone should take a day and see what the various neighborhood CVSs lock up. The high-five "my man" is priceless. Excellent story.

 
At 1:59 PM, Blogger HomeImprovementNinja said...

I have a love/hate relationship with CVS.

I hate the inconvenience, overpriced goods, surly staff, and homeless people in front, but I love that you can ring up your own items. You can be your own mimimun-wage cashier. This is either DIY to the extreme or a lesson to you that you should appreciate your job or else you might be ringing up items for a living.

 
At 3:25 PM, Blogger Namaste said...

me odio CVS.

 
At 5:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

El,

Excellent point regarding CVS. I was considering forwarding your post to them, but figured I would leave the decision up to you: http://www.cvs.com/
CVSApp/cvs/gateway/help/helpContact

I find it interesting that in addition to locking up the teeth whitener and the condoms, they also lock up the pregnancy tests. I wonder if CVS is funding the adds I've been seeing on TV in support of Sam Alito? What gives CVS?

 
At 9:53 PM, Blogger MsAbcMom said...

Thanks for the chuckle Sr. Guapo!

 
At 11:01 PM, Anonymous Court Interpreter said...

Hola Guapo,

Me gusta tu blog.

Hasta otra,

Court Interpreter

 
At 12:50 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Woodley Park CVS doesn't lock them up

 
At 12:04 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Harris Teeter in the burbs of Arlington (Pentagon Row) also does this. Silly.

 
At 12:55 AM, Anonymous Pedropus said...

You should live in Detroit. CVS is the only chain brave enough to open up a store and sell food in this town. No bulletproof glass either, but I did notice a lack of condoms.

 
At 10:14 AM, Blogger Mr. Bad Apologies said...

They're locked up in the Logan Circle CVS. No safe sex for the gentrifying gays. :(

 
At 2:08 PM, Blogger Foilwoman said...

One of the few advantages of living in the burbs, I guess. But then, my neighbors would see me buying the darn things and everyone would know. Oh! I forgot! I'm the girl. He can pick them up or do without. What kind of man doesn't bring protection? A bad man, that's who.

 
At 9:08 PM, Blogger Burlas said...

i really appreciate this post. ..


Neuse River News - Oriental NC

 

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