Best Caucasian Invention EVER
This weekend I was invited by my gringo friend, Cabezón, to a gringo party. I can easily say that my life has forever been changed by this event.
It seems like I had led a sheltered life prior to my uncovering what very well may be the best kept secret of American Caucasians.
I was to meet Cabezón at Stetson’s at 8:30 for a tournament of some kind. Upon arriving, I saw the professionally typed “Private Party” sign and immediately knew that I was truly about to enter an exclusive engagement. Cabezón is good for these types of things. He’s kind of a big deal...
When I entered the upstairs area of the bar I scanned the crowd of pale faces looking for my friend, but he was nowhere to be found. Yes, I am definitely the only minority here. Oh wait, there’s an Indian girl over there. She will be my friend. In situations like these, I’ll grab any minority I can get. I will say that not one collar was popped, and frankly, in mi book, that's just a start to a good evening.
So, what game is this?
“Dude, this is a Flip Cup Tourney!”
When they call you “dude”, you know you’re in.
Flip Cup, how exactly does this work? I’m sorry, my friend was supposed to be here. He didn’t really explain this to me. Do you know him? He is my height, Irish-white, really, really big head. En serio, he must have the world’s strongest neck muscles to hold that thing up. It's like a bobble-head.
“No, I don’t know him, but I’ll totally show you how to play this game. Here (gives me a red plastic cup), this and beer is all you need.”
My new friend was very excited to teach me what seemed like an odd game.
“Ok, so everyone pours beer in up to the first indent in the cup. You say cheers to the person in front of you, put the beer down, then you have to flip the cup over. So you chug the beer, put the cup down small end first so that a part of it hangs over the edge, and you flip the cup to land on the other side. Then the next person on your team goes and the team to finish first wins.”
So, you drink the beer, and flip the cup over. I don’t understand.
“Dude, it’s much harder than it looks. Here let’s go.”
I obliged, cheered her and watched as she furiously drank the beer, slammed the cup down and tried to flip the cup over. I drank the beer while she and her tilted ever-so-slightly-to-the-left-woven hat successfully flipped the cup over.
“In your face bitch!”
I understand now. This beer is not to be savored. Bitch?
We go again and it turns out that flipping a cup over is a skill that comes easily to me. In fact, I was called a “one-flipper” for my ability to surgically flip an empty cup to its opposite side.
Dios I love gringos. They come up with any excuse to get drunk quickly. Cabezón once told me a game he and his friends in college played while watching pornography. It was called “Unnecessary Ball Shot.” A shot of beer was done every time there was, well, you get the picture.
At a Latino party, there is dancing. If you want to talk to a woman you simply ask her to dance. At a gringo party, you play a drinking game and hope that both you and your love interest get intoxicated enough to have what is sure to be horrible love-making.
I must say, that the person who came up with this game must have been a genius. I have learned that it is always the genius types who invent these games. They could be finding a cure to society’s plagues, but no, it is more importante to devise entertaining ways to drink cheap beer. If I was forced to drink Old Milwaukee on a regular basis, I too would want to find an entertaining way to do it.
Now, my Flip Cup team did not win the tournament due to an “interference” call on a successful flip, but I can say with confidence that I am the best Flip Cup player ever. Seriously, my skills in this game will likely become legendary amongst the fine residents of my city. I assure you that I will be attending more of these functions to further spread the legend of El Guapo.
Perhaps someone should put together a Flip Cup Olympics with money going to charity. I would love nothing more than this. Just don't let my incredible good looks intimidate you if we meet in the tournament. In the words of my new Indian friend, “I will fucking own you.”