El Guapo in DC

I am El Guapo. The most Guapo man in all of DC. Mucho Amor

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Extreme Sport

“Honey, put that back. You don’t want that.”

Huh?

“You don’t want this one. It’s no good.”

Shampoo. This is all I want right now. I’m out of shampoo and I need more. What could be bad about this shampoo?

Mi Linda, what’s the matter with this shampoo? Look at it: 88% more. Extreme Old Spice. You can’t beat this. It’s extreme.

“Honey, you don’t want to buy anything with an adjective in the title. Trust me.”

I take a moment to digest these words of wisdom and realize that I’ve been doing the exact opposite my entire life. I like adjectives. I mean, I REALLY like adjectives. It comes from being Latino. If it has the words super, great, gourmet, extreme, best we take it to heart. Any superlative makes us grab our wallet. You throw in some shiny colors and, Dios mio, we MUST have it.

This wasn’t just any old shampoo. This was Old Spice. It has to be bueno. I mean, it’s Old Spice. This was Old Spice Extreme Sport. That’s three adjectives AND the bottle was bright red and blue. The bottle said that it would take my “showering experience to the limit”. Now, I don’t really know what that means. Frankly, that statement scares me, but what in the holy name of Procter and Gamble is wrong with this?

Mi Linda, what’s the matter with this shampoo? It’s on sale. It’s shampoo. Who cares?

Oh…she cares.

I suddenly remember taking a shower at her house a few days earlier. I enjoy entering that phase in any relationship where showering is exciting. When you shower with me, certain body parts will be very clean. It’s my duty as a Guatemalan male to ensure this is so.

Anyway, it was time for shampoo and I reach for the bottle with the shiniest, most attention-getting color.

“Whoa.”

Yes?

“Um, honey, love, here, let me put what you need in your hand.”

Mi Linda is not cheap. She’s very likely one of the most giving people I have ever met, but she all of a sudden is rationing shampoo? Que pasa con eso?

You’re rationing shampoo.

“Baby, this is really expensive shampoo and you don’t need to use as much.”

The bottle was bright orange. The shampoo was bright orange. I know that the brand started with a “K”, but all my eyes see is champú fantástico! What is this? Cuba? Is it because I’m Guatemalan? I’m all of a sudden not good enough for your fancy orange shampoo? Why mujer? Why must you taunt me with your fancy bottles of shampoo? Why?

“Baby, this bottle is $50 a bottle.”

Stop. What did you say? You paid $50 for a bottle? Here, we can put the shampoo back in the bottle. See? Let’s just scrape this last little bit in there. I’m a man mi Linda. I’m a Guatemalan hombre. I don’t put $50 shampoo in my hair.

“Baby, you can use it. It will make your hair really shiny. Just don’t use as much.”

Have you seen my hair? It’s Guatemalan hair. It's Mayan, it's real and it’s fabulous. I don’t need $50 shampoo. I’ll just use this, Pantene, this is fine.

“That was my ex boyfriend’s shampoo.”

Was he allowed to use the fancy shampoo?

“No.”

Give me that damn thing.

And so the story goes. I marked my territory once again, but this time with shampoo.

If you see an extremely good looking Guatemalan (more good looking than your average Guatemalan) walking down the street with extremely shiny hair, please, do not be jealous.

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo

PS. I went back and got the Old Spice Extreme Sport. The shampoo is blue. I mean, come on. What is a simple Guatemalan to do?

22 Comments:

At 1:25 AM, Anonymous Laurie said...

El Guapo, your writing is incredibly creative, wonderful and entertaining. I find you the most refreshingly original voice in the blogging universe. Please don't stop writing. Good luck with the challenges of your new lady love. She has high standards it would seem, as only you can so majestically arise to. A match made in heaven! Please spare no detail.

 
At 1:43 AM, Blogger R said...

haha, que chistoso!

 
At 2:03 AM, Anonymous kidneyboy said...

I didn't know you could use Old Spice Extreme Sport in your hair...hmm. New things every day.

I enjoyed the narrative voice of Linda. How she says "Baby" a lot, that must be nice.

kidneyboy

 
At 2:43 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I also make a fuss about my shampoo when my boyfriend gets hold of it... sorry, it's just the way we are :)

I've discovered your blog a few weeks ago and must say it's one of the most amusing ones I follow. The only problem is I don't really know how extremely good looking Guatemalans look like (I have no idea how even the average ones look like). Would you consider posting a photo? :))) (a joke)

P, Slovenia

 
At 8:30 AM, Blogger Prom said...

