CVS: Por favor! Please!
Todo el mundo, Everyone, in Washington DC knows of CVS Pharmacy. In DC, they are in every neighborhood doing what large pharmacies do: charge you $10 for a gallon of milk. Yes, yes, yes, you pay for the convenience, but come on.
Anyway, I have a problema with CVS.
Unfriendly customer service? Yes, but not my top issue.
Long lines? Yes, but not my top issue.
Handwritten “No cash back for Debit” notes? Yes, but not my top issue.
Not enough religious candles? Yes, I’d like a larger assortment, but not my top issue.
My top issue? STOP LOCKING UP THE FUCKING CONDOMS!
Why must you do this CVS? Why? Why in my neighborhood of Columbia Heights and not in Dupont Circle? Why do I have to let the entire world know that I am about to make sweet, sweet amor with some lucky woman? And for the love of Guadalupe, when you unlock the glass case, let me pick out what I want. Do not make me say “Ribbed for her pleasure” out loud. Por favor!!!
People wonder why Latinos breed so much. It’s because CVS locks up all the contraceptives. I believe that CVS is single-handedly responsible for the high birth rate amongst Latinos in the DC area. Please CVS! Please let us pick out our own condoms! Do not page “Ronnie to the condom display!” I beg you. And Ronnie, do not say, “My man!” when you give me the condoms. Please. Do not attempt to high-five me. When I ask for the 12-pack, do not say, “MARATHON MAN!” Please, I am Latino. I am known for my love-making. I cannot help this.
Why do you lock up the condoms? Do you do this so that we have to buy more diapers? This is very smart of you CVS. Very smart. If you stop locking the condoms, I promise to buy more Hallmark cards. I will send mi Madre a card for every holiday you imagine. Mi abuelita will get Kwanzaa cards. Please, do this for El Guapo. I am tired of using used grocery plastic bags for protection. I do not want a child right now. Do this for me. Por favor!!! I will only buy CVS-brand items. Whatever you want. I will do it. Please!