Driving: Los mejores? The best?
The other day Miguel and I were driving my cousin’s car to get some groceries when someone yelled at us:
“Learn how to drive you fucking Mexicans!”
First of all, I was driving, and I am not Mexican. I am Guatemalan. If you ever see a good looking Latino, you have three choices: 1)Guatemalan, 2)Has some Guatemalan blood, 3)Knows a Guatemalan and has taken on some Guatemalan qualities. These are the only options, lo siento.
I thought about delving into the psyche that makes people call all Latinos Mexicans, but instead I decided to explain how we, Latinos, drive. It’s much different than the world many of you are used to with all your fancy reglas, rules. We like to simplify things. Do we see the signs? Do we know the speed limit? Do we know the laws? Si. We just disagree with what they have to say.
Quiet around hospitals? HA! No. If we have a car we will play our music loudly. What will we play? Gasolina by Daddy Yankee. That is the only song that we own and that is the only song that we play. That’s it. Don’t know it? Download it. It is the best song ever made in the history of man (El Guapo is the rey/king of hyperboles when it comes to this). You will feel Latino and want to make love to your woman/man. You don’t understand what he says because the bass is too loud? Too bad. Music is all about bass. Does it hurt our ears too? No. All Latinos are slightly deaf. This is why we listen to our music loudly. Always.
Crosswalks? En serio, Are you serious? Pedestrian crosswalks? No. If you are a pedestrian, you should automatically assume that we are not going to slow down. Actually, if we see you trying to cross the street when we’re coming, chances are that we’ll speed up. I’m sorry, let me correct myself. We will speed up. If we get too close, yes, we will once again use our horn. It’s nothing personal against you. We just don’t believe in the whole idea of crosswalks. They’re too constricting. We Latinos need to be free.
Turn signals? What in the name of San Miguel are those good for? If you are behind a Latino you should always assume that we are going to turn at one point or another. Just expect it. It takes the fun out of driving if you know when you have to brake. Also, we like to use our horn. Ever have a child become mesmerized with turning a TV on and off? The child giggles when he realizes he is in control of the TV. This is how we are with horns. We giggle (I do so in a very sexy way) every time we make the horn go off.
Pull over when emergency vehicles are coming? Again, no. We love this! This is when we can race down the street. Everyone gets out of our way because they say, “Hey look! That ambulance is chasing the Mexicans!”
Again, I am not Mexican. I am Guatemalan. Perhaps you did not see my hat with the words: Guatemala. This is ok. I almost ran you over. Please note the Guatemalan flag sticker proudly displayed on my bumper. If for some reason you are not behind me, you will see the Guatemalan flag prominently placed on my rear view mirror.
It has been said that Asians are the world’s worst drivers. No. Asians are the world’s most careful drivers. Latinos, and please accept my apologies for saying this, are the worst. Ever. Period.
Mucho Amor,
El Guapo
posted by El Guapo in DC @ 1:12 AM
20 Comments:
Dear El Guapo:
I personally take offense to this claim:
"If you ever see a good looking Latino, you have three choices: 1)Guatemalan, 2)Has some Guatemalan blood, 3)Knows a Guatemalan and has taken on some Guatemalan qualities. These are the only options, lo siento."
This puede ser limited to latinos from centro-america, but in no way does this include the Colombian studs. I am after all de Colombia. I do not tengo any Guatemalan sangre or heritage, and yet I am a very good looking man, as most of my fellow countrymen are. I support you rocking the bigote, I personally am more fond of a chivera. El blog is la verga, rock on.
Sebastian J.
"El Pinta" in Miami
In which case, I MUST be latino. I can't drive worth poop. Well, unless it snows. That's the only time I DO know how to drive...
Hehe, great post. Como siempre, muy chistoso.
They have Guatemalan blood. Trust me. It is the only way.
Mucho Amor,
El Guapo
Guapo, you are truly guapo, pero lo siento, I have known handsome Hispanic men who were espan~ol, bolviano, chileno, costarriquen~o, argentino ademas de los guapos del guatamala*. And no puede ser that any drivers could be worse than the drivers in Boston. No puede ser.
*Ojala there may also be guapos from Venezuela, Colombia, Peru, Uruguay, Honduras y muchos otros paizes, pero la triste verdad es que no los conozco (aun).
El Guapo,
No comprendo your humor. I have to disagree with just about todo de your post today. I've known a million blah blah blah who were blah blah blah and a ton who weren't.
Blah blah blah,
-Blah
El Guapo,
I too have to take issue with your post. Gasolina was so el ano pasado. This year, it's all about the Rompe Rompe Rompe...
And to foilwoman, you're right. Boston is home of the worst drivers. Of course, that would be because everyone in Boston is from somewhere else. I like to check the police log in my old neighborhood and see who got arrested for reckless driving...strangely enough, lots of the names end in Z.
One of my top schoolgirl crushes was this chavo named Carlos - he was cubano/puertorriqueno, y muy delicioso. Caramel skin and baby blue eyes. [Fanning myself now.]
Rompe is ok. Come to my neighborhood. Gasolina is the theme song of Columbia Heights. I only wish there were more Guatemalans. Those from El Salvador are cramping mi style.
Mucho Amor,
El Guapo
Last year I dated a gorgeous Mexican man. Tall (very tall), dark, exceedingly handsome. To be fair, he was only half Mexican, and the other half Jewish. But the Jewish half -- not really helping his odds of being guapo. Or tall. He looked entirely Latino anyway. We only ever drove together in a snowstorm, but he handled himself quite nicely behind the wheel. Can't remember what was on the radio.
Gasolina was playing. It was on repeat. I remember this because there was a newspaper headline saying, "Mexican seen driving in snow. God Help us all."
Mucho Amor,
El Guapo
cada persona debe saber como escribir 'n' con tilde: ñ
Teach me how please. You may notice that I have yet to use any accents. Soy ignorante con el computador.
Mucho Amor,
El Guapo
Querido El Guapo:
I have figured out the mystery of how to make the enye (n con tilde) appear in blogger. Maybe there's an easier way, and, if so, would someone, por favor, tell me.
Open up Word. Click on "Insert", then symbols, the scroll through the various letters with diacritical marks and select the "ñ". The copy that "ñ" and whenever you want to write it, just right click and then left click on "paste" and the "ñ" will appear.
Mucho amor
Foilwoman
On second thought, this is too difficult. Please forgive my lack of accents when I write in Espanol.
Mucho Amor,
El Guapo
Querido El Guapo: There might be an easier way, but I don't know it. Don't any of El Guapo's many admirers wish to help out here? Por favor!
Mucho amor
Foilwoman
Guapo,
All you have to do to make the ñ is press ALT + 164 and ta-da! ñ!
Es facil. Try it. :)
Typing should be done in English, as God intended (or at least in a 70/30 ratio).
ñice!
Special characters:
Alt key plus...
160 = á
130 = é
161 = í
162 = ó
163 = ú
164 = ñ
Also, for future reference:
173 = ¡
168 = ¿
(Assuming you're using a PC, of course.)
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