El Guapo in DC

I am El Guapo. The most Guapo man in all of DC. Mucho Amor

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Ciao

“Ok, Ciao. I’ll see you later.”

I’m sorry, what’s that you said?

"I said, see you later."

No, that foreign word before you said that. What was that?

“Ciao! That’s like ‘Bye’ in Italian.”

Yes, I’m aware of what it means. I am Guatemalan. I know everything. Why do you say it?

“Because just saying goodbye is soooo tacky.”

Hmmm. Si? Interesting. Remind me, Amy, where are you from again?

“Pittsburgh!”

Amy, listen to me. Please pay attention to the words that are coming out my mouth. Por favor. This is serious. Do not, under any circumstance utter the word “Ciao” again. You’re not allowed. Ever.

“What?”

Yes, you see, it is tacky for someone from Pittsburgh to say the word “Ciao”. You’re not allowed. I’m pulling the Latin card. It’s red, you’re out. Don’t talk. Don’t say a word. Shhhhh. Good girl.

Oh yeah, while we’re at it, you’re not allowed to call your apartment a “flat” either. You’re not British and I don’t care if you spent a semester in London. You’re from Pittsburgh. You’re not allowed. If you say “cheers” to me one more time instead of thank you, we’re going to have serious issues. You may get bitch slapped. Not by me, but I will find someone to do it. Trust me. That girl over there was giving you dirty looks. She'll do it in a second.

You’re from Pittsburgh damn it! Just live with it. When you’re drunk I’ve heard you say “Yins”. I know that saying “Ciao” makes you feel more exotic, cultured, sexy even. Listen to me say it: Ciao. Sexy right? Damn straight it is. I’m Guatemalan. I’m sexy anyway, but when I say that, it comes out even sexier. Now, when you say it, it makes me, those people all the way in the back of the restaurant, no further back, yes, them, and all the people sitting at the bar cringe. We all cringe. We know that you are from Pittsburgh and have no business saying these words. I know it’s not fair, but you’re not allowed.

“That’s crap. Who can say those words?”

Well, since I am the official spokesperson for the Latino community, I am able to give permission for someone to say these words. However, since it will be Antarctica in hell before you ever receive such permission, this will not be happening. Who can say Ciao? Anyone south of Texas with the exception of Belize and Costa Rica. I revoked their privileges long ago. Anyone from Portugal, Spain, and Italy. Any island in the Caribbean is allowed to say ciao, however, not any island dweller is allowed. Australians and people from New Zealand are not allowed to say it. Actually, if you come from an English speaking country you’re not allowed to say Ciao. I’ve heard you say it and frankly, it makes me cry. Not more than someone from Pittsburgh, Wisconsin, Iowa or Georgia, but it still makes me cry. I may be forgetting someone, so if you think of someone else just ask.

Do I look sexy when I cry? Yes. It’s hot. Amazing really. I’m Guatemalan. Everything I do is sexy. This can not be helped.

Any other questions? No? Good. This is for your own good. I’m saving you from looking like an idiota in public. You may not like me right now, but you’ll thank me later. Trust me. I’m Guatemalan. I know best.

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo

30 Comments:

At 2:16 PM, Blogger maxx said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 2:17 PM, Blogger maxx said...

i often feel that way about the word "wicked" (As in, "it's wicked cold out here!). heard of it? no? it's because it's a new england thing. and everytime i use it i get the same response, people laugh at me. and then two days later i hear them say it! not cool. you cannot mock then take it for your own. i'm from VT. we don't have much in the way of cool, so don't try to steal what little bit we have...

 
At 2:46 PM, Blogger Thicky said...

que haces en la noche??? This is great, please create a list of unacceptable motions/slang for las nieves.

 
At 2:59 PM, Anonymous Susan said...

Oh El G, I have fallen in love with you these last few weeks reading your posts. You are the spice that would compliment my sugar (read: pale Irish girl). Thanks for your wit and wisdom. Much love from NH.

 
At 3:54 PM, Blogger RoarSavage said...

Wow. I guess this means when I said "Puerto Riceno" today at work, and my PR'an workmate said I had "good pronunciation," what he really meant was, "Stop butchering my language, Gringa."

:(

 
At 5:41 PM, Blogger Hélène said...

Hey El G, I'd happily bitch slap anyone saying "cheers" in my vicinity, too bad I'm west coast & can't help you out. I swear, every nerdy, unattractive wine-geek uses "cheers" as though it makes them cool, hip, British. all it ever does is make me want to scream at the pretension. idiots.

 
At 6:01 PM, Anonymous Auntie Mame said...

"Well, when you're from Pittsburgh you have to do something."

 
At 6:48 PM, Anonymous bklyn babe said...

Picky, picky, picky. . .

This tells me that you're probably not getting enough of something.

 
At 7:44 PM, Anonymous jane said...

We recently returned from a trip to the D.R. where all the lovely employees at our resort greeted the guests with a friendly "hola" when we walked by. Thus, it was all I could do to keep a straight face when, on our return-trip layover in North Carolina, we were greeted by a perky Southerner in an airport "Mexican" restaurant with a twangy "Eau-Lah!"

So very, very wrong.

 
At 7:49 PM, Anonymous restaurant gal said...

I promise on all that encompasses my WASP heritage, that I will never, EVER use Cheers again when I sign off on an email. But, EG, I only meant it in the sense of I am cheery, hope you are cheerful, be of cheer. Who knew I was so off base? Cheers, I mean, Best Wishes--The Gal

 
At 8:27 PM, Blogger casey said...

Does that mean I can't say shiznit anymore either?

 
At 10:15 PM, Blogger Bob said...

What about "chau?" Am I allowed to say that? As in "Chau, pibe?"

