Barrio Poetry

Ay Dios mio. So, I just walked in the house after witnessing something that made me laugh. Now, some of you will not find this very funny, but I’m here to help you. In fact, after reading this, your life may very well be changed.

I live in the ghetto where the gringos are transitioning the hell out of the place. You throw a crack rock and chances are you’re going to hit a new condo development. Hey, I hear it’s muy trendy to say you live in a loft that overlooks a crack house.

Anyway, you get the point. Construction everywhere. With construction, come construction workers. With construction workers, come Latino construction workers (except on the Day Without Immigrants). With Latino construction workers, come some of the most imaginative phrases ever put together.

Now, if I were to see a beautiful woman at a club, I would approach her with my very sexy Latino accent and say:

“Hello. I saw you trying to dance with this “man”. A woman with your beauty should not be in the embrace of such a gorilla. Allow me to show you the proper way.”

Please read the above line with a very sexy Guatemalan accent. It only works if you do it with a very sexy Guatemalan accent. Imagine saying the word “oranges”, but be sure to roll your “r’s”. That is how sexy I speak. That's right. Calma yourselves. Ready? Vamos.

A Latino construction worker would never approach the woman. He would yell at the top of his lungs from across the room, “Hey baby, come over here and let this Guatemalan rub you real good on the dance floor so that I can get you in the mood and show you my banana.”

Construction workers like detail. The beauty of their vernacular (new word for El Guapo) is how descriptive they get.

A regular man may say, “Hey, nice ass!”

Never a Latino construction worker. They know that they represent proud men and women who have can make words dance with their adjectives and verbs. They would never shame their ancestors by simply saying “nice ass”. No. Nunca.

A Latino construction worker would say, “Hey mami! I want to rest my head on your juicy ass while you jump up and down on my bed full while we eat watermelon off of each other and spit the seeds into each other’s mouth.” Or something like that.

A regular man may say, “Want my banana?”

A Latino construction worker would say, “Heeeeeey. I got my right leg shot off in a war. This isn’t my leg. It’s my banana. You hungry?”

I’m very proud. This is mi gente.

Now, unless you like to hear about war injuries and their lunch menu, this can be avoided. In fact, cat calls by Latino men can be avoided altogether if you wish.

Do you know why they make these comments to you? It’s because you made eye contact. That’s it. Si. Latino construction workers, hell, Latino men believe that if you look at them you want to make sweet amor with them. Not just love. Sweet, Sweet magic love.

Have sunglasses on and they can’t see your eyes? Well, you’re looking at them as far as they’re concerned. Look, if you look in their direction then you’re looking at them.

How do you avoid this? Well, you can act like you’re looking for a lost pupusa and stare at the floor, but even then they may think you’re just shy and really want to look at them.

Sometimes it’s hard out there for a Latino. Knowing that you are so very sexy yet not being in an environment conducive to verbal harassment (barrio poetry).

For the record, if you see me, you will welcome my cat calls. For the record (if mi Linda is reading this) I wouldn’t make cat calls because I find them to be demeaning and sexist and frankly any man who has to make himself feel superior by using this type of language doesn’t even deserve to breathe….

Mucho Amor,

El "Try not to make eye contact" Guapo