Oh Man, you fell for a high maintanence woman!! Uh Oh.

Oh and don't let the Baby thing fool you. Like men do, we use it so we don't mess up and call our lovers by the wrong name.

 
At 9:56 AM, Blogger Phil said...

Old Spice shampoo, followed up with some Brut 33 cologne would make for one fine-smelling El Guapo.

I like your style.

 
At 10:12 AM, Blogger Big Pissy said...

I can't say anything better than Laurie already has....I've just discovered your blog and now must read it everyday.

Can't wait to hear more about you and
tu linda`

 
At 10:28 AM, Blogger Andraste said...

$50 a BOTTLE? What's in it? Mink embryos?

Erm...no way. I bet there's no difference with CVS brand.

Call me a tomboy, or maybe just tight with my money, but $50 shampoo is a waste of money that could be spent on food and drink.

 
At 10:31 AM, Blogger sparkles anonymous! said...

I buy shampoo that costs $26 a bottle. But it also ensures that my $300 highlights don't fade.

But don't be mistaken - I may be high maintenance in terms of my products, but I'm also extremely laid back. Don't think that one equals the other!

 
At 11:07 AM, Blogger Washington Cube said...

Next for El Guapo. White Truffle Shampoo:

http://www.philipb.com/
white-truffle-shampoo-p-1887.html.

 
At 12:54 PM, Blogger Rev. Smokin Steve said...

Suave Naturals... gets your hair clean, smells like fruit, and runs $1.39 a bottle. I won't use anything else.

 
At 2:12 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

She needs to throw away her ex's champu. We need more details on how the two of you met and, more importantly, if she is Guatemalteca and/or allowed to say ciao. :)

 
At 2:32 PM, Anonymous Moni said...

¡Ay Guapo! You're in love!! Sooo nice to hear her say baby and let you use the expensive shampoo. And I agree with 'anonymous' in that we need to know more about how you two met!

 
At 3:56 PM, Blogger Washington Cube said...

I finally had a chance to speak with El Guapo today. Lovely man...and yes, he's in L-O-V-E.

 
At 8:04 PM, Blogger Debby said...

It's so damn wonderful to hear you sound so happy. She is definitely high maintenance. I'll have to let my hubby read all about her, he'll appreciate me that much more. Hell, I just use my kid's Head and Shoulders!! LMAO

I do have to wonder why she still has her ex's bottle of shampoo in the shower though - I'm thinking you should get rid of it for her!!

 
At 10:27 PM, Anonymous Sofitel said...

querido el guapo
I hope Linda doesn't know about your blog, but if she does don't share anymore of your love life with us, look at Velvet, she had to chose and I don't want you to have to chose! Keep both - separate and healthy.
Much love
Sofitel

 
At 10:13 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Weird. $50 on shampoo? That's more money than sense. I buy a medium priced brand and a cheap two-in-one for hubby. He likes it because I have very long, thick hair and all he's shampoo/conditioner hasn't magically disappeared by the next time he showers.

GL with the new lady...

 
At 10:41 AM, Anonymous Sweet said...

$50?! I hope it was a ginormous bottle for your sake. You must really like this girl.

 
At 10:46 AM, Anonymous la gringa said...

el guapo,

$50 is some shit for shampoo. The most i've ever paid was like $12 and that was for one of those big containers that lasts you like 6 months. She must be damn linda to weild power like that :) Tell me how the blue champú works out too, things like that always make me a bit nervous.

 
At 3:24 PM, Anonymous Mamasita said...

Wow- Velvet spends a lot of money on shampoos. (just kidding) .. (or am I....)

 
At 5:17 PM, Anonymous sofitel said...

Wow mamasita, I was wondering the same thing!!!

 
At 7:15 PM, Anonymous restaurant gal said...

Um, I rarely buy a bottle of wine that costs more than $12. Aside from that, I am very happy love has found a way to your heart. Mr. Restaurant Gal and I have been together, officially, 24 years next month. And you know what, it's only gotten better through the years. Good luck!

 

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