El Guapo in DC

I am El Guapo. The most Guapo man in all of DC. Mucho Amor

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Network TV...

Bob Barker. He is always smiling, but I’m not sure if he’s really happy or if that was the face his many surgeons put on his face. Today could very well be the worst day of his entire life, but no one would be any wiser. There he is, all 137 years of his stretched to the max skin in a tight pin stripe suit. I see him walking, but I think I see his lips mumbling something:

“Please let me die. Oh God, please let me die.”

CBS, let the man die.

I hate network television. I want cable. I need cable. My cable has been disconnected.

My neighbor recently lost his job and to cut expenses he decided to stop paying the cable bill. So, the cable company disconnected his service. My service. Our service. My block’s service.

Because of una persona, there are at least 7 families who now must watch re-runs of Moesha on the WB. I think I’ve done something to upset the hombre upstairs. No entiendo. I light candles every night.

Oh look, a big-breasted, cowboy hat wearing redhead from Tennessee is playing Plinko. Did you know that it was a Guatemalan that invented Plinko? His name was Ricardo Luca Christofferson (his padre was Swedish, but his mom was a full blooded Guatemalan). This, of course, is another story for another day.

My neighbor came over to my house this last Sunday asking if he could watch The Sopranos. He gave me some sob story about losing his job and I came up with a lame excuse about making tamales. I’m not sure how much longer I’ll be able to keep this up. He must be wondering why none of his neighbors will allow him to watch cable at their homes.

Well if you didn’t lose your damn job this wouldn't be a problem, Julio. Should I be a little more sympathetic about his job loss? Yes, I should. Actually, I hope Julio finds another job tomorrow, but we’re talking about my cable television.

I won’t be able to see who Uncle Junior shoots next on HBO. I won’t be able to see how President McKinley’s assassination was an important part of American history on the History Channel. I won’t be able to see my favorite Trading Spaces on…..um…just kidding, El Guapo doesn’t watch that.

Why do all the contestants on The Price is Right always look back to see how much their friends think a wooden hammock costs? Is everyone in the audience a hammock expert? I’m glad you didn’t win Plinko. Take off that damn cowboy hat!

Every commercial during the Price is Right is for electric wheelchairs, life insurance and after-market denture products. I’m slowly beginning to realize that the mid-twenties, Guatemalan male population isn’t the target audience. On the other hand, I’m the exact target audience for The Sopranos. Yes. Young Guatemalan males are a very important part of the U.S. economy. Do you have any idea how much we spend on cologne? We are second only to Long Island teenagers.

Mira, por favor, everyone light a candle for Julio to find another job. Por favor light two candles if you can. Stop by your local grocery store, pharmacy, candle shop, etc. Please, I need mi cable television. Do this for El Guapo.

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo


At 12:15 PM, Blogger Washington Cube said...

Couldn't stop laughing...and heading for the Botanica to get some REALLY good candles...the ones with a lot of priestess juju behind them.

At 1:03 PM, Blogger Rev. Smokin Steve said...

I will go to Yankee Candle and light the store on fire for you, El Guapo.

At 1:46 PM, Blogger rock_ninja said...

You need to pray to St. Clare, the patron saint of television.

At 1:56 PM, Blogger El Guapo in DC said...


Smokin' Steve, I do not in any way condone arson.

Priestess juju makes me hungry...

St. Clare is a good saint.


At 2:06 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is what happens when you date a Republican.

At 3:01 PM, Blogger java bean rush said...


Bob Barker is suffering from KennyRogersitis, where old men trade their old droopy faces for old faces in constant surpise mode. A sort of Bambi thing, which is quite disturbing.

Honestly, though, I thought BB was dead and those shows were reruns.

By the way, Julio is so inconsiderate . . .

At 3:34 PM, Blogger green_canary said...

I have no candles, but in your honor I'm setting my desk on fire.

At 4:10 PM, Blogger Phil said...

Java Bean - blasphemy!

Bob Barker still loves getting 'tail' too much to leave TPIR. You underestimate his energy level and viagra prescription.

At 5:37 PM, Blogger Rev. Smokin Steve said...

Then I will change my plan.

I will go to Yankee Candle, buy several of the vanilla cookie candles, place them around my living room, light them all, then drink Dos Equis on my couch surrounded by the scent and praying for your cable.

At 5:51 PM, Blogger Big Pissy said...

The local Dollar General Store has candles with a picture of the Virgin de Guadelupe on them for $1.00.

I think I can swing that for you, El Guapo.

At 11:23 AM, Blogger Washington Cube said...

Congrats on your mention. Well earned.


Scroll down to the Moesha article.

At 1:24 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

El Guapo, I love your blog, your sexy language. You are very sweet.

I think you should save money on candles. The seven families should save their candle money and put it into a "Get Your Neighbor Cable" fund. Unless that will keep him from finding a new job. Good luck!

At 4:37 PM, Blogger DC Cookie said...

I would argue one of the funniest scenes in a movie comes from Happy Gilmore when Bob Barker kicks the shit out of Adam Sandler.

I think he might be older than 123...

At 10:08 PM, Blogger java bean rush said...


Nowadays it's hard to tell whose dead and who isn't.

Take Elvis.

Or Michael Moore (but he's only dead from the neck up).


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