Network TV...

Bob Barker. He is always smiling, but I’m not sure if he’s really happy or if that was the face his many surgeons put on his face. Today could very well be the worst day of his entire life, but no one would be any wiser. There he is, all 137 years of his stretched to the max skin in a tight pin stripe suit. I see him walking, but I think I see his lips mumbling something:

“Please let me die. Oh God, please let me die.”

CBS, let the man die.

I hate network television. I want cable. I need cable. My cable has been disconnected.

My neighbor recently lost his job and to cut expenses he decided to stop paying the cable bill. So, the cable company disconnected his service. My service. Our service. My block’s service.

Because of una persona, there are at least 7 families who now must watch re-runs of Moesha on the WB. I think I’ve done something to upset the hombre upstairs. No entiendo. I light candles every night.

Oh look, a big-breasted, cowboy hat wearing redhead from Tennessee is playing Plinko. Did you know that it was a Guatemalan that invented Plinko? His name was Ricardo Luca Christofferson (his padre was Swedish, but his mom was a full blooded Guatemalan). This, of course, is another story for another day.

My neighbor came over to my house this last Sunday asking if he could watch The Sopranos. He gave me some sob story about losing his job and I came up with a lame excuse about making tamales. I’m not sure how much longer I’ll be able to keep this up. He must be wondering why none of his neighbors will allow him to watch cable at their homes.

Well if you didn’t lose your damn job this wouldn't be a problem, Julio. Should I be a little more sympathetic about his job loss? Yes, I should. Actually, I hope Julio finds another job tomorrow, but we’re talking about my cable television.

I won’t be able to see who Uncle Junior shoots next on HBO. I won’t be able to see how President McKinley’s assassination was an important part of American history on the History Channel. I won’t be able to see my favorite Trading Spaces on…..um…just kidding, El Guapo doesn’t watch that.

Why do all the contestants on The Price is Right always look back to see how much their friends think a wooden hammock costs? Is everyone in the audience a hammock expert? I’m glad you didn’t win Plinko. Take off that damn cowboy hat!

Every commercial during the Price is Right is for electric wheelchairs, life insurance and after-market denture products. I’m slowly beginning to realize that the mid-twenties, Guatemalan male population isn’t the target audience. On the other hand, I’m the exact target audience for The Sopranos. Yes. Young Guatemalan males are a very important part of the U.S. economy. Do you have any idea how much we spend on cologne? We are second only to Long Island teenagers.

Mira, por favor, everyone light a candle for Julio to find another job. Por favor light two candles if you can. Stop by your local grocery store, pharmacy, candle shop, etc. Please, I need mi cable television. Do this for El Guapo.

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo