El Guapo in DC

I am El Guapo. The most Guapo man in all of DC. Mucho Amor

Monday, May 08, 2006

Vegas Baby, Vegas

Did you know that Bugsy Siegel had a Guatemalan nanny? Si, it is a well known fact among the Guatemalan population that Guadalupe (Lupe) Martinez was his nanny during his infancy and is rumored to have given him the idea for Las Vegas. Yes, this is true. Legend has it that she whispered that his fortune would be found in the “deserts to the west”. When the opportunidad presented itself to go and visit the city inspired by a Guatemalan, I jumped at it.

Was this to be a bachelor’s fiesta with strip club-inspired activities? Claro que no! I am El Guapo. I do not do strip clubs.

I was going to celebrate the 30th birthday of one of mi Linda’s gringa friends. This occasion marked two milestones for me: 1) My first venture outside of the East Coast; 2) My first trip with mi Linda.

Now, I’m not a fan of airplanes mainly due to the fact that they were not invented by Guatemalans and so, I don’t trust them. I know this is ridiculous, but it can not be helped. I fear airplanes for the reason that I don’t know who is going to be sitting around me. Will there be a madre changing the diaper of her baby in the aisle next to me? Will I sit in the middle aisle of two Jennie Craig drop-outs? Will the stewardess flirt with me the entire flight and not let me sleep? You see, these are all very big issues and I was quite nervous.

Mi Linda was very gracious to allow me to have the aisle seat in the airplane. I am not a man of tall stature, so the need to stretch out my legs isn’t great, but I feel less claustrophobic in the aisle.

I looked around the airplane and was quite happy with the crowd. Turns out that taking children to Vegas wasn’t as prominent as I had expected, so there were no children on board. Since I was in the aisle, I didn’t have to worry about sitting next to anyone, but mi Linda, so I was bueno there. Look at this, El Guapo was going to have a pleasant flight after all.

Then it happened. My flight was ruined.

What started as a murmur, slowly grew to a yelp and disturbed my slumber. The ultra preppy gaggle of slicked back hair, tortoise shell colored glasses, bright colored polo shirt wearing mid-twenty “dudes” started speaking a strange languague.

Ehhhh. Uhhhhhhh. Uhhhhhh. We. We. We.

Dear Dios, this is a five and a half hour flight. Please, por favor, do not allow the men behind me to be speaking the language that I think they are speaking. Please. They made me throw away the candle that I attempted to bring on board, so I can not light one in your honor. Please, make them not talk. Please make them not speak the language I think they’re speaking.

We. Non. Merci Blah- Blah Blah.

It turns out that God does not answer my prayers when not accompanied by the lighting of a candle. The stupid people at the check in were not happy when they "confiscated" 7 of my candles from my carry on.

Angry Airport Man: Sir, what are these?

Candles, for prayer.

AAM: Are you aware that it is against federal regulations to bring any kind of flammable material onboard an airplane?

No. I am but a simple Guatemalan.

AAM: I'm going to have to go ahead and ask you to take out all the candles in your possesion.


Five and one half hours of the French language and no candles to make them go away.

Now, I never was one to jump on the hating of the French in general. I appreciate them for their wines and berets. Their language? Well, I could do without it. At first it didn’t bother me, but I kept hearing “We, We, We, We” and suddenly I had to go to the restroom.

I then started to play a little game to pass time where I was pretending to know what they were saying:

French Guy 1: You know, I really like to eat rabbit. Uhhhhh yes?
French Guy 2: Pierre, yes, I agree with you. Rabbit is good. Have you ever seen that cartoon Pepe Lepew? I hate it.
French Guy 3: I also hate that cartoon. It is so American to make us not smell good.
FG1: Ever notice how American women fall for our accents? I’m not even that good looking, but here I’m like a regular Tom Cruise.
FG2: I agree Jacque. In France I had to wait until 3 AM to be able to convince a woman to go home with me. Here, I say that I’m a painter and it’s a done deal.
FG3: God, I love being French. Have you seen my new beret? It’s so increi-bleh.

Yes, this became boring after a while. So, I did what anyone would do. I took an Ambien.

To be continued:

Mucho Amor,

El Guapo


At 12:55 AM, Blogger java bean rush said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At 12:57 AM, Blogger java bean rush said...

What??? Guatemalans didn't invent planes?!
Say it ain't so. You've got to be mistaken. But then, you're El Guapo - you're never wrong.

What am I going to do?!

I have a flight next Thursday .

At 7:13 AM, Blogger Facinacion said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At 12:04 PM, Anonymous jali said...

This is one of the best I've read!

I think I need some Guatemalans in my life!

At 1:02 PM, Blogger Rev. Smokin Steve said...

The French, they are a funny race.

They fight with their feet and f**k with their face.

At 2:09 PM, Blogger angie said...

you should read the articles about ambien . . . obviously not develpoed by a guatemalan - there are some very strange side effects for taking that drug.

how was vegas?! muy EVERYTHING?!

At 4:06 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I find that Americans who dislike the French often lack a sense of humor. They are the most exquisitely miserable people on the planet. France is the Dorothy Parker of nations.

Ambien is some bad merde too. I took one on a flight to Amsterdam out of IAD once and was experiencing mild hallucinations by the time we were over Boston. The map on the big screen had morphed into a bunch of grapes (Greenland) being eaten by a long necked dragon (the maritime provinces). It turns out that not only can i not sleep siting up, i can't even be knocked out by drugs in that position. No sleeping on planes for me unless I'm up front and on my tummy.

At 5:26 PM, Blogger DC Cookie said...

You should hear the Quebecois accent. You'd need a lot more than 7 candles. The 'oui' sounds more like 'OUAAAIS.' Sort of like the AFLAC duck...


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