I am writing to you from a strange place.
When I shower, it is with shampoo purple in color with French instructions. Should I lather and repeat? I don’t know. I don’t speak French. The French didn’t think that a Guatemalan would be staring at its miniscule bottle wondering what to do. I’m confused.
The books adorning the walls are not mine and most will never be read by me. Well, maybe that one over there. I may read that one. What book is that? The one with the man on the cover. The one with the man with the perfectly parted blonde hair. Si. What book is this?
Standing Firm by Dan Quayle
My entire life has been spent looking for the woman that I searched for in my dreams. Finally, I find her when my eyes were open and now this.
Something must be wrong. She’s Latina. Latina’s don’t have Dan Quayle books. Well, she’s half Latina. Well, she’s Brasilian. A Brasileira. Her padre is English. She’s an English-Brazilian-American. This book must be her father’s.
To Linda: Dan Quayle
Maybe her mother’s name is Linda? Is this true? Is this happening? Am I dating a Republican? Brasilians aren’t supposed to be Republican!!! She’s even Brasilian from her mother’s side and that’s the side that counts.
Colin Powell: My American Journey
Please don’t be signed. Please don’t be signed. Please don’t be signed.
I held the book in my trembling hands. Colin Powell. He’s not so bad. Actually, I like the hombre. I never really believed he was Republican. Colin stared at me with his calming eyes and my hands stopped shaking.
So, Mr. Powell, como estas?
Hello El Guapo. Fancy seeing you with this book.
Si, I’m a bit flustered myself. You’re a great man and all Mr. Powell, but I did not purchase you. I simply picked you up from a bookshelf.
Oh yes. This is Linda’s bookshelf. She’s a fine woman.
Mr. Powell, don’t think that I won’t throw your bespectacled face right out the window. Watch your tone.
No, no El Guapo. That is a compliment. You have landed yourself an intelligent, beautiful and confident woman. She dances too.
Yeah she does…Hombre, that girl can dance circles around me.
Yes, she’s half Brazilian you know.
Yes Mr. Powell. I am aware. What do you think about her having that Dan Quayle book over there?
El Guapo, listen to me. In life you will always find instances where you second guess your situation. It’s human nature to do so. Does it really bother you that Linda owns a Dan Quayle book? Hell, my wife has a thing for Sean Connery. Did it bother me when she dressed me up in a tuxedo and made me order martinis? Yes. Did it bother me when she made me call her Pussy Willow in bed? Yes. Am I glad that I have her by my side every single day? Yes. I’m the luckiest man in the world.
She makes you call her Pussy Willow in bed?
El Guapo! Pay attention! Focus on what’s important.
You’re right Mr. Powell. Thanks for taking the time to speak with me.
My pleasure El Guapo. You’re a good man. By the way, you’re totally out of potato chips.
I put Mr. Powell back on the bookshelf and I pick up the Dan Quayle book. So help me Wanda, if he starts talking to me I will just lose it. I put the book back. Waaaaay back. Here, let’s put a Stephen King book in front of him. He won’t mind.
So she has a Dan Quayle book. Who cares? At least she's not Argentinean. I have to draw the line somewhere.