Mi abuelita: Lectures

Entire conversation translated from Spanish. Abuelita speaks English, but she will be damned before she speaks it in her house.

“El Guapo, come here.” Yes abuelita. “What happened with Mercedes?”

Note that she has asked me this 17 times this week.

Abuelita, Mercedes and I aren’t together anymore.

“Why not? I liked her?”

Note that she always told mi madre that Mercedes had no manners and smelled of corn.

I don’t know Abuelita, sometimes people grow apart.

“Did you wear the condoms?”

Oh no… I bit my bottom lip at this because I don’t know what the normal reaction to this question is supposed to be. I wasn’t laughing, I was just in an awkward situation. I looked up at the ceiling for guidance, but I wasn’t in the kitchen and was unable to speak to Dios. This pause, (on my part) only lasted mere seconds for she continued.

“In my day, the condoms weren’t good. Now, they are good. You have to wear them.”

My lip is bleeding. I can taste the bitter blood in my mouth. This is by far the worst conversation that I have ever had in my entire life. Dios, por favor, llevame. Take me now. I’m serious. I no longer wish to be here.

“El Guapo, women like responsible men. Wearing a condom is responsible.”

Dios, a heart attack will do. Maybe a stroke. I’d like to have an open casket, so don’t make me too droopy. I prefer to not have any pain, so any type of painless death would be great. Right now. Please take me. Estoy listo, I’m ready.

“Your grandfather didn’t like to wear condoms. This is why I had so many children.”

Dios, remember that whole thing about having a painless death? Yeah, I’ve changed my mind. If I can die right now, en este momento, I’m ok with the pain. Perhaps a drive-by shooting? A bullet right through the chest and one in the leg. Seriously, make it painful. I don’t care anymore. Just take me now.

“They have so many kinds now. My friend Dolores said there are some with little bumps so it feels better for the woman. You should buy that one.”

Hey God, hi, it’s me El Guapo. Yeah, um, have you been listening to my pleas these last couple of minutos? No? Well, here’s the thing, my 89-year old grandmother is talking about condoms. I think she just finished describing a ribbed condom. Now, I’m not sure what it is that I have done to offend you, but whatever it is please accept my apologies. Si, por favor. Lo siento mucho. I am very sorry.

“With condoms you don’t get the herpes. Don’t forget about your cousin Eduardo. He had them. He also had them on his lip, but I know he had them other places. I heard him talking about it. He wasn’t a responsible man.”

Dios, remember how you said it’s wrong to kill yourself? Does it count if I just stop breathing? The reason I ask is because I haven’t been breathing for a while now, but I’m still here. I don’t mean to criticize your work on the human body, because you did a stand up job, muy bueno, really, but how long before I pass out? Isn’t there a purgatory of some kind? I’d be ok with that. Do you see me lighting this candle? Yes, I’m doing this for you. I will light more. To lo prometo. Por favor. Please make this stop.

“You’re a good boy. You will find someone.”

You’re mi hermano, Dios! Gracias.

Yes, abuelita. I hope so. When will I know that I’ve found THE one?

“You will know.”

But how?

“She will be the one, that when you’re awake, makes you wish you would never blink because you don’t want to stop looking at her. She will be the one, that when sleeping, makes you wish you would never awaken because you don’t want to stop dreaming about her. You will know.”

God I hope so.

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo