Driving: Los mejores? The best?
The other day Miguel and I were driving my cousin’s car to get some groceries when someone yelled at us:
“Learn how to drive you fucking Mexicans!”
First of all, I was driving, and I am not Mexican. I am Guatemalan. If you ever see a good looking Latino, you have three choices: 1)Guatemalan, 2)Has some Guatemalan blood, 3)Knows a Guatemalan and has taken on some Guatemalan qualities. These are the only options, lo siento.
I thought about delving into the psyche that makes people call all Latinos Mexicans, but instead I decided to explain how we, Latinos, drive. It’s much different than the world many of you are used to with all your fancy reglas, rules. We like to simplify things. Do we see the signs? Do we know the speed limit? Do we know the laws? Si. We just disagree with what they have to say.
Quiet around hospitals? HA! No. If we have a car we will play our music loudly. What will we play? Gasolina by Daddy Yankee. That is the only song that we own and that is the only song that we play. That’s it. Don’t know it? Download it. It is the best song ever made in the history of man (El Guapo is the rey/king of hyperboles when it comes to this). You will feel Latino and want to make love to your woman/man. You don’t understand what he says because the bass is too loud? Too bad. Music is all about bass. Does it hurt our ears too? No. All Latinos are slightly deaf. This is why we listen to our music loudly. Always.
Crosswalks? En serio, Are you serious? Pedestrian crosswalks? No. If you are a pedestrian, you should automatically assume that we are not going to slow down. Actually, if we see you trying to cross the street when we’re coming, chances are that we’ll speed up. I’m sorry, let me correct myself. We will speed up. If we get too close, yes, we will once again use our horn. It’s nothing personal against you. We just don’t believe in the whole idea of crosswalks. They’re too constricting. We Latinos need to be free.
Turn signals? What in the name of San Miguel are those good for? If you are behind a Latino you should always assume that we are going to turn at one point or another. Just expect it. It takes the fun out of driving if you know when you have to brake. Also, we like to use our horn. Ever have a child become mesmerized with turning a TV on and off? The child giggles when he realizes he is in control of the TV. This is how we are with horns. We giggle (I do so in a very sexy way) every time we make the horn go off.
Pull over when emergency vehicles are coming? Again, no. We love this! This is when we can race down the street. Everyone gets out of our way because they say, “Hey look! That ambulance is chasing the Mexicans!”
Again, I am not Mexican. I am Guatemalan. Perhaps you did not see my hat with the words: Guatemala. This is ok. I almost ran you over. Please note the Guatemalan flag sticker proudly displayed on my bumper. If for some reason you are not behind me, you will see the Guatemalan flag prominently placed on my rear view mirror.
It has been said that Asians are the world’s worst drivers. No. Asians are the world’s most careful drivers. Latinos, and please accept my apologies for saying this, are the worst. Ever. Period.