El Guapo in DC

I am El Guapo. The most Guapo man in all of DC. Mucho Amor

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Barrio Poetry

Ay Dios mio. So, I just walked in the house after witnessing something that made me laugh. Now, some of you will not find this very funny, but I’m here to help you. In fact, after reading this, your life may very well be changed.

I live in the ghetto where the gringos are transitioning the hell out of the place. You throw a crack rock and chances are you’re going to hit a new condo development. Hey, I hear it’s muy trendy to say you live in a loft that overlooks a crack house.

Anyway, you get the point. Construction everywhere. With construction, come construction workers. With construction workers, come Latino construction workers (except on the Day Without Immigrants). With Latino construction workers, come some of the most imaginative phrases ever put together.

Now, if I were to see a beautiful woman at a club, I would approach her with my very sexy Latino accent and say:

“Hello. I saw you trying to dance with this “man”. A woman with your beauty should not be in the embrace of such a gorilla. Allow me to show you the proper way.”

Please read the above line with a very sexy Guatemalan accent. It only works if you do it with a very sexy Guatemalan accent. Imagine saying the word “oranges”, but be sure to roll your “r’s”. That is how sexy I speak. That's right. Calma yourselves. Ready? Vamos.

A Latino construction worker would never approach the woman. He would yell at the top of his lungs from across the room, “Hey baby, come over here and let this Guatemalan rub you real good on the dance floor so that I can get you in the mood and show you my banana.”

Construction workers like detail. The beauty of their vernacular (new word for El Guapo) is how descriptive they get.

A regular man may say, “Hey, nice ass!”

Never a Latino construction worker. They know that they represent proud men and women who have can make words dance with their adjectives and verbs. They would never shame their ancestors by simply saying “nice ass”. No. Nunca.

A Latino construction worker would say, “Hey mami! I want to rest my head on your juicy ass while you jump up and down on my bed full while we eat watermelon off of each other and spit the seeds into each other’s mouth.” Or something like that.

A regular man may say, “Want my banana?”

A Latino construction worker would say, “Heeeeeey. I got my right leg shot off in a war. This isn’t my leg. It’s my banana. You hungry?”

I’m very proud. This is mi gente.

Now, unless you like to hear about war injuries and their lunch menu, this can be avoided. In fact, cat calls by Latino men can be avoided altogether if you wish.

Do you know why they make these comments to you? It’s because you made eye contact. That’s it. Si. Latino construction workers, hell, Latino men believe that if you look at them you want to make sweet amor with them. Not just love. Sweet, Sweet magic love.

Have sunglasses on and they can’t see your eyes? Well, you’re looking at them as far as they’re concerned. Look, if you look in their direction then you’re looking at them.

How do you avoid this? Well, you can act like you’re looking for a lost pupusa and stare at the floor, but even then they may think you’re just shy and really want to look at them.

Sometimes it’s hard out there for a Latino. Knowing that you are so very sexy yet not being in an environment conducive to verbal harassment (barrio poetry).

For the record, if you see me, you will welcome my cat calls. For the record (if mi Linda is reading this) I wouldn’t make cat calls because I find them to be demeaning and sexist and frankly any man who has to make himself feel superior by using this type of language doesn’t even deserve to breathe….

Mucho Amor,

El "Try not to make eye contact" Guapo

27 Comments:

At 11:48 PM, Blogger Foilwoman said...

I don't think that thought process is unique to the Guatamalan male (as macho and handsome as he may be). I think most men, at least most men I have observed think that a woman who shares an elevator with them, wants them. I once listened to a young man explain how a pretty waitress wanted him. How did he know? She asked him what he wanted for lunch. I think my case is proved. My work here is done.

 
At 12:06 AM, Anonymous Leda said...

For several years, I was puzzled by the behavior that you describe. The Spanish teacher at the junior high school at which I was employed gave the same explanation you did. At the time, I did not believe him. Perhaps I was mistaken...

 
At 9:58 AM, Anonymous pagalina said...

First time to your blog (got link from waiterrant) enjoyed your writing! I can HEAR the sexy guatemalen!

 
At 12:32 PM, Blogger Rev. Smokin Steve said...

Not true Foilwoman...

I spent most of my adult life thinking that most women did not want me. I had a lot of self-loathing at one time. Some of us men convince ourselves that you women wouldn't go for a guy like us. That is why I spent many a night alone.

I got over it. But we are not all as confident as El Guapo.

 
At 1:45 PM, Blogger DC Cookie said...

I would never avoid the cat calls. They make me jog faster, and help my metabolism. Thank you latino construction workers!

 
At 2:57 PM, Blogger la guera loca said...

I don't avoid them either. I fancy they're an innovative way to learn the spanish they don't teach you in school.

Well that and because my boyfriend is a latino construction worker. I like his cat calls.

 
At 5:02 PM, Anonymous jali said...

I have to stop reading your posts while at work. My coworkers are giving me these crazy looks when I bust out laughing. More, Papi, more please. (do all women say that to you on a regular basis?)

 
At 5:28 PM, Blogger Prom said...

What if the woman calls them first? "Hey Latino Lover Boy, I know you want me you big macho man but let me tell you, you couldn't keep it up long enough to be worth my time."

You think they call back?

 
At 5:56 PM, Blogger El Guapo in DC said...

Las mujeres give me cat calls frequently. It can not be helped. They are hypnotized by my Guatemalan good looks. And yes, I go right back to them and make them blush.

This papi chulo is malo...

EG

 
At 5:57 PM, Blogger Washington Cube said...