 
At 10:22 PM, Anonymous sofitel said...

Hm I don't know if it's just my opinion but ever since your last visit to the doctor your posts have been lacking a certain je ne sais quoi ( am I allowed to say that?) ;)

 
At 11:35 PM, Anonymous Michelle said...

I don't mind people saying "ciao", but what really makes my teeth hurt is when they misspell it as "chow". One is Italian, the other is COWBOY. Thank you for spelling it right, El Guapo.

 
At 7:49 AM, Blogger Foilwoman said...

El Guapo: May I receive a dispensation to refer to my apartment as the FoilFlat, simply for alliterative purposes? Please email me and tell me. Or tell me here, that's fine.

 
At 11:53 AM, Anonymous Sara said...

El Guapo, I live a multicultural life in a multicultural world, and I do not apologize for eating pupusas with Cholula, for putting bottled Bombay curry sauce over fettucine (try it before you sneer), for drinking Guinness with sushi, or for using both "ciao" and "cheers" as I see fit. I do not apologize for being able to say "thank you" in at least ten different languages -- and doing so as any given situation may merit -- or for being able and willing to curse in at least seven. I am from Southern California, yet whiter than the belly of a halibut. I am sorry this combination of facts offends your delicate Guatemalan sensibilities, but you will have to love me the way I am or not at all.

Mucho amor, pobrecito. The world is a confusing place even after one learns to open one's mind as much as one's heart -- and one's mouth. Might as well embrace the good parts, with gusto, no matter their source.

 
At 12:25 PM, Blogger Rev. Smokin Steve said...

Dude... you made me spit Dos Equis out my nose reading this one. Too damn funny!

 
At 1:09 PM, Blogger DC Cookie said...

And if you ever say "eh?" I'm going to have to sick the RCMP on you, my Guatamalan amour...

 
At 6:29 PM, Blogger Debby said...

I guess I'll just have to stick with regular old curses here. Unfortunately, it may be difficult shug. I'm Irish and French. My hubby is Bohunk. My oldest daughter's father is Italian. My first husband was American Indian. My oldest granddaughter's father is Ecuadorian. I've picked up quite a smattering of languages along the way and sprinkle my speech liberally. Do I have permission darlin, or must I stick with plain old yankee english? Tell me quickly before a commit a faux pas!

 
At 12:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ay ay ay, el guapo. After dedicating my high school and college curriculum to learning Spanish and spending lots of time in Spain and Latin America, I reserve the right to throw in a ciao, hola, hijo de p*ta, lo que sea as I see fit. You should understand that many gringos have mucho amor for these palabras. Also, mis primos have a Colomian father and my fluent Spanish is better than their few words, yet you would give them permission to say ciao. Te quiero mucho, el guapo, pero I disagree completely with this post.

 
At 5:40 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

That is silly, El Guapo. I don't think I've ever said, "Ciao." But, I do know people that have and it hasn't bothered me in the slightest. I am a young Australian woman. We are relaxed here.

You are in America, right? You were born there? So, why is it not okay for Amy to say, "Ciao," when you yourself were born in America, but pepper your language with Guatemalan? By your logic, if you were not born there, you can't speak it.

Of course, for me family language whether foreign or not is fine. If that's how your parents speak, then that's how you'll learn. If someone is trying to be something they're not, they'll realise it in their own sweet time and you making them feel a couple of words are wrong...well how anal can you get? LOL.

They aren't swearing or uttering an unholy phrase. Don't put people on a potter's wheel and try to change them into what you want them to be, do, or act. It never works.

 
At 11:21 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

hahahaha. That last comment was the funniest. Satire within satire? A joke within a joke? Hmm.

 
At 12:51 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am Japanese, and don't have the slightest problem with people saying, "arigato" in their gringo accents. I see it as their way of being friendly, and it adds a little humor to my day.

I find it interesting that you make this point, because from what I can gather from your previous posts, you are not Guatemalan, but Guatemalan-American. That is a very significant difference.
Is it not ironic that a cultural mutt like yourself is so obsessed with the purity and sanctity of cultures and languages? If we were to follow your logic, what would give you the right to use Spanish phrases? What gave your parents the right to speak English? What would a REAL Guatemalan think of you sprinkling their language into your English posts?

 
At 8:24 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi EL G!

I have to say that I don't agree with you on this, I say cheers and ciao all the time - depending on what I feel like.

I guess being an Aussie means that I don't really care about the blur of lines in regards to nationalities. Plus the Aussies have kept most of the British sayings and made them Aussie.

Sorry El G - I agree in part that some shouldn't but I think that there needs to be some more tolerance from everyone.

Cheers!!

 
At 8:47 PM, Blogger Jagd Kunst said...

I agree with you entirely. In New Zealand our honky newsreaders are allowed to say "Kiora" (indigene speak for hello) at 6pm, but I forbid you from saying it. It's not fair, but that's the way it is.

 
At 10:29 PM, Blogger El Guapo in DC said...

Some for, some against, most against, lo siento. I see your point, pero I can't condone it, but I still love you and pray that you or someone you love marries a Guatemalan.

EG

 
At 4:38 PM, Blogger Berry-licious said...

Great post! I've been dying to lash out at a friend for his blatant over use of "caio". Think I'll just send him this post.

I thought my disgust was just with "caio", but no. Met someone recently who says "cheers" all the time - CRINGE (and intense desire to bitch slap)!

 
At 9:45 PM, Blogger java bean rush said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 9:52 PM, Blogger java bean rush said...

ROFL ROFL

You had me crying, I laughed so hard!

Wow! You had me in the moment!

 
At 12:34 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey I say wicked too! I'm from Massachusetts and never knew it was a New England thing until I came to DC and people laugh at me.

 

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