El Guapo in DC

I am El Guapo. The most Guapo man in all of DC. Mucho Amor

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Mi abuelita: Lectures

Entire conversation translated from Spanish. Abuelita speaks English, but she will be damned before she speaks it in her house.

“El Guapo, come here.” Yes abuelita. “What happened with Mercedes?”

Note that she has asked me this 17 times this week.

Abuelita, Mercedes and I aren’t together anymore.

“Why not? I liked her?”

Note that she always told mi madre that Mercedes had no manners and smelled of corn.

I don’t know Abuelita, sometimes people grow apart.

“Did you wear the condoms?”

Oh no… I bit my bottom lip at this because I don’t know what the normal reaction to this question is supposed to be. I wasn’t laughing, I was just in an awkward situation. I looked up at the ceiling for guidance, but I wasn’t in the kitchen and was unable to speak to Dios. This pause, (on my part) only lasted mere seconds for she continued.

“In my day, the condoms weren’t good. Now, they are good. You have to wear them.”

My lip is bleeding. I can taste the bitter blood in my mouth. This is by far the worst conversation that I have ever had in my entire life. Dios, por favor, llevame. Take me now. I’m serious. I no longer wish to be here.

“El Guapo, women like responsible men. Wearing a condom is responsible.”

Dios, a heart attack will do. Maybe a stroke. I’d like to have an open casket, so don’t make me too droopy. I prefer to not have any pain, so any type of painless death would be great. Right now. Please take me. Estoy listo, I’m ready.

“Your grandfather didn’t like to wear condoms. This is why I had so many children.”

Dios, remember that whole thing about having a painless death? Yeah, I’ve changed my mind. If I can die right now, en este momento, I’m ok with the pain. Perhaps a drive-by shooting? A bullet right through the chest and one in the leg. Seriously, make it painful. I don’t care anymore. Just take me now.

“They have so many kinds now. My friend Dolores said there are some with little bumps so it feels better for the woman. You should buy that one.”

Hey God, hi, it’s me El Guapo. Yeah, um, have you been listening to my pleas these last couple of minutos? No? Well, here’s the thing, my 89-year old grandmother is talking about condoms. I think she just finished describing a ribbed condom. Now, I’m not sure what it is that I have done to offend you, but whatever it is please accept my apologies. Si, por favor. Lo siento mucho. I am very sorry.

“With condoms you don’t get the herpes. Don’t forget about your cousin Eduardo. He had them. He also had them on his lip, but I know he had them other places. I heard him talking about it. He wasn’t a responsible man.”

Dios, remember how you said it’s wrong to kill yourself? Does it count if I just stop breathing? The reason I ask is because I haven’t been breathing for a while now, but I’m still here. I don’t mean to criticize your work on the human body, because you did a stand up job, muy bueno, really, but how long before I pass out? Isn’t there a purgatory of some kind? I’d be ok with that. Do you see me lighting this candle? Yes, I’m doing this for you. I will light more. To lo prometo. Por favor. Please make this stop.

“You’re a good boy. You will find someone.”

You’re mi hermano, Dios! Gracias.

Yes, abuelita. I hope so. When will I know that I’ve found THE one?

“You will know.”

But how?

“She will be the one, that when you’re awake, makes you wish you would never blink because you don’t want to stop looking at her. She will be the one, that when sleeping, makes you wish you would never awaken because you don’t want to stop dreaming about her. You will know.”

God I hope so.

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo

16 Comments:

At 2:38 PM, Anonymous Kbean said...

You are un santo for surviving that!

Your story reminded me of a far less painful conversation in my life. I was living in Costa Rica and was really craving a pickle. I couldn't find them in the store so I figured I'd find a few slices on a McDonald's burger. I didn't even know the word for pickle but figured I could describe it, so I strutted my little blond blanquita ass to the counter and told the poor boy that all I really craved was a "pepino con preservativo". As the boy turned more and more roja, I thought he didn't understand me, so I started trying to describe a pickle with my hands while describing my need for the pepino. After a few minutes some nice woman behind me in line explained in English what I had just ordered!

 
At 2:39 PM, Blogger I-66 said...

aye coño!

que hiciste to deserve such conversation?

I think it's time for cerveza.

 
At 2:57 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

El Guapo,

I think I am in love with you.

 
At 3:11 PM, Blogger Namaste said...

Dios mio!

Even if abuelita is right, omg--that's hysterical!!!!!!!

Someone definitely pass the tequilla!

 
At 4:31 PM, Blogger Jamy said...

Abuelita is wonderful. I love her and her progressive views. I guess when you hit 89, it's too much trouble to be embarrassed.

 
At 5:04 PM, Blogger always write said...

This past weekend my mother and I were discussing our shared concern over my teenage sister's new romantic relationship. My Mom said, "She assured me she's not interested in doing that." And I asked, "What is that, exactly?" "Oh, well, not just that, but the other stuff too. She said she doesn't do any of that stuff. If you wanna know the truth I don't like it either. But then, sometimes you have to give to receive." And then I took five showers and went to bed with the lights on and the TV blaring. (It didn't help.)

 
At 5:46 PM, Blogger EchiZera said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 6:23 PM, Blogger EchiZera said...

I got a kick out of this post. How funny. My family would never reach those conversations.. they just seem to pretend we are all innocent!

 
At 8:11 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

That's beautiful - I haven't heard that one before. Did you (or Grandma) make it up, or is it an oldie-but-goodie?

 
At 8:15 PM, Blogger El Guapo in DC said...

This is an El Guapo family original.

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo

 
At 10:42 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Guapo,
I love DC and I love the Latin culture (especially those honey hips, Dios mio!), so finding your blog has made my day. Keep it up.

~a Southern belle

 
At 10:51 PM, Blogger Foilwoman said...

Hey, my Mormor (my Danish grandmother) certainly wasn't Latina, but she and I were taking a walk through a college campus, and a nicely muscled young man strolled past us. She said, "Oh, look at that nice go to hell body." I said (age 23, then): "Mormor, what do you mean?" She said: "For that, I'm willing to go straight to hell."

She was 73 at the time. Go grandmothers. I think she would have liked abuelita. She once discussed the difficulty of travelling to the Middle East with my grandfather in the 1950s, because she couldn't get good spermicide for her diaphragm and she didn't want to be there with him and not have fun in bed. Oy.

 
At 11:02 PM, Blogger Thicky said...

Abuelitas are so caring for the boys, pero para las ninas, so much stronger, mi abuela says que tengo parar bumming around the bars and encontrar me un hombre older than me con un trabajo respectable, nothing as sweet as what your grandma said.

 
At 12:07 AM, Blogger RoarSavage said...

OMG. It's the middle of the night, I'm tipsy from Salsa and cocktails at Citron, and thought, what better time to acquaint myself with El Guapo. Man, er, Hombre, I was laughing out loud by myself reading that story. Absolutely freaking hillarious! Gracias! Now... bed for me.

 
At 7:42 AM, Blogger Rhinestone Cowgirl said...

Sometimes, I'm glad that my parents would rather die than acknowledge the existence of sex.

(Although, I certainly like your abuelita's style!)

 
At 11:09 PM, Anonymous applegreen said...

Haha! That was very very funny! I had to muffle my laughter while reading that! (Note:I'm in the office now).
But I love the way she described the ONE for you. That was truly beautiful. Hope you'll find her someday soon ^_^

Cheers,
Applegreen

 

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