Well..you covered a lot of fruit groups. Women in D.C. are gonna have to go all Carmen Miranda on you and wear fruit baskets on their heads:

http://www.bagelsound.com/
lj/carmen-miranda.jpg

 
At 8:22 PM, Blogger jaymichaelrivera said...

Aiy, EG, you've done it again. Thanks for making the work day a bit more tolerable.

I work with this attractive young Mexicanita who occasionally asks me to help certain Mexicanos who come into our office and blather on about how much land they have in Mexico and how they are looking for a mamacita to make them tortillas. It's usually accompanied with fake ostrich skin boots, a belt buckle that can pick up satellite radio from Singapore and a shirt unbuttoned to the diaphragm -- gold medallion of the Virgin de Guadalupe sold separately. The darker, hairier and uglier they are, the more in your face they get. Have to sort of admire mi gente for their hutzpah.

 
At 9:17 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I gotta say.. I think just being blonde does me in... but I learned in Ecuador if you whistle at them first they blush and freak out... that's way more entertaining than trying to figure out how to hide!-La Rubicita

 
At 11:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

When I still lived in Takoma Park, whenever I took my car to the PepBoys I either got a marriage proposal, had kissing noises made in my face, or was told by a stranger that they loved me...all of these things by latino men only. Is it because I'm blonde??

 
At 11:11 AM, Blogger la guera loca said...

My theory is that it's all about probability. The more times they catcall, the higher their chances are of a woman actually responding. Besides, aren't they just acting on the same feelings all men have? White dude is thinking "i'd like to tap that ass", latino dude has the huevos to say it.

Thus, the reason I don't trust white people. We're repressed.

 
At 11:34 AM, Blogger Rev. Smokin Steve said...

By the way... happy Cinco De Mayo everybody. El Guapo, I know you are Guatemalan and it is a Mexican holiday, but I hope you will be celebrating too.

I will be the DJ tonight at a local Irish bar. But I will be sure to be drinking Dos Equis. I may have to bring my own.

 
At 5:46 PM, Blogger porchwise said...

I've been in and out of D.C. for the past forty years (one time for a three months stay) and those powers-that-be seem to forever tear down and rebuild. I don't think it has much to do with race; more to do with money (greed).

 
At 3:39 AM, Blogger Cheetarah1980 said...

cat calls, no matter how lewd boost my self esteem. I need to hear at least 10 a day to keep from jumping off a bridge. Keep em coming, especially in that sexy Guatemalan accent.

 
At 12:23 PM, Anonymous P said...

Ay, mami! I wrote an article on piropos recently. La Rubicita's suggestion made me giggle: can you imagine ladies pre-empting the guys with their own nasty piropos before they can get a "mami!" in?

El Guapo, I am taking Spanish classes for you. En serio. Well, I'm taking Spanish classes anyway. Whether they're for you or not depends on ti Linda.

:)

 
At 4:56 PM, Blogger Roonie said...

Don't make eye contact...unless you want to see how creative a Latino construction worker can be! Some of us like to push the limits, El Guapo!

 
At 1:10 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow, just stumbled here today. Very interesting. Thanks for writing.

 
At 10:32 AM, Anonymous Mamasita said...

You realize that cat calling happens here more frequently than in Latin America. I've traveled extensively and don't get as many kisses, whistles, hoolass's and "eh, mamasita's". We are extremely lucky to have a consentration of romantic construction workers here. :)

 
At 11:54 AM, Anonymous Tatum said...

There's something about hard, sweaty work that makes men horny.

 
At 11:22 PM, Blogger Kaydee said...

It must be something about your country. I have three friends from Guatemala, and they are all so clever. (Though admittedly, not quite as clever as you seem to be.) I have heard they are somewhat well known in their country. If you are even funnier, I wonder if you too are well knows to your gente. :) Muchas Gracias, very interesting reading. I will return.

 
At 11:45 AM, Anonymous Enanita said...

Give me the latino cat calls anyday. Los gringos have no creativity.

 
At 12:28 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Catcalls are NOT sexy at all. To me, they have a nasty flow to them, not friendly and certainly not attracting, in fact they have the opposite effect. They are introverting, they mean that you can't walk around happy and extroverted and just BEING in the environment without being a moving target. To the men that think catcalling is a good thing, how would YOU like it if no matter where you went or what you did, some fat 50 year old would be making a rude comment about some part of your anatomy? Or try to walk into you while you were struggling with heavy bags of groceries. I feel Latino catcallers specifically target white women out of some covert hostility. The reason I say this is because I have had Latino men make catcalls to me, while ignoring Latino women who were much younger AND dressed much sexier. So what is THAT? Don't tell me it's about sexual attraction only, because it's not. And, to El Guapo's claim that you have to look at the man for him to say something, I have had plenty of catcalls come at me "out of the blue", while I was staring down at the sidewalk or something.

 
At 12:57 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'd like to modify my last post. I'm sure there are some catcallers who say what they say in a friendlier spirit, and because they like the way a woman looks. I guess it is like any communication, it can be said with a positive intention, or a nasty one, depending on the person saying it. And I have met plenty of Latino men who are friendly, nice people. Not all Latino men are catcallers, nor are all catcallers bad people. But for most of the time, it is not a positive or helpful form of communication.

 
At 1:41 PM, Blogger Row-Bird-Oh said...

Paisano... cuidado hombre, don't reveal too much. I myself have been described as "sexy" because I try to hold true to the idea of the Guatemalan gentleman. BUT that is because we men from Guate tend to speak in a "dirty" fashion much better than most (and it's usually behind closed doors). It is our flare with words and our eagerness to please that allows us to create a warm flame in women... too bad not more gringas understand nor appreciate our way of speaking. If they only knew :)

 

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