El Guapo in DC

I am El Guapo. The most Guapo man in all of DC. Mucho Amor

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Douchebageria

There I was taking the 54 bus down 14th street when I saw a group of about 10 of DC’s finest on the corner of 14th and U.

Ave Maria, what is going on in the newest, hippest, over-priced neighborhood of Washington DC? Living up to the “busy-body” title that mi madre has given me over the years, I got off the bus to see what could need 5 police officers on each corner.

Oh. Look at that. They’re handing out Jaywalking tickets. Well, not even tickets. They were Jaywalking WARNING tickets. Ten police officers in Washington, DC. Jaywalking. Turns out they’re all over the city. Handing out Jaywalking tickets.

Jaywalking tickets? Pedestrian safety? Mira, if you can’t figure out the difference between the white walking man and the flashing red don’t walk man then you deserve to be hit by a car.

Pedestrian safety? Gracias, no thanks. When it comes to figuring out how to cross the street I say it should be about survival of the fittest. So a couple of people get hit, that’s the price you pay. Crossing the street isn’t hard. You look one way, you look another, if it’s all clear you cross. Need me to repeat that? No.

This is the nation’s capitol. We’re not in Buenos Aires where they tango mercilessly across the streets.

I just find it interesting that these police officers are working what I call “fancy” neighborhoods. Why don’t they come to the ghetto? Try giving pedestrian safety tips to the transvestites on my block.

There was a man who was shot in the face because of a pizza blocks from my house. Why don’t the DC police hand out “Don’t shoot people in the face because of pizza” flyers? Seriously. I want to see this flyer:

DON’T SHOOT PEOPLE IN THE FACE BECAUSE OF PIZZA
WHY?

1. SHOOTING PEOPLE IN THE FACE BECAUSE OF PIZZA IS ILLEGAL.
2. GET YOUR LAZY ASS A JOB AND WORK TWO POINT FIVE HOURS TO BUY SAID PIZZA.
3. SHOOTING PEOPLE FOR A PIZZA BAD. WORKING TWO POINT FIVE HOURS TO BUY A PIZZA IS GOOD.

This is a flyer that I would like to see.

Then again, using 10 police officers to hand out jaywalking tickets seems like a better idea than fighting crime. Maybe the residents of my neighborhood are happier knowing that they were reminded to look both ways while crack dealers roam the streets. Hell, the crack dealers will roam the streets with more voracity now that they know how to be safe while crossing the streets.

To quote the famous Guatemalan poet Walt Whitman:

“The amount of douchebaggery in this city never ceases to amaze me.”
Yes, Walt Whitman was Guatemalan.

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo

16 Comments:

At 1:22 AM, Anonymous gringita said...

¡¡¡ primera!!! te quiero guapo ;) me encanta tu blog :) no conozco ningunos guatemaltecos--- encantada :) soy una gringa americana, espero que no te lo moleste ;)

 
At 5:17 AM, Blogger P1P said...

I'm with you. Stop warning the stupid. Let evolution take it's toll. In a couple of generations we will only have people who are sensible enough to look both ways before crossing the street. In London you learn quickly!

 
At 7:28 AM, Blogger John said...

I had no idea Walt Whitman was Guatemalan! What other famous homosexuals are from Guatemala? I'm dying to know.

And what is your thing with Walt Whitman lately? Are you trying to tell us something?

And I wholeheartedly agree with natural selection vis a vis jaywalking. It's also particularly galling that they were wasting time on warning tickets -- not even generating any revenue! Appallingly inefficient.

 
At 8:32 AM, Anonymous bklyn babe said...

John, apparently you just don't get it.

Of course these warning tickets do not generate any revenue, but they do generate *overtime* pay for the cops.

 
At 9:05 AM, Blogger DC Cookie said...

I can't wait until they go 'undercover' to catch these jay-walking criminals...

 
At 10:08 AM, Blogger HomeImprovementNinja said...

Walt Whitman was NOT a homosexual!

1) He's got a big beard and raggedy clothes. Homosexuals don't look like that; haven't you ever seen Queer Eye for the Straight Guy?

2) Gayness wasn't even invented until 1964 (although proto-gayness has always existed in France and Denmark).

 
At 10:46 AM, Blogger theinebriantgrape said...

Dear El Guapo,

I am so relieved that you saw the light by the end of your post. It is true: the residents of your neighborhood are truly happier knowing that they were reminded to look both ways while crack dealers roam the streets.

MUCH LOVE FROM THE A T L

 
At 11:16 AM, Blogger El Guapo in DC said...

You'd be surprised how many in the literary world come from Guatemala. We are the Harvard of Central America.

El Guapo

 
At 11:35 AM, Blogger Rev. Smokin Steve said...

Another flyer I would like to see...

DON'T HAVE SEX WITH YOUR STUDENTS IF YOU ARE A TEACHER.

We just had someone near Philly who was a 34 year old female teacher who got caught with one of her 13 year old students.

It's the epitamy of dumb.

 
At 12:18 PM, Blogger Dennis! said...

While I totally agree with you that idiots who don't know how to cross the street should be subject to Darwin's law, unfortunately, they're not, and drivers end up basically having to wait for them. I'd just as soon run them over as they saunter their (usually fat) asses across the street against the light, but I can't, because that would be manslaughter or murder.

That said, expending that much police manpower on jaywalking tickets is retarded.

 
At 12:38 PM, Blogger Kayla said...

I have been stopped by police officers twice while running. Once while waiting for the light to change, a cop gave me a lecture about my iPod (wearing it while I run). Um, ok. Second time while crossing against the light... (after looking both ways and not seeing any cars coming).. I am an obvious menace to society and should be jailed immediately.

 
At 1:51 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love the guy who takes his sweet time because he knows I won't run him over. I always rev the engine -
look at him jump!

btw Steve, that's "epitome of dumb".

 
At 2:46 PM, Anonymous jorge said...

Walt was guatemalteco? Sounds like someone has been smoking leaves of grass.

 
At 5:19 PM, Anonymous Mamasita said...

You are not a 'busy body' you are a champion of rights, an invenstigative reporter and a protector of mankind (or transvestites).

 
At 12:01 AM, Blogger Velvet said...

Aah. Ragging on the D.C. cops. Awesome. I was pushed in front of my building so a guy could get inside, and I called those useless good for nothing lazy bastards in the uniform. And several cop cars drove BY me before I flagged one down and said, "I called 911 an hour ago, are you here for me?"

No one ever got the call despite the fact that I called 911 TWICE! Useless useless useless.

 
At 1:49 AM, Anonymous Erin said...

Dearest El Guapo....
I wanted to write you an email and show you the post on my blog honoring YOU! But I can't get the automatic email link to work on my computer, something isn't set up right on my mac and well, I am the opposite of skillful when it comes to computers.
I want to show you my El Guapo Post without linking to it here... Will you leave me your email message in a comment? or is that not "done" in the blogosphere?
Blessings on You and Your Guaponian Mustache...

-E-

 

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