“Ok, Ciao. I’ll see you later.”
I’m sorry, what’s that you said?
"I said, see you later."
No, that foreign word before you said that. What was that?
“Ciao! That’s like ‘Bye’ in Italian.”
Yes, I’m aware of what it means. I am Guatemalan. I know everything. Why do you say it?
“Because just saying goodbye is soooo tacky.”
Hmmm. Si? Interesting. Remind me, Amy, where are you from again?
Amy, listen to me. Please pay attention to the words that are coming out my mouth. Por favor. This is serious. Do not, under any circumstance utter the word “Ciao” again. You’re not allowed. Ever.
Yes, you see, it is tacky for someone from Pittsburgh to say the word “Ciao”. You’re not allowed. I’m pulling the Latin card. It’s red, you’re out. Don’t talk. Don’t say a word. Shhhhh. Good girl.
Oh yeah, while we’re at it, you’re not allowed to call your apartment a “flat” either. You’re not British and I don’t care if you spent a semester in London. You’re from Pittsburgh. You’re not allowed. If you say “cheers” to me one more time instead of thank you, we’re going to have serious issues. You may get bitch slapped. Not by me, but I will find someone to do it. Trust me. That girl over there was giving you dirty looks. She'll do it in a second.
You’re from Pittsburgh damn it! Just live with it. When you’re drunk I’ve heard you say “Yins”. I know that saying “Ciao” makes you feel more exotic, cultured, sexy even. Listen to me say it: Ciao. Sexy right? Damn straight it is. I’m Guatemalan. I’m sexy anyway, but when I say that, it comes out even sexier. Now, when you say it, it makes me, those people all the way in the back of the restaurant, no further back, yes, them, and all the people sitting at the bar cringe. We all cringe. We know that you are from Pittsburgh and have no business saying these words. I know it’s not fair, but you’re not allowed.
“That’s crap. Who can say those words?”
Well, since I am the official spokesperson for the Latino community, I am able to give permission for someone to say these words. However, since it will be Antarctica in hell before you ever receive such permission, this will not be happening. Who can say Ciao? Anyone south of Texas with the exception of Belize and Costa Rica. I revoked their privileges long ago. Anyone from Portugal, Spain, and Italy. Any island in the Caribbean is allowed to say ciao, however, not any island dweller is allowed. Australians and people from New Zealand are not allowed to say it. Actually, if you come from an English speaking country you’re not allowed to say Ciao. I’ve heard you say it and frankly, it makes me cry. Not more than someone from Pittsburgh, Wisconsin, Iowa or Georgia, but it still makes me cry. I may be forgetting someone, so if you think of someone else just ask.
Do I look sexy when I cry? Yes. It’s hot. Amazing really. I’m Guatemalan. Everything I do is sexy. This can not be helped.
Any other questions? No? Good. This is for your own good. I’m saving you from looking like an idiota in public. You may not like me right now, but you’ll thank me later. Trust me. I’m Guatemalan. I know